Date: 15/06/2015

Location: Burleigh Heads

Hare: Elvis

Runners: 27

The Annual Hash Relay is on our door step this year. Truck Tyres and your Hierarchy needs numbers for our team!!

About The Hash Relay

Run 1963

Well, here we are at the second run under the new hierarchy and what a night was had by all!

First up, I must express my extreme gratitude on behalf of all of us to tonight’s hare, Elvis, a soccer aficionado who is normally otherwise occupied most Monday nights with matters concerning the round-ball sport. At extremely short notice and fortunately having a night off from his normal activity, he volunteered to set the run, conditional upon being allowed to make it a “restaurant run”, with the nosh being had at Silk Thai restaurant. All scepticism about restaurant runs can be put aside gents, as this one was a corker, with a reasonable cost-per-head, no corkage and the hash being allowed to sell its own grog as per usual. More on the nosh later…

The Run and Walk:

Due to the lingering after-effects of having contracted the lurgy on the Hash Car Rally several weeks ago, yours truly did the walk rather than the run tonight and if that was anything to go by, the run must have been a challenge, because the walk certainly was!! Another notable walker who normally runs was Caustic, who is nursing a buggered knee.

Up and down hills, through bushland and derelict warehouses, the walk had it all, including getting us all lost at one stage and in danger of falling off the edge of a cliff. Elvis, you have done yourself proud being able to set the run/walk and keeping us all safe and without the need to cross any of the major roads that surround your lovely suburb.

An added bonus for both runners and walkers was the drink-stop half way up the hill and in the bush! Here we were all warmly greeted by Elvis’ neighbours who delighted in playing host to the hashers and keeping us all imbibed with glorious liqueurs left over from Elvis’ 50^th birthday party some five years ago! The Zambucca was brilliant and the other blue stuff, whatever it was, also wasn’t too shabby. After that little break off we went up the hill, only to then get lost shortly thereafter…must have been the after-effects of the alcohol.

There was one criticism, that being that Elvis must have had a shortage of chalk as the arrows were tiny…we’re getting old mate, we can’t see arrows that are smaller than 30cm!!!

The Circle:

Due to the restaurant not having dinner ready for us yet, we broke with tradition and had the circle before the nosh…what must the punters nearby at the service station have thought of 27 grown men standing around as we sang our down-down ditty several times over at the top of our voices…sure to be escapees from the local lunatic asylum!!.

Our new GM had some significant announcements to make at the start of circle:

• This year a new democratic order will be introduced to the hash but more about that later (I can reveal that some of it has to do with awards such as Prick of the Week but I don’t want to steal the GM’s thunder!).
• The good news is that your new caring and financially conscious committee has kept Booze prices & Run Fees the same!!!
• The Royal Fatwa on Icings has been declared Null & Void and the outgoing committee had better get their backsides ready!!
• The GM wants to “add value” to the Hash (doesn’t he mean “personally profit from all of this”) so this year all gifts to the GM will only be accepted if they contain Gold, Silver or Precious Gemstones – However, poetic licence will be allowed!
• This year we want to encourage all Hares to make their run special be it a Birthday run or otherwise. We want you to use Internet research to find out something special preferably on your Run day or near to it. For Instance you could set an American Independence Day run or a Mexican National Day run. Nothing too elaborate – for example it could be as simple as wearing the colours of the flag if it is Botswana National Day of Independence. If hares make an effort and provide food relevant to the occasion they may be awarded an extra $1 per person bonus as an incentive at hierarchy discretion.
• Most important, team up with another hasher so that at all runs there is at least one Hare who goes on the trail (we’re sick of all you pricks getting lost all the time!).
• Finally we have decided to discontinue the Hash Hotline as our excellent website maintained by Botcho provides the information visitors and new runners require (this is the 21^st Century…who calls a bloody hotline, unless it’s a sex hotline!)

Down-Downs:

First out for a down-down was Elvis for being the hare. Miscarriage also got a down-down for being a birthday boy and as “one birthday boy drinks all birthday boys drink” back out came Elvis for another one.

The next down-down was for Kitchen Bitch for having nominated an incoming committee in the full knowledge that most of them would then proceed to disappear overseas as soon as they were nominated. Good one KB!!

Poor old Sir Slab copped the next down-down for the cycling debacle that occurred on the weekend…who would have thought that a handkerchief could cause a $7000 roadbike to be a total write-off!! He copped a second down-down for driving through the window at the front of his carport whilst he was making sure that the new roof-rack cleared the ceiling…oops, the bumper bar didn’t clear the window!!

Back out came KB for another down-down, this time for having the audacity to get himself a fulltime job and turning up to the hash in the work BMW with all its advertising on the sides.

Miscarriage copped a down-down for running off into the wilderness of Carrara with Bent Banana’s pretty young Japanese house guest on the pretext of accompanying her on a run but obviously having other thoughts on his mind. Whilst out in the circle, Miscarriage did highlight that our hash membership is…well, age

Last but not least, Blackstump got a down-down for stashing the family jewels in the lingerie drawer at his daughter’s place…that one passed me by!! Some of these reasons for down-downs are getting pretty feeble!

The Nosh:

Only one word can describe the nosh…brilliant! Silver Thai had us all seated, with us taking up the whole restaurant and three lovely dishes came out per table, along with ample rice…tasty and ample quantity….so much in fact that some of the dishes on some of the tables were not finished…quite a contrast to a recent event that shall not be named!!

Wrap-up:

Some sad news…Moonbeams is not travelling too well at the moment with radiation treatment having commenced to a bone behind his eye..he’ll need 15 doses, so all our best wishes are with him at the moment…as they are with Croc’s wife, who also is not travelling too well.

Finally, your trusty On-Sec is going to be away for the next two runs doing the charity ride from Cairns to Karumba and I would like to thank each of you who have so generously donated to myself and Victoria to get us well and truly over the line on our fundraising target. Thank you Caustic for volunteering to do the words for the next two weeks.

On On

Fanny Charmer

On-Sec

Date: 8/06/2015

Location: Gilston

Hares: Blackstump

Runners: 24 + 11 lovely ladies

Hash Words for run 1962

The Preamble:

The passing of an era…the sale of the Ponderosa…the downsizing of Blackstump…the beginning of the reign of the new hierarchy…the presence of partners…what else can be said about the run on Monday 8^th June 2015 which was advertised as “Blackie’s birthday run”…and it’s not even Blackie’s birthday for another three weeks!

The day started at 1.00pm out near the Ponderosa stables at the rear of the property where the trusty trailer had been parked and the tables and chairs all set out in orderly fashion befitting the manicured state of Blackie and Helen’s lovely property.

The crowd was welcomed by our new GM, Rug (I’m not wearing all that GM shit this week!), and a run description was provided by Blackie, who assured us that the only reason he was not going to send us off on a river crossing was the fact that the Hinze dam was at full capacity and that the crossing might be “a bit too dangerous for you blokes – you might all get washed away (he said with a twinkle of his only eye)”. Off into the bush we were about to set when who should come waltzing down the driveway but Iceman and his entourage…no less than 15 minutes late and with no excuse to offer other than the early onset of dementia. After an appropriate dressing down, the rabble, including Iceman, set off down into the bush. The walkers set off in the direction of the street on what was described as a “4 km walk”, half of that consisting of the return trip up and down Blackie’s driveway.

The run:

The run consisted of a decent amount of bush and was well marked with toilet paper and flour and the street bits were well marked with chalk…..no tricks here, Blackie is a man of utmost integrity and would never consider nasty tricks like false trails with up to thirteen arrows before an on-back!

We all figured early on that we had a live hare in our midst who very kindly crossed out the false trails at the checks…..well done Blackie…it kept the run down to a respectable 6.9km. We were accompanied by one girl runner…Mrs Latrine’s niece from the Phillipines, Joy, who kept up a fairly hefty pace and also succeeded in keeping down the amount of swearing and profanity amongst the runners. Those of us with any brains at all made sure that we stayed behind Blackie so that we didn’t waste time nor energy in going down false trails.

The relief that has obviously come with stepping down from the onerous task of GM meant that…and yes, you are about to read this, unbelievable as it may seem….Kitchen Bitch actually ran the run (well, sort of!)….that’s until he decided, along with Mme Latrine and several others, to shortcut the run by about four kilometres… .not with standing the cheating, welcome to the ranks of the runners KB!!

In usual style Flasher ran his own run, disappearing off up the hill towards Carrara when the rest of us, led by our live hare, actually followed the arrows and went off through more side streets and into more bush…and no Flasher, that’s bullshit, there were no arrows leading up the hill and if you saw paper, it was bloody litter, not trail markings!! Definitely a man well on the way to the locked dementia ward if he keeps up these antics!

In all, a great final run from the Ponderosa and enjoyed by all!

The Nosh and circle:

The Nosh consisted of entrée of nibbles, with the main course being bbq’d steak and sausages with coleslaw and salad and dessert of ice cream and diced fruit…a great feed and a great start to the “back to basics” year with your new hierarchy. This will be a year of good running, good wholesome but basic food, good mateship and good cheer…no way can we outdo the lavish treats put on by the outgoing committee so the only way to stand out is to be different…more news on that following our inaugural hierarchy meeting this week!

Circle was a subdued affair for your new GM as it was mixed company, although our wives all have a pretty good idea of how stupid we sometimes get (they only have to look at the pictures on our website!). Let it be known though that the Royal Fatwah declared by the outgoing committee banning icings has been lifted by your new GM and they will occur in the near future, but unlike last year, only when truly deserved!

It was a refreshing change to have the ladies present….and praise must go to Freddie (Mrs Slab) for riding her bicycle all the way out to Gilston from Mermaid Waters…a grand effort and obviously she’s starting the training early for the 2000^th run to Boonah that her worse half is organising for us all next year.

Sir Prince, you did a sterling job as Hash Cash, of course with the calm guidance of your predecessor SS by your side.

Jigsaw, you have slotted straight into the job of Hash Flash, going around the crowd, ensuring that there were happy snaps of all of us.

Blackie…thank you for your kind offer of donating half of your entitlement to Nosh payment back to the Hash…we need to build up the coffers after being left with $6.34 (and a lot of booze) by the outgoing committee.

Brewtus and Weekly..you guys have stepped up to the plate of boozemasters brilliantly…and nice to see you all done up to the nine’s with your formal jacket on Weekly!

Circle ended with the usual refrain from Moonbeams…”end of circle!!”

Fanny Charmer

On Sec

Date: 1/06/2015

Location: Broadbeach

Hares: AGPU Hierarchy

Runners: 46

Hash words for AGPU 2015

Here I sit following the AGPU, lonely, somewhat hung over after a night of frivolity and merriment, but nevertheless, selflessly and devotedly committed to providing my fellow hash men with a true account of the night’s events.

Before the account of the events though, it is fitting to give all of the outgoing hierarchy a resounding THANK YOU from all of us for all that you have done this past year. It has been truly inspirational, it really has!

The Prelude:

The night started off with drinks and nibbles at the park just north of Kurrawa Surf Club….”fair enough” we all thought..we’ve done this before and after an hour of this we moved on and had a few more beers at Envy Bar in Broadbeach (don’t know what the f@#* there is to envy, quite frankly!)…those of us on the SRS (Slug & Rug & Shat) diet thought we just couldn’t drink beer so paid for wine instead, staying true to the cause of our lean protein, low GI, low carb diet.

One drink and we were off! Through Broadbeach we meandered, thinking we were now going to the eventual destination of our AGPU dinner, but no, very cleverly the hierarchy threw another spanner in the works and we were back to the park, this time south of the Kurrawa Surf Club, with most of us thinking “what the fuck is going on here…is the trailer going to pull up any minute now and we’re going to have a trailer AGPU here in the park, all of us freezing our bollocks off in the process???”.

We were convinced that this was going to be the case until our favourite girl Crissy turned up in the park…no way could she possibly strip off in this cold weather and sure enough, a few wines and beers later and we were off again, much to the amusement of the punters in Broadbeach whom you could tell were all thinking “wtf!..who are these old pricks and what the hell are they up to in that silly get up??”. Some parents were seen to shepherd their children away from us…don’t know why…surely we don’t look like bloody priests in our hash formal gear!!

The Nosh and Party:

After a few twists and turns surely designed to keep us guessing as to our ultimate location, we went to a place on the Gold Coast Highway, under the Meriton Building called the “Aussie Chinese Kitchen” where the festivities all started, and with the outgoing hierarchy all lined up at the head table, looking like Christ and the 12 apostles at the last supper.

The tables were choc-a-bloc full of red wine, but quite frankly, that is where the generosity in terms of servings began and ended. Soon after we settled in, out came some spring rolls and other starters…one platter per table, all not even touching the sides as we were all feeling that we could devour an Arab’s jockstrap; such was our level of hunger! Soon thereafter came some fried rice, after that some chicken and some greens.

The general consensus on the food was that “we waz ripped off!” but hey, it’s the AGPU and who really gives a f#@* at the end of the day…we just won’t go there again….simple! I don’t get how restaurants think this can be good for business, making a killing on one occasion, only to miss out on subsequently being selected for other events, including the monthly splinter lunch…idiotic on their part, it really is! As a member of hierarchy now,

I can assure you all that I will use my new position of power to influence my fellow hierarchy to make sure we never go there again!! At least the wine was good…it took Mme Latrine several short minutes to be completely knocked out by it…one minute lucid and engaging, the next minute fast asleep, even with mammaries being shoved in his face!!

The frivolous part of the evening was great fun, with Crissy being an all-round good sport, apart from getting pissed off with one hasher who shall not be named who kept wanting to take too many liberties with her posterior regions!! Her friend Ruby was good fun too, apart from not wanting her boobs in photographs…FFS!!..this is Hash and it’s the AGPU….get with the program girls!! Oh, and a personal thing here…what is it with chicks and tattoos…hate them, hate them, hate them…blah!!!!!!…just saying!

I won’t waffle on about the various awards and nominations etc…you all have a year book now…read it!!! Suffice to say that the outgoing hierarchy is going to be hard to top, it really is…we all walked out with a great gift pack of two bottles of wine, a wine bottle case with each of our names and our logo on it, and yes…yet another bloody shirt that Missing Link will never wear…emblazoned with yet another picture of the outgoing hierarchy!

Out with a bang:

This hierarchy has certainly gone out in a blaze of glory!! As your new official on-sec, rather than the assistant to the assistant to the on sec, I look forward to serving you well in this capacity. Adieu for now…back to recovering from the AGPU!!

On on,

Fanny Charmer

On-Sec

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Run: 1960

Date: 25/5//2015

Location: Chevron Island

Hares: Swindler & Blue Card

Runners: 45

SWINDLER BY NAME……AND NATURE

In what many pundits have described as a momentous week for the ‘evolution of the planet’, during which: 1) same-sex partners were given the green light to say “Aye doo” before pedophile priests in Ireland and 2) the Australia / Europe umbilical chord was finally restored back to health with our participation in the Eurovision Song Contest (ESC), the Gourmet Hash was invited to celebrate the birthday of the man directly responsible for both these extraordinary events.

And whilst it isn’t yet clear just how broadly his influence extended in getting the ‘YES’ vote up in the Irish Gay marriage referendum, there is no doubt about Swindler’s passion and commitment to that urgent cause as there is in his endeavor to getting Australia onto the Eurovision stage.

-“I was 10 years old when I saw the very first ES contest and I’ve been a huge fan ever since although it did piss me off greatly that no Australian ever got to sing on it. That’s why I’ve dedicated so much of my life to having Aussie voices heard. Last year was a breakthrough year for the ES contest when the bearded Conchita got up and it was just a matter of time before the ESC honchos realized that Australia was really a part of Europe. And despite the fact that he looked like a bloody clown with his stupid Sinatra hat and jeans halfway down his crack, I was as happy as a pig in shit watching Guy putting our country on that map.”

While there were many on Monday night who basked in the afterglow of Swindler’s supreme world achievements, there were just as many who begrudged him for being a total failure as a Hash run setter.

-“He may be clever at getting unsuspecting fools to cough up wads of cash for bloody lost causes, but he needs to be coughing up a lot more arrows on Hash trails if he wants to be regarded as a serious Hash man. He’s fucking lucky it’s his birthday otherwise he’d have his arse parked on the ice all night” said an incensed Bent Banana.

A none-too-impressed Miscarriage lamented: “My information is that in the world of philanthropy Swindler’s known as ‘the octopus’ due to the fact that he has more fingers in more pies than most people; but with that many tentacles you’d think he’d carry enough chalk to set a run properly. Fuck me dead!”

In fact, the run was of such appalling quality that GM KB, a man not averse to displays of blatant partiality, refused to have it critiqued in the Circle because “it’s his birthday and I won’t have anyone offending that useless ole c#%t.”

-“That’s a first” whispered a gobsmacked Sir Rabbit, “I’ve missed 2 runs in 36 years and I’ve never seen that before. Bloody disgraceful. ‘Bout time we put this bloke out to pasture and got a decent GM!”

Thankfully, the nosh was an entirely different kettle of fish. Dished up on his yet-to-be-paid-for ‘Rectum’ deck, illuminated Gold Coast skyline as a backdrop, the Hash was treated to an array of delicious canapes (the type Swindler enjoys whenever he’s swanning around the world saving the Borneo rainforest or the Arctic ice shelf or even China’s Panda). It was followed by an exquisite Paris-style consommé, and for Mains, a sumptuous steak of Uruguayan grass-fed beef which he has (regularly) home-delivered as a thank you for his unrelenting campaign to save the Patagonian Toothfish. A veritable feast, all skillfully outsourced and all washed down with donated Crown Lagers and unlimited Penfolds Grange very much to Rug’s taste.

Being an enormously popular personality, much like Al Capone was popular with the Chicago underground, Swindler’s ‘friends’ turned up in droves. KG made his way down from Hong Kong where he runs that territory’s Triads, Nutcracker flew in from Moscow where he and Swindler are on first name basis with Vladimir, Darren rode in from Dubbo, etc, etc. All spoke very highly of Swindler’s impeccable ‘savoir faire’ and big heart.

In the Circle, both Show Pony and Truck Tyres were charged for being losers. Trucky for losing his wallet and bag and Pony for losing his head once again and proposing to wife no.7.

While Swindler was spared, son Darren was iced for being Swindler’s unfortunate offspring.

Flasher was iced for lack of decorum and respect, dressed in full Jihadist attire, looking for an Irish gay bar to bomb.

VD was iced by the RA for the heinous crime of telling the truth. Having argued that (protected species) Swindler should ‘swing’ for destroying wholesome family values and promoting “poofter love and marriage in Ireland”, he promptly pointed his wooden Prick towards Caustic Crusader whose birth place made him an obvious accomplice to the crime.

VD was then asked to rid himself of the Useless shirt and so advised the Circle that he was delighted to see Trucky’s head firmly attached to his neck because “there’s every chance he’d lose it otherwise. He’s a bloody born loser,…and totally Useless as a result.”

After much backslapping and high fiving Swindler’s incredible achievements, Moonbeams ended proceedings with his ubiquitous: “End of Circle.”

On2

BallPoint