The Annual Hash Relay is on our door step this year. Truck Tyres and your Hierarchy needs numbers for our team!!

About The Hash Relay

Date: 6/07/2015

Location:Surfers Paradise

Hare: Hard On and helpers

Runners: 28

The Run:

Ohhhh this was certainly going to be an interesting night! Firstly, it was at MacIntosh Island, a well-trodden location for most of us by now and thus likely to be fairly predictable, or so most of us thought.

The first bit of unpredictable behaviour was the announcement by the hare, Hard On, that “this is an unmarked run guys..there’s no chalk” with the run being conducted on the basis of the appointment by Hard On of several “marshals” at various points along the run to indicate to us where we were to proceed to the next “marshal”. These “marshals” consisted of three members of the Warriors Premier Cycling Troupe, namely Swindler, Shat and Kwakka, all riding their trusty steeds from point to point and giving us clear instructions as to where to go. “Field Marshall” Hard On stayed back at headquarters to organise the troops responsible for assistance with kitchen duties and other roles associated with looking after base camp, including stopping those pesky walkers from hoeing into all the goodies before the runners got back to base. This was apparently a lesson learnt from last week when the runners allegedly missed out due to the voracious appetites of the walkers and the hash debacle that took place in having the food out before everybody came back in, leaving some runners with no food and having to lick the pots clean to get some sustenance.

The second bit of unpredictability was when we were all shepherded onto the Sundale Bridge..most of us thinking “oh yeah, here we go again…yawn, yawn…..across to Queen Street, down Ferry Road and across Chevron Island and back home” but no, it was not to be! The “marshall” positioned almost at the northern end of the bridge whispered “false trail” to those of us approaching him huffing and puffing…with some responding with “we’re going to chuck your bloody bike over the bridge you prick!”…back we then went over Sundale Bridge, around the cove to the Southport Yacht Club, across into the park and down towards the surf club where we were met by a drink stop, with several cold crownies being offered to the runners…but with those of us on the SRS (SlugRugShat) diet politely declining as beer is verboten on the diet.

Down the beachfront we then proceeded, across the bridge back into MacIntosh Park and to the base camp to be greeted by the Field Marshal and his underlings, all scurrying around getting the nosh ready. In all, a fairly predictable run with some interesting twists and for a “city run”, not too shabby at all…an easy way to ease back into running for yours truly after 780 km of cycling in FNQ.

I can only guess that the run consisted of a stroll up to the beach, but I did hear that a pub was found somewhere along the way!

The Nosh:

Hard On has truly impressed with his nosh…first course being cups of vichyssoise soup with dollops of sour cream, traditionally being a leek and potato-based soup but tonight being substituted by pumpkin….comments included “the best hash soup I’ve ever had (Phantom)”, “not bad soup, eh? (Ferrett)” and “the sweetener before we get the carcinogenic chicken (Iceman)”.

Main course consisted of lovely grilled breast of chicken fillets, with bacon, coleslaw, pineapple and tomato served on fresh burger buns. Unlike what I am told happened last week, there was an abundance of food and some hashers were seen to go for seconds and thirds of everything, whilst some just hovered around the bbq plates and picked off morsels that they fancied. There certainly was no reason to go hungry tonight!!

Dessert was courtesy of Hard-On’s bakery mate…beautiful apple slice…some of which obviously didn’t travel too well, but was nevertheless extremely tasty, and served up with generous dollops of first grade ice-cream.

The Circle:

Circle tonight started with Moonbeams announcing “start of circle!”…gee, this is getting formal under the new hierarchy!

The GM enquired of Hard On as to the theme of his run, to which came the response “I’ve no fucking idea!”. The GM responded with a clue, donning a large hat with an American flag on it…of course!! American Independence Day…hence the theme of tonight’s run is exactly that…most befitting of the apple pie and the grilled chicken..very American indeed!

Comments on the run were sought from those gathered and Iceman immediately started…”ha ha ha!!..the checks were extraordinary….like a Cook’s tour of Europe” and Caustic observing “we were basically led astray by a bunch of cyclists…or should I say the Wobbly Wankers!!”.

Weekly commented on the walk, describing it as “superb”, no doubt due to Nasty’s observation that the beer stop on Tedder Avenue was the bit that was superb.

Down-Downs:

First out for a down-down were Hard On and his three marshals for the run and nosh then came further DD’s for Fucknucke and Mr D. It turns out that Fucknuckle is a “foundation member” having been in it some 20 years ago and only now making his return….”I was a little bit sick” he says…Welcome back!!. Turns out that Fucknuckle’s brother was called “Fucks with Arrows” due to a propensity to rub them out on runs and when his brother said “I suppose you’re going to call me something stupid like Fucknuckle now”…Fucknuckle it was!! Gotta love the cruelty of the hash! He decided to not seek a change of name lest it be something even more offensive.

Iceman was presented with his 100 run t-shirt and proceeded to tell one of his appalling (but funny) jokes, thus earning him a DD.

Moonbeams was presented with his T-Shirt for his 600^th run…commenting “shouldn’t it be 1600?” to which came the reply from the crowd..”it’s only for this hash you twit!” .

Poor old KB was called out to the front and congratulated for running between the bbq shelters…it qualifies as a run and it is great to see him turn over a new leaf as a confirmed athlete, unlike last year when he did bugger all other than cook and be GM. KB was also castigated for not having his POW regalia on during circle.

Swindler copped a DD for having three roosters on his Chevron Island ponderosa and all of them going off at 5.00am…surely impressing the neighbours no end!

Nasty and Hard On were called to the centre stage and Nasty recounted how Hard On had secured the site for tonight’s nosh, including chatting up a chicky-babe from Chile, surely the reason why he had forgotten to mark out the run and having to resort to his mates acting as marshalls.

KB nominated Rock Hard for putting the gourmet back into the hash last week (not!!!).

Charges from the floor came from Caustic against KB for neglecting to invite any of the hash to the chairman’s lounge at the Suns match, to which he took his A-list wife. A well deserved DD for that one! To compound the humiliation, KB was also awarded the “Useless” shirt.

Sir Prince Valiant recounted one of Miscarriage’s adventures in Cambodia…well, at least that’s where his wife thought he was, meantime he was off in Phuket, Thailand, at a hash event.

Phew!!…I think that’s all for today folks!!

Moonbeams did his duty calling “end of circle” in time for us all to race home to watch Q&A or the Tour de France.

A FINAL NOTE – thank you to Caustic for filling in for me doing the words the last couple of weeks AND to all of you who very generously contributed to myself and my wife in our fundraising for the Cairns to Karumba bike ride, a big thankyou!!

On on,

Fanny Charmer

On-Sec

This weeks pictures

The Annual Hash Relay is on our door step this year. Truck Tyres and your Hierarchy needs numbers for our team!!

About The Hash Relay

Date: 29/06/2015

Location: Mudgeeraba

Hare: Rock Hard

Runners: 22

WHERE is the RA ???  RAIN RAIN RAIN !!!

Suffice to say the precipitation was enough to scare off all but the hardy Hashers (and those who want a night away from the “trouble & strife”)

At just after 6.15 the GM called the rabble to order and the Hare Rockhard gave the run briefing; on chalk (And its raining yeh right !) and the walkers follow the chalk but if there isn’t any chalk “keep walking” and the you will cross the runners trail but “keep walking” and if you see trail marks in the wrong direction just “keep walking” til you get back here ! Circumference was heard to say “why is it that the longer you are in Hash the harder it is to understand the Hare’s briefings” ? One of the conundrums of the day !

Remember the 80/20 rule now applies to our Hash; 80% Walk and 20% Run !

Anyway, off went the pack, rugged up in thick waterproof jackets  against the wind, rain and wet conditions, and headed off towards Mudgeeraba Village centre thru to the Caltex overpass thru Robina via Laver drive then under the underpass and back thru the “shiggy” ; approx. 8.3 kms for the Runners but most walkers ignored the Hare’s briefing and got lost at the Mudgeeraba roundabout when the trail ran out and then came home!

Moonbeams, Weekly and the Stand-In Scribe took the decision to have a motorised run but ran out of petrol at the Woodchoppers Inn; how convenient as the warm wood fire and delicious cold beer was a welcome waiting spot whilst we awaited the RACQ ! Or something like that !!

We arrived back at the venue to see the Hare getting ever increasingly “frazzled” as the Nosh was ready but the pack had not returned in full; Never leave a man behind !!! that was until Rockhard delivered to the concrete stoop of the Mudgeeraba Music Hall the “Penne bolognaise” and baguettes (with protective rain film); the Pack descended, like the rabid dogs they are, on the warm sustenance with nary a glance at the late arrivals! FX#K them (munch munch) slow karnts (munch munch) is there enough for 2nds (munch munch) yeh dig in mate (munch munch).

Late arrival Link (soaking wet, dirty and cold ) looking, like “Oliver” with his bowl extended, got a few measly scraps and then ( I will always be haunted by the sight !) SPV manfully acquired the slops pot and with the last few bits of stale bread left by the Pack wiped the pot clean; Rockhard was heard to say “at least I wont have to wash that pot” !!

** Late information has come to hand that the Hare had another pot of Nosh on the stove at home !!!! These reserves were reserved ?

 Dessert was “on special” offer from Aldi with a choice of canned peaches or mixed fruit with “out of date” Neopolitan ice-cream ! HMMMMM Gourmet Hash ???

The “Standing” Nosh (as there were no chairs or tables) on the concrete stoop was accompanied by a drum cacophony (A drum cacophony is a drum symphony created and played by a drug crazed Deaf Society); drum practice finished at 8:10 and turned the lights off during circle (More on the circle later)

Circle Report

Rockhard was called out and Flasher gave the run report using his new pink “toy” watch (A xmas gift to his wife) to support his claim he hadn’t short-cutted; on trail was his claim but we ALL know the truth Flasher ??!!

Bent Banana gave it a good but long run in the conditions with long distances between chalk marks; in conclusion he determined it was too F#XKing wet and too F#Xking long !

Walkers report was the usual confused senile dribble of being on trail, til they lost trail, and so they reversed trail, and somehow found their way home !!

As reported earlier at this juncture the punctured eardrums were mercifully saved when drum practise stopped and the lights went out ! End of Circle ???? Noooooooooooooooooooooo !! But wait there’s more ?!!

• Shat got a D/D for his latest tea leaf diet scam netting him millions
• Flasher got a D/D for stealing his wife’s xmas pink “toy” (never seen a buzzing “watch” before Flasher!!)
• Swindler grovelled that he hadn’t missed Josephine in the Year Book and referred to page 20a); both Swindler & Josephine got D/D
• Link asked if anyone had picked up his $20 pocket money which he had lost between the car and the concrete stoop; ALL Hashers eyes went to the heavens or to their muddy boots but seemingly no one had noticed or picked up the missing “lobster” ?!???! hmmm

In support of the photographic evidence from yours truly the Stand-In Scribe describing the drunken exploits of Headjob & Swallow (his missus) at his birthday party at the Curry Muncher this was followed by SPV complaining that they then had a birthday party on Sat night just down the street from him which finished only after the 3^rd attendance by the police; SPV is very worried that house prices may fall as the neighbourhood is in decline since the Welsh git and his soap dodging Pommie wife have moved into the area!!

Hash Investigators made further inquiries and the drunken party in question may have been “next door” !!?? The Jury is OUT !

 NEWS FLASH

Caustic Crusader went down to Chevron this morning and there was an Indian protest going on outside the Curry Muncher

I think it had something to do with the drunkin fiasco outside their restaurant last night…!!!!

Martin outside the curry Muncher

Circle end was called at 8:30 by the GM and Moonbeams abdicated his traditional right of “ending” to Josephine !

PS: The stand-In Scribe got home to Miss SA to be told your home too early and should have stopped for a beer on the way home !!! Funnily I’m sure I heard the back door shutting ??????

THIS WEEKS PICTURES

On On

Caustic Crusader

Date: 15/06/2015

Location: Burleigh Heads

Hare: Elvis

Runners: 27

The Annual Hash Relay is on our door step this year. Truck Tyres and your Hierarchy needs numbers for our team!!

About The Hash Relay

Run 1963

Well, here we are at the second run under the new hierarchy and what a night was had by all!

First up, I must express my extreme gratitude on behalf of all of us to tonight’s hare, Elvis, a soccer aficionado who is normally otherwise occupied most Monday nights with matters concerning the round-ball sport. At extremely short notice and fortunately having a night off from his normal activity, he volunteered to set the run, conditional upon being allowed to make it a “restaurant run”, with the nosh being had at Silk Thai restaurant. All scepticism about restaurant runs can be put aside gents, as this one was a corker, with a reasonable cost-per-head, no corkage and the hash being allowed to sell its own grog as per usual. More on the nosh later…

The Run and Walk:

Due to the lingering after-effects of having contracted the lurgy on the Hash Car Rally several weeks ago, yours truly did the walk rather than the run tonight and if that was anything to go by, the run must have been a challenge, because the walk certainly was!! Another notable walker who normally runs was Caustic, who is nursing a buggered knee.

Up and down hills, through bushland and derelict warehouses, the walk had it all, including getting us all lost at one stage and in danger of falling off the edge of a cliff. Elvis, you have done yourself proud being able to set the run/walk and keeping us all safe and without the need to cross any of the major roads that surround your lovely suburb.

An added bonus for both runners and walkers was the drink-stop half way up the hill and in the bush! Here we were all warmly greeted by Elvis’ neighbours who delighted in playing host to the hashers and keeping us all imbibed with glorious liqueurs left over from Elvis’ 50^th birthday party some five years ago! The Zambucca was brilliant and the other blue stuff, whatever it was, also wasn’t too shabby. After that little break off we went up the hill, only to then get lost shortly thereafter…must have been the after-effects of the alcohol.

There was one criticism, that being that Elvis must have had a shortage of chalk as the arrows were tiny…we’re getting old mate, we can’t see arrows that are smaller than 30cm!!!

The Circle:

Due to the restaurant not having dinner ready for us yet, we broke with tradition and had the circle before the nosh…what must the punters nearby at the service station have thought of 27 grown men standing around as we sang our down-down ditty several times over at the top of our voices…sure to be escapees from the local lunatic asylum!!.

Our new GM had some significant announcements to make at the start of circle:

• This year a new democratic order will be introduced to the hash but more about that later (I can reveal that some of it has to do with awards such as Prick of the Week but I don’t want to steal the GM’s thunder!).
• The good news is that your new caring and financially conscious committee has kept Booze prices & Run Fees the same!!!
• The Royal Fatwa on Icings has been declared Null & Void and the outgoing committee had better get their backsides ready!!
• The GM wants to “add value” to the Hash (doesn’t he mean “personally profit from all of this”) so this year all gifts to the GM will only be accepted if they contain Gold, Silver or Precious Gemstones – However, poetic licence will be allowed!
• This year we want to encourage all Hares to make their run special be it a Birthday run or otherwise. We want you to use Internet research to find out something special preferably on your Run day or near to it. For Instance you could set an American Independence Day run or a Mexican National Day run. Nothing too elaborate – for example it could be as simple as wearing the colours of the flag if it is Botswana National Day of Independence. If hares make an effort and provide food relevant to the occasion they may be awarded an extra $1 per person bonus as an incentive at hierarchy discretion.
• Most important, team up with another hasher so that at all runs there is at least one Hare who goes on the trail (we’re sick of all you pricks getting lost all the time!).
• Finally we have decided to discontinue the Hash Hotline as our excellent website maintained by Botcho provides the information visitors and new runners require (this is the 21^st Century…who calls a bloody hotline, unless it’s a sex hotline!)

Down-Downs:

First out for a down-down was Elvis for being the hare. Miscarriage also got a down-down for being a birthday boy and as “one birthday boy drinks all birthday boys drink” back out came Elvis for another one.

The next down-down was for Kitchen Bitch for having nominated an incoming committee in the full knowledge that most of them would then proceed to disappear overseas as soon as they were nominated. Good one KB!!

Poor old Sir Slab copped the next down-down for the cycling debacle that occurred on the weekend…who would have thought that a handkerchief could cause a $7000 roadbike to be a total write-off!! He copped a second down-down for driving through the window at the front of his carport whilst he was making sure that the new roof-rack cleared the ceiling…oops, the bumper bar didn’t clear the window!!

Back out came KB for another down-down, this time for having the audacity to get himself a fulltime job and turning up to the hash in the work BMW with all its advertising on the sides.

Miscarriage copped a down-down for running off into the wilderness of Carrara with Bent Banana’s pretty young Japanese house guest on the pretext of accompanying her on a run but obviously having other thoughts on his mind. Whilst out in the circle, Miscarriage did highlight that our hash membership is…well, age

Last but not least, Blackstump got a down-down for stashing the family jewels in the lingerie drawer at his daughter’s place…that one passed me by!! Some of these reasons for down-downs are getting pretty feeble!

The Nosh:

Only one word can describe the nosh…brilliant! Silver Thai had us all seated, with us taking up the whole restaurant and three lovely dishes came out per table, along with ample rice…tasty and ample quantity….so much in fact that some of the dishes on some of the tables were not finished…quite a contrast to a recent event that shall not be named!!

Wrap-up:

Some sad news…Moonbeams is not travelling too well at the moment with radiation treatment having commenced to a bone behind his eye..he’ll need 15 doses, so all our best wishes are with him at the moment…as they are with Croc’s wife, who also is not travelling too well.

Finally, your trusty On-Sec is going to be away for the next two runs doing the charity ride from Cairns to Karumba and I would like to thank each of you who have so generously donated to myself and Victoria to get us well and truly over the line on our fundraising target. Thank you Caustic for volunteering to do the words for the next two weeks.

On On

Fanny Charmer

On-Sec

Date: 8/06/2015

Location: Gilston

Hares: Blackstump

Runners: 24 + 11 lovely ladies

Hash Words for run 1962

The Preamble:

The passing of an era…the sale of the Ponderosa…the downsizing of Blackstump…the beginning of the reign of the new hierarchy…the presence of partners…what else can be said about the run on Monday 8^th June 2015 which was advertised as “Blackie’s birthday run”…and it’s not even Blackie’s birthday for another three weeks!

The day started at 1.00pm out near the Ponderosa stables at the rear of the property where the trusty trailer had been parked and the tables and chairs all set out in orderly fashion befitting the manicured state of Blackie and Helen’s lovely property.

The crowd was welcomed by our new GM, Rug (I’m not wearing all that GM shit this week!), and a run description was provided by Blackie, who assured us that the only reason he was not going to send us off on a river crossing was the fact that the Hinze dam was at full capacity and that the crossing might be “a bit too dangerous for you blokes – you might all get washed away (he said with a twinkle of his only eye)”. Off into the bush we were about to set when who should come waltzing down the driveway but Iceman and his entourage…no less than 15 minutes late and with no excuse to offer other than the early onset of dementia. After an appropriate dressing down, the rabble, including Iceman, set off down into the bush. The walkers set off in the direction of the street on what was described as a “4 km walk”, half of that consisting of the return trip up and down Blackie’s driveway.

The run:

The run consisted of a decent amount of bush and was well marked with toilet paper and flour and the street bits were well marked with chalk…..no tricks here, Blackie is a man of utmost integrity and would never consider nasty tricks like false trails with up to thirteen arrows before an on-back!

We all figured early on that we had a live hare in our midst who very kindly crossed out the false trails at the checks…..well done Blackie…it kept the run down to a respectable 6.9km. We were accompanied by one girl runner…Mrs Latrine’s niece from the Phillipines, Joy, who kept up a fairly hefty pace and also succeeded in keeping down the amount of swearing and profanity amongst the runners. Those of us with any brains at all made sure that we stayed behind Blackie so that we didn’t waste time nor energy in going down false trails.

The relief that has obviously come with stepping down from the onerous task of GM meant that…and yes, you are about to read this, unbelievable as it may seem….Kitchen Bitch actually ran the run (well, sort of!)….that’s until he decided, along with Mme Latrine and several others, to shortcut the run by about four kilometres… .not with standing the cheating, welcome to the ranks of the runners KB!!

In usual style Flasher ran his own run, disappearing off up the hill towards Carrara when the rest of us, led by our live hare, actually followed the arrows and went off through more side streets and into more bush…and no Flasher, that’s bullshit, there were no arrows leading up the hill and if you saw paper, it was bloody litter, not trail markings!! Definitely a man well on the way to the locked dementia ward if he keeps up these antics!

In all, a great final run from the Ponderosa and enjoyed by all!

The Nosh and circle:

The Nosh consisted of entrée of nibbles, with the main course being bbq’d steak and sausages with coleslaw and salad and dessert of ice cream and diced fruit…a great feed and a great start to the “back to basics” year with your new hierarchy. This will be a year of good running, good wholesome but basic food, good mateship and good cheer…no way can we outdo the lavish treats put on by the outgoing committee so the only way to stand out is to be different…more news on that following our inaugural hierarchy meeting this week!

Circle was a subdued affair for your new GM as it was mixed company, although our wives all have a pretty good idea of how stupid we sometimes get (they only have to look at the pictures on our website!). Let it be known though that the Royal Fatwah declared by the outgoing committee banning icings has been lifted by your new GM and they will occur in the near future, but unlike last year, only when truly deserved!

It was a refreshing change to have the ladies present….and praise must go to Freddie (Mrs Slab) for riding her bicycle all the way out to Gilston from Mermaid Waters…a grand effort and obviously she’s starting the training early for the 2000^th run to Boonah that her worse half is organising for us all next year.

Sir Prince, you did a sterling job as Hash Cash, of course with the calm guidance of your predecessor SS by your side.

Jigsaw, you have slotted straight into the job of Hash Flash, going around the crowd, ensuring that there were happy snaps of all of us.

Blackie…thank you for your kind offer of donating half of your entitlement to Nosh payment back to the Hash…we need to build up the coffers after being left with $6.34 (and a lot of booze) by the outgoing committee.

Brewtus and Weekly..you guys have stepped up to the plate of boozemasters brilliantly…and nice to see you all done up to the nine’s with your formal jacket on Weekly!

Circle ended with the usual refrain from Moonbeams…”end of circle!!”

Fanny Charmer

On Sec