A pleasant sunny winter’s afternoon encouraged hashers to the July 2013 Splinter lunch.

The Royal Peacock on Tedder Avenue was the venue for the lunch. Enough punters for a rugby team were about the numbers. Some dressed up like they were going to somewhere after the lunch especially Truck Tyres looking rather dapper in his white sports jacket.

Carefree joined us on his way home from the cricket at Lords and visiting Prince George and Mum at the Lindo Wing while in the UK.
The first beer of many consumed on the day was from the Burleigh Brewing Company.
After entree papperdams, mains were ordered and naan bread and condiments soon were scattered across the tables in the shade of bottles of wine.
Lots of musical chairs took place as the diners circulated themselves socially during the afternoon. Kitchen Bitch wore a chef’s cap which would not have looked out of place on My Kitchen Rules.
Rug showed his future hash cash economic skills (if and when Blackie ever retires) by collecting more cash then the numbers present for the next big Lotto.
A bar across the road was suggested for after lunch drinks where Cooper’s ales were enjoyed by all. Hashers then made their own plans for the remainder of the afternoon.
Botcho organised travel arrangements for some which was greatly appreciated.
From there on, it was all downhill for Sir Rabbit and Circumference who went to their own after party firstly at Tonic on Chirn for more craft beers and then to Bonus Bros for a Moroccan pizza which after a tandoori lunch made next morning very interersting especially on top of aching heads.

Splinter Lunch Friday 28th June held at Grumpy’s in Broadbeach Mall
Hosts: Hard On & Fucksoff
Guests: 22

As with most of the Splinter lunches many attendees have very little recollection of the event much less the time frame. In an effort to put this particular Splinter lunch into some time perspective it will be recorded with time accuracy as events occurred Despite the early rumblings of Division in the House about the venue and choice of food it is fair to say Hard On has lived to survive another day.
11.55: Kwakka and Swindler arrive at the venue in anticipation of another quite relaxing afternoon.
12.01: Fucksoff and VIP Guest arrive
12.03: Rug arrives without his business partner Flasher who is overseas in Asia expanding their new drug sniffing business.
12.06: Nasty appears from nowhere dressed resplendently in black jacket emblazoned with the Gold Coast Hash logo. In fact he was totally overdressed for the occasion but we all guessed that he must have been planning to attend an Election Rally meeting later that day and needed some real Hash credibility.
12.18: VD places his bottle of plonk at the head of the table to reserve his position as leader of the pack.
12.28: Total number of attendees look very low. Fuckoff advises that we need a minimum of 15 to break even. He is advised of the Splinter Rules that in the event of any money shortfall it must be paid by the Host. At this stage Fuckoff forgets about his important VIP guest and is seen racing off to the loo for an underwear change.
12.45: The number of Hash members begin to increase with the Grand Master Now Loved arriving in grand style with the appropriate Splinter Hash attire… Cheers and beers all around!!!
12.48 Fuckoff breathes a sigh of relief as the numbers pass 15. What a happy group of ageing geriatrics!! One of the waitresses was overheard asking one of the revelers what time they would be returning to the Home. (Did she really think that this was a group let out for the afternoon from the Benowa Retirement Home?)

12.50 –1.30 The merriment continues but due to unintelligible garble no words of wisdom were able to be recorded.

1.31 Total silence as the food arrives and the starving pack begin to devour 500Gm of red meat, French fries and green stuff (One of the waitresses was overhead to say “how do they chew this meat at their age as they all look at bit gummy”)

1.32- 1.42 No words of wisdom were said except for the sound of ripping those pieces of meat off the bone with lots of chewing the fat!! Botcho was overheard to say his piece of meat was huge. Not sure what he was actually referring to though??

1.55 Sir Rabbit takes the floor to introduce the Celebrity Guest who turns out to be “No Name “Geoff Lewis who was the foundation GM of our Hash. Geoff gave an interesting talk on the early days of the GCH. It was quite uninteresting to hear that in 30 odd years absolutely nothing has changed and Hash Members manners are still as bad as they were then!!!

It seems that Rectum was rather shocked to hear these stories from ‘No Name Geoff” as he now realized that as one the youngest of this ageing pack he has nothing further to learn.

2.15 It was reported a secret petition was circulating requesting an overthrow of the Hierarchy for no reason (Could there be a mole in the group??). It appears that this rumor may have been true because Nasty was able to provide photographic evidence of this important document that will no doubt find its way into Hash History Archives. On face value it looks like Heirachy positions are safe as no names could be decifered on the historic document and it is certainly doubtful if anyone would want a job anyway.

Who’s behind this?

2.45 Show Pony requested that all the now meatless bones be placed into his red plastic bags as he was going to use then for crab bait due to lack of fresh bodies in the water at Hope Harbor at these days.
3.00-3.30 After this stage it was impossible to report any news as words were too slurred and totally unintelligible.
3.30 EX GM Bent Banana requested permission from the GM Now Loved to leave early as he did not want a repetition of the last Splinter lunch after events. Veteran decided that this was also good move to leave while the going was good as he mentioned he was going on a 10km run before dinner.
3.35 Nasty ordered another bottle of red wine from the bar as he was still very thirsty from all his talking and was obviously forget that he had another important meeting to attend to get Votes for The Party.

3.36 – 5.30 Absolutely no idea what happened during this period due the drowning noise from a mass of staggering bodies still consuming copious amounts of red wine. At some stage number slowly reduced and it was reported that many staggered toward the nearby bus stop to take full advantage of their Seniors Card.

Post Splinter Lunch Reports
Editor’s Note: The writer was only in attendance for some of the post splinter events and of these the recollection is very, very hazy. The other events have been reported in confidential anonymous correspondence and may or may not be accurate.
Kwakka, Phantom, his friend Harry and Swindler were seen getting into a taxi driven (no!!.. not by an Indian ) but by an Australian Aboriginal with issues about his heritage. They were dropped off (or should say thrown out) at Darcy Arms where they were greeted by Caustic who was waiting for the arrival these Wednesday Warriors in the forlorn hope he could maybe recruit one of them for his new Real Deal Racing Team. At this stage the Real Deal Racing Team has only 1 member (…himself)!! It was later reported this group of Warriors were later seems walking fearlessly toward the Lansdowne Pub on their way back home to Chevron Island.
As usual Sir Slab consumed sufficient antioxidants in his red wine to ensure he was able to make an early
start to take on the Wednesday Warrior Speed Team at Nerang Velodrome on Saturday morning.

Missing Link went home, collected his bride and took her to an expensive dinner and drinks at the Bowls Club accompanied by Aussie and his bride. Nasty crashed this high level event (maybe that is why he wore his expensive jacket??) and asked to be taken to Chevron Island. Not sure what he knows but maybe the word has leaked that Mrs Kwakka of Chevron Island cooks great pasta after Splinter Lunches!!
Bent Banana arrived home at a respectable hour and received partial absolution for last week’s disastrous episode and his pathetic performance in bringing members of GCH into disrepute.

Swindler

Date: 28th December, 2102

Location: D’Arcy Arms

Host: Sir Slab

The favorite watering hole of the GCHH was the venue for the grand finale Splinter Lunch of the 2012 year.

On arrival it noticed a large group of Santa’s helpers crowded together in a tight almost impenetrable circle…what could possibly be as interesting and absorbing to keep the absolute attention of this group of intellectuals??. Forcing though Santa’s helpers was virtually impossible as no one was prepared to give an inch when in fact all they really wanted to give was several inches to the centre of attraction.

It was then that that the old saying “…..life is all beer and skittles” become very clear…each of Santa’s helpers all looking resplendent in their Christmas tuxedos with beer in hand and all desperately trying to vie for the attention of Skittles …and hopefully give that inch or three!!

This tall skinny little object ( what could they see in her ???) looked like she needed a good feed and her only interest was not in Santa’s helpers but the large pieces of freshly baked garlic bread on the tables that she devoured while at the same time moving gracefully as she was passed from knee to knee.

The formalities where rapidly dispensed with by host Sir Slab and his associate Sir Rabbit as no one really cared one iota what they were saying as all eyes (as well as groping hands and grinding hips movements) were on Skittles.

The true expertise of an experienced hashman came to the fore as Sir Slab was able to momentarily drag the attention away from Skittles with his Trivia Quiz questions. The crowd really did not give a rats ars… about the simple questions he was asking but it enabled all to get a closer look at Skittles as Sir Slab supported her as his off-sider( we are not sure why it was necessary for him to be so close to his supporting assistant ??). We suspect that Sir Slab has been watching too many episodes of Wheels of Fortune as sees himself as the next TV Quiz host with a spunky assistant!!!

The prizes given away where a huge hit as each winner graciously accepted one of Sir Slabs well worn old hash T-shirts still with the sweat of many runs complete with rips and holes and then promptly proceeded to thrown them in a far corner as far away from where they were sitting as possible.

As the afternoon proceeded we were treated to a rare sight on land with the appearance of 2 white pointers. Within seconds of the appearance of this unique sight there was a rapid reforming of another group of Santa’s helpers again together in a tight almost impenetrable circle but now fortified with wine and the courage of a mongrel dog on heat all now offering to give that inch or three. The apparition rapidly came to an end as an elderly female patron with heavily sagging appendages and undoubtly upset by the competition reported the incident to management.

The afternoon drew to a close and it appears the Mohammad Abdullah alias Flasher was again subjected to more pain and suffering as his wine case was misplaced by a Santa helper. The Santa helper (who allegedly said he had a Blue Card) had realized he now had zero chance of playing hide the sausage after the departure of Skittles so become content to upset Mohammad Abdullah trying to play hide the bag.

The Brisbane group of Snappy Tom ( ..he just completed 1500 runs) , Semen ( ..none left behind this time) etcetcslowly went on their way back home no doubt commenting on what was another great day on the Gold Coast with the Gourmet Hash.

The Gold Coast group slowly dwindled one by one as they headed home for a Nana Nap ( or maybe a Power Nap to be ready again for the next days festivities) and a tongue lashing from their better half for drinking too much at these important luncheons while a couple of intrepid party goers who were unable to drink sufficient during the afternoon and needed additional fortification staggered northward for Wine & Pizza at Nicolines to continue to party on into the night.

A grand finale to the 2012 Splinter Lunches thanks to our well organized hosts.

On On

Swindler

January Splinter Lunch. Splinter Hash Summer Cup Golf day

Numbers needed:

Golf and Lunch

Lunch only

Splinter Lunch
Date:Friday 23rd November
Location: Flames, Surfers Paradise
Host: Nasty

Twentyfour Hashers gather at Flames for another action filled afternoon. Our host Nasty was the only late starter, making a grand entry at about 2:15 after most had polished off a bottle of red and a few cleansing ales, Apparently he has taken up film editing and the final take took a little longer than expected.

Eye candy was at it’s best with the Schoolies in town. Truck Tyres was like a boy in a candy store.

The food was not up to our usual standard but the wine and company was second to none.
Dicky Knee made the long trip down from Gladstone. His detective services were required by Flasher to help him solve how the money in the top of his wine cooler bag vanished and replaced with packets of salt and pepper.

He had a bit of trouble at Lansdown Road convincing the bar maid that salt and pepper was legal tender when trying to pay for his beer.

Botcho and others saw the funny side, but not our little mate Flasher.

On the way home with Mrs Bouncer behind the wheel it was suggested that he check inside his cooler bag. Behold!! The lost money was in the bottom of his bag. ‘
Pure Magic.
Apparently, Grand Master, Bent Banana was so impressed with the magic that he has hired Vaso to perform more party tricks at the Hash Christmas Party.

Dicky Knee is still investigating, but is baffled by the skill of the said magician.
Once again a great day out was had by all.
Sir Slab is our Host for the December Lunch on Friday 28th December. D’Arcys Arms in Surfers will be the venue.

Byo wine, no corkage. Numbers are needed for this big day out.

Click here to reserve your seat at the table

Another great day at Flames Grill. Great steaks, great company and lots of laughs. Aussie had his hair cropped before moving on to Landsdown Road for a Guinness or two.
True Story
Aussie’s hair kept falling out, and he complained to his hair dresser.

“That stuff you gave me” he cried “is terrible”!

“You said two bottles of it would make my hair grow, but nothing’s happened”

“I don’t understand it” said the hair dresser

“That’s the best hair restorer ever made”

“Well” said Aussie.
“I don’t mind drinking another bottle, but it had better work”