Run: 1729
Hare: Hierarchy
Location: Surfers paradise
Date: 20th December, 2010

GCHHH Christmas run 2010

Through the alcoholic haze and fading memory of your faithful On Sec the following points are drifting back.

1. Gathering on Shat’s front lawn in the afternoon solarium.
2. Santa suits (summer version) are distributed to all compliments of your sharing and caring hierarchy.
3. Excellent nibbles are provided and Cumsmoke is in top form consuming half of them
4. Pizza is talking English of sorts and appears to be sober at this point.
5. NO BUS arrives to head to Versace.
6. The pack wanders off in an Easterly direction to spread Hash goodwill.
7. First thirst quencher is with a wonderful view of the esplanade construction zone and cold beers run freely.
8. Down to Cavill Ave to find some overseas tourists to spread further goodwill.
9. Photos spots galore and Cumsmoke is in his element.
10. Flasher is walking along in his undies.
11. Pizza is getting a bit slurred.
12. Caustic has fielded a call to say the assistants for tonight are double booked……….. Oh Fuck!!!!!
13. A (Very) quick visit to the cop shop on the way for even more goodwill.
14. The Lansdowne Pub is next and 30 swarming red coated santas attack the bar.
15. More good will with Shat and others looking after some lost Swedish female backpackers.
16. Mystery venue stand in for the Versace turns out to be the private room of the Clock Hotel.
17. Steak, Salmon or Chicken ????? All excellent!!!!
18. Hash Cash says FREE DRINKS !!!!!! for one hour.
19. Pizza is pissed.
20. Flasher orders the steak “medium rare please”
21. Caustic has solved the assistant debacle and called in the next best option………….. Pay MORE … get the best!!!
22. Assistant “A” arrives ………. seems she was looking the other way when the tits were being handed out, rushed up to get her’s but by then they were dishing our arses “so she got two”
23. Caustic interviews “A” and confirms the appointment. Caustic likes to give them Nicknames …….. This one got AA cup.

1. Assistant “B” arrives ……Seems she was looking the other way when the personalities were being handed out, but fronted up well for the tits (maybe latter surgical assistance too) however gravity has taken it’s toll.

Poor thing had had a falling out with the bouncers at Shooters the night before so “can’t carry trays I’m sorry got a sore wrist”

25.Caustic names this one “Point South”

26.30 Minutes left on the FREE GROG !!!!!!!!!!!!!

27. R/A issues numerous charges that do and don’t stick!!!!

28. BB takes up the challenge to offer many and varied DD songs … A great effort !!!

29. Pizza attempts to speak ……………. No one understands???

30. Croc jumps in the assist with translation of Pizza’s slurred rendition.

31. Meals are finished and Flasher still doesn’t have his steak.

32. Flasher stands on a chair so we can all admire his Christmas bloomers.

33. FREE DRINKS are extended.

34. Miscarriage joins in the vertical challenged musical chairs game to deliver a Christmas wish from his twin brother, along with charges all round.

35. Flasher gets his steak ……….. delicious he says !!

36.Mayhem and frivolity continue until the pub calls … LAST DRINKS!!

37. The assistants depart to get into civvies.

38. Hash Cash takes a valium.

39. Caustic collapses excausted.

40. Pizza and BB are last seen stumbling along arm in arm toward the Cavill cab rank, Pizza is coaching BB on the art of home brewing and BB listens intently.

41. Another Christmas run draws to a close ………………. and we ponder “How we do it”

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my Hash friends, but it is difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer (Cumsmoke) recently, and on advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Privacy Act).

Run: 1728
Hare: Josephine
Location: Pony Club, Nerang
Date: 13th December, 2010

Thunderstorm clouds in the air greeted a motley pack of some 26 Hashers who quickly took control of the Pony Club facilities and set up camp!

Promptly at 6:15 the pack assembled for the Hare’s briefing;

Quote: “No Hills but a few gentle inclines!! “ Hilary only had Mt Everest! Off went the pack both Runners and Walkers to the first water hazard – first swimmer was Aussie and Sir Rabbit got his paws wet!

First check saw the pack divide equally left and right with the left handers following an old Harriet trail and the right handers just confused! Half hour later the sweeper Sir Slab informed all that the trail was straight on!!!

Sir Rabbit and Shat however were so engrossed in Xmas shopping stories they held hands and completed their own run in a respectable 2 hours.

Up went the pack on the “gentle incline”; sign posts said a 1:7 climb and low gear should be used! Ropes and crampons were deployed on the North Face ; Mumbles called for oxygen and was told to “toughen the fuck up “ ; Summit was reached to find the sweeper turning the map back and forth and stating it wasn’t in Kiwi so he had no idea!!!!!

Consensus of older and wiser heads reckoned lets go left but this was heading to Oxenford and reassembly back to Checkpoint Charlie eventuated a right hand turn and back on trail.

Numerous checks, water crossings (for some!!), mud, confusion but a “well set trail” saw the pack emerging from the mists circa 7:40
Swimming leg was completed by Aussie; Two Dogs; Rug; Sir Rabbit
Circle called at some time??
The Hare was called out and Blowfly gave run report but he got lost at the 1^st Check and followed the Harriet “Tampons” trail; overall opinion it was a “near” debacle saved by experienced short cutting Hashers 8/10
Nosh Report from Moonbeams was less favourable as the “refrozen “hamburger rolls were tougher than a McDonald’s cardboard wrapper! Moonbeams did try a 2^nd hamburger but was now regretting it! 4/10
Note from Sir Rabbit sounded like a strangulated testicle!

Trivia Time
Mystery photo of a bearded underworld figure was handed around by the GM and various suggestions were made as to the identity of the mystery man;

Julia Guillard – a strong contender

Rug in his MI5 days – a possible

Nigel Manson – ?????????? A definite maybe

Decision pending

Visitors

CRIT (that’s Clit with a R) a Singapore Hash man who was so hirsute it was suggested he should shave his back or else he would be a “hairy Crit”

Other business

Botcho was called forward by the GM and adorned with a PVC glove scarf to remind him of his recent proctology exam –results from the doctor was he gave him 4 fingers but he made a good fist of it !!

Aptly Shat gave Botcho a note

RA was called to circle and reminded Hash of the 1^st rule of Hash –No Poofs only to charge Rockhard with wearing a citronella armband to ward off the mozzies ! –charge was dismissed by Sir Rabbit as being frivolous

Two Dogs presented with 3^rd Dan balsa wood chopping

Aussie gave Two Dogs a note “in Japanese!!!!!!!!”

Charges

Rainbow charged Sir Slab (trail sweeper) with “fucking” incompetence with “fucking expletives” interspersed with “fucks”

Charges dismissed as how could a “fucking” Tasmanian understand broad Kiwi trail directions!
POW
Botcho entered circle holding POW paraphernalia and a ripped POW bag; MI5 are investigated the act of vandalism –stay tuned for next week’s report on possible culprits of this heinous crime!

Only 1 contender for the POW was called forward –Josephine! Not only had he served reheated cardboard boxes on stale buns but had omitted to bring the ice-cream which was safely back in his fridge!

Aussie was rightly charged with GM abuse but no-one heard!

Torrential downpour recommenced but the RA escaped once again! Maybe there is a God! Inshallah next week

Next week’s run
Xmas run
Assemble 5pm at Shats for pre-dinner drinks and nibbles
15 River Drive
Budds Beach
Bus leaves for Versace sharp 6pm !! Formal dress MUST be worn!!
Moonbeams called end of circle late into the night and the bedraggled pack slopped off in the mud to their cars!
Footnote from the stand in On Sec
At 4:48 am was awoken to a mighty clap of thunder! – Sadly this was not the case but the Hash Nosh composting had reached critical conditions and a Code Brown was called!!!!!!!!! Thanks Josephine
Stand in On Sec
Caustic

Run: 1727
Hare: Mumbles & Now Loved
Location: Nerang
Date: 6th December, 2010

The Mumbles Mansion is the location for the run with Now Loved as able assistant ….. Off into the wilds of the Paris end of Nerang goes the pack of 30 odd hashers.

Cumagen and Sir AH have the keg sorted and a few welcome beers great the thirsty pack. The R/A’s super powers prevail and a dry run ensues.

8.02 It’s time for circle.

THIS WEEK’S SPONSOR is announced as “Sir Slabb’s super size solutions”
Flasher is the only hassle here and a mere 45cms short of hanging Sir Slabb’s sign.

THE HARES …… Mumbles and Now Loved.

Botcho gives a run report….. Short cuts were easy!!!

Caustic ………. I short cut too GM (naughty Trail Master)

Swollen … Well set!!!

Josephine topped it off with …”got lost … well marked ?????? best run this week!!”

Ferret commented on the nosh ……… not bad 8/10 cheese and other shit!!!

Jigsaw gives a note.

RETURNING RUNNERS…. Mr Chips …. Dropped the average age below 55.

Rockhard … fucked the average age back to over 70!!

Ice Arse … travelled a LONG way from next door. ( Glad you could make it )

At HUGE expense the awards for milestone runs are handed out with NO expense spared on the shirts.
Aussie ……….. 300 runs
Now Loved ….300 runs
VD ……………400 runs
Dicky Knee…100 walks

An unsightly group strip to the waist and get their shirts at the envy of all in attendance.
Blackstump offers a note.

Blacky offers a river run “ NO WAY “ is the resounding response. (it’s only running at 35 mtrs)
Jigsaw, Two Dogs, Josephine, Sir Rabbit, Ferret, Aussie and Bent Banana are up next. ONE in Seven are gay !!!!! So which one of you is it??? ….Challenges the GM.

JIGSAW gets the vote and gets a double for having his hat on too.

Christmas run ………… Starts Shat’s place at Budds Beach 5 for 5.30 Bus to Versace leaves at 6 SHARP………… Reminder from Caustic.

CHARGES ….
Swollen …… Forgot???????????

Sir Prince gives a note.

Caustic ………. Real estate agent spots Cumsmoke’s note on the lawn and Caustic tries in vain to explain ………. A stolen Gold Card is produced and the two culprits walk free. (A royal inquest into Gold Card fraud is now commissioned by the GM )

Circumference gets a birthday note!!

Dicky Knee … the recipient of the “most” free crownies gives the note.

POW Ferret lines up KB, Point Two, Dicky Knee, VD, Sir AH and Cumagen.

All NON starters in the run……. Please explain… follow with lame excuses flowing freely. Each one is dismissed until it gets down to Dicky …. Who has a flash of genius and declares he is away for the next 3 weeks …. Off the hook goes Dicky!!!

Botcho, Ice Arse and Mumbles are called to circle and Botcho gets the POW for under cover food comments ….. 3 goes later the POW DD is finished.

Missing Link announces a Thailand bike ride in mid October next year………SEE Missing Link for more info on the crew attending.

An IMPORTANT EARLY NOTICE to all hashers is issued………..

Please cease all salt intake immediately !!!!! Showpony’s run is only weeks away!!!!!! (Rumor has it pickled produce freezes very well)

The circle closes in a mood of merriment as Swollen and Sir Prince tell the “Stamps and snails” jokes at the enormous humor of all attending. (get them to tell you if you missed them!!!!)

8.40 and it’s “END OF CIRCLE”

A bit of history for you …. The AMA response to Kevin Rudd’s proposal.
The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Rudd health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.    
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.    

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”    
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.    

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.    

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter….”    

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.    

The Anaesthesitists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.    

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra…

On On
KB.

Run: 1726
Hare: Dum Shit
Location: Tugun
Date: 29th November, 2010

SOUTH OF THE BORDER – DOWN DUM SHIT WAY

With a cut lunch and overnight bag packed, 29 intrepid hash explorers headed south looking for Viet Hoa Gardens in Tugun. Not a tree to be seen, no flower beds, no exotic plants – just the smell of stale chicken cooking fat wafting from Red Rooster over the rapidly filling carpark.

Crocodile forgot where the run was so called Kitchen Bitch for help at 6:05. KB answered his phone only to tell Croc

1. The run was somewhere in Tugun
2. KB was somewhere in Coomera
3. Croc was an ex-On Sec
4. KB was a current On Sec
5. Croc would be at the run
6. KB wouldn’t be at the run
7. Croc could do the words
8. KB wouldn’t have to do the words
9.
Viet Hoa Gardens turned out to be a Vietnamese, Chinese, Cantonese, Korean, Burmese, Japanese and Quickeaze eatery where the On On was to be held.

6:15 pm and Dum Shit was called forward to explain the run. “There is a walkers loop and a runners loop and sometimes the walkers loop will cross the runners loop and sometimes they won’t cross but you’ll know when they cross because there will be two lots of arrows – one for walkers and one for runners. Is that clear ??” asked the Hare.

“Oh I forgot to mention” continued Dum and Dummer Shit, “I left the maps at the office so I couldn’t set the walkers loop nor could I do the runners loop, so there is now only one loop to be shared by walkers and runners, except where it is marked with a R for runners and a W for walkers. Is all that clear ??” asked the hare again.

“Clear as shit !!!” answered the pack and headed out of the carpark where the walkers immediately turned south and travelled away from the arrows towards the Tugan pub. The runners headed north on trail.

A good run ensued heading over Tugun Hill past Currumbin Wildlife Park and on up Currumbin Hill dropping down to Elephant Rock and Pacific Pde before following the shore line to Thrower Drive Bridge. Over the bridge and onto the boardwalk through Currumbin Creek wetlands. Crossing under Gold Coast Hwy and back into the buuusscch for a long loop before heading home along the highway.

A great run given 8/10 by Point Two who walked to the pub and 6/10 by Botcho who did the whole run but complained there “weren’t enough checks”.

Circle was called immediately Old Fart arrived back and failed miserably to start while Dicky Knee, Circumference, Flasher, Cumagan and Caustic mumbled incoherently for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile the gathered hashman enjoyed the one or two or three of the draft beers on offer, basking in the warm afterglow of a warm Tugan night and the gathering eye-candy in the two adjoining eateries.

Finally Flasher managed to wrest control from his unruly debating group and actually started the circle only to be rudely interrupted by Cumagan who announced that the Light beer many had been savouring was in actual fact a full strength beer the same as the other tap sending half the pack back to their cars to down a carton of Gaviscon.

DD’s for returning runner Sir Slabb back from his recent En Zed holiday which he spent much of sitting in South Island Wineries slowly getting pissed. Frightened to drink alone he called for support and Black Stump stepped forward, recently returned from his great southern surfing safari love-in cookfest where he entertained the likes of Veteran, VD and Missing Link with his imitation of an Italian chef. According to Botcho the Spaghetti Bol tasted revolting, just like the stuff Blackie serves at the ranch. See what happens when you think you’re drinking Light Beer !!!! You’re moth engages while the brain is still in neutral.

DD’s for Circumference’s telegram to the GM which arrived at the Splinter Lunch, requesting and early circle so as he and Moonbeams don’t fall asleep at 9 o’clock and turn into pumpkins.

Flasher attempts to call the RA but is booed down with a call from the floor for visitors. Crocodile’s old Posh Hash mate from Noosa, Loco stepped forward to say hi and have his DD.

RA now allowed to front the circle and calls for the POW.

Crocodile nominated Flasher, Two Dogs, VD, Blackstump and Sir Slabb to step up and the proceeded to praise them all for coming to hash while injured to be with their hash mates, and then politely told them to sit. Will the real nominee step forward. Ferret is called and berated for not attending the Paradise Point run 2 weeks ago because his “leg is a bit sore and it’s a 30 km round trip – a bit too far for me to go”. Be seated POW Ferrett.

RA calls for charges
Ferrett again for scoring a hole-in one at Palm Meadows that morning
Caustic is charged by King Rat for shortcutting on his fund-raising fun run. As usual Caustic immediately raises a defense, stating the said fun run from Rosser Park was more like the River Kwai march. A short 2 km jog from Rosser Park, then a bus to Harbour Town and then a 15 km slog back to Ashmore so obviously he looked for shortcuts. Sir Rabbit was called to adjudicate and found for the defense. Case dismissed
Shetland charged by Bent Banana for sprinting past the front runners in the last 200 mtrs

Flasher must have been on a speed dating course on his last trip OS as he quickly took over from the RA and thanked Caustic for donating the evenings wine – the result of 3 years buying cartons of wine online, tasting one and disliking it intensely and putting the remains under his staircase, which he only rediscovered on Saturday as he was moving house.

Point Two was called for an update on Building Blocks Australia and advised the shed is almost (??) erect and the publican cried when they left Urbansville.

A record for a Flasher Circle as he closed and the Nosh arrived.

Great Nosh and plenty of it, complimented by Caustic’s cellar – thanks Caustic !!!!

SO impressed with the Nos was Caustic that he collected $2 from everyone present and gave it to our Vietnamese hostess as a tip. “Oh thank you” she cried, now I have enough to bring out 14 more of my cousins.

On On Crocodile
Thanks for the help Croc

On On Kitchen Bitch

Run: 1725
Hare: Blow fly & Sir Prince
Location: Bundall
Date: 22th November, 2010

Back of the council chambers …………. Not a bad place to start the run!!!
Not a bad place to put in the gourmet Asian kitchen complete with THREE woks and burners.
Well raise the bar all you like Pizza this dynamic duo are up to the challenge!!
Unfortunately you On Sec arrived late and missed the chat about the run …. However pulling up in the car park and looking across to see the THREE woks and burners to boot was almost ejaculation territory for any Kitchen Bitch.
Just in time for the last two dim sims I settled into a quiet beer and then all hell broke loose……….. Pizza has obviously been sampling his wine cellar (Caused by an impromptu visit by Nasty and Cumsmoke on the way to hash) “better have a father devine “ announces Pizza and a 375 ml glass of red follows .
The fantastic waft of Sir Prince’s Asian delicacy is in the air and the chat around the group has high expectation of the impeding nosh.
A Sir Prince gourmet extravaganza unfolds including the now famous “Banana Fritters”
It’s 9.08PM and Flasher calls CIRCLE
Blowfly is up as the hare.
Bent Banana give him 50% of 100% …. Set on a bike Hmmmmmmm
200 mtrs between arrows ,,,,,,, not a lot of checks, same country…..NOT A BAD TRAINING EXERCISE!!!
Average run!!! ( Guess Bent Banana was JUST impressed)
Guess that equates to 5/10 from a hard task master … clearly NO allowance for PMS (Post Marital Syndrome)
Icing is called for … but the GM relents to PMS.
GM Flasher announces “tonight will be a quite circle” (someone should have told Pizza)
No Sponsor tonight … He’s not here!!!!!
Custic jumps in with a stand in sponsor and offers Philippines hash shirts donated as an alternative.
Veteran is called on the yellow code number
No Fucking idea GM
“O”O”O””O” calls the pack … but Veteran is gone!!!
Nasty gives a note “O”O””O”O”O”O”
Botcho (Deservedly) gets recognition for all the hard work on the photos… but no yellow card!!!
Nasty moves to curtail Pizza’s noise level!!!!!!!! ( only partially successful)
Nasty feels compelled to comment on the run …… Great run !!!
Hmmmmmmmmm
Miscarriage gives the noooooooooooooote.
The Chef de cuisine Sir Prince Valiant is up next.
Tidal Wave his assistant is called too.
Sir Prince announces that the day off for pre was the plan BUT 12.30 to 5 PM was all that was available ………. Brought my own GAS too !!!!
“How do you do it for the money” echoes around the circle.
Sir prince offers his budget secret…… seems the Princess has saved him soooooooooo much money with the $3,000 Vanity and $1,000 mirror
He can afford a few extra bucks for Hash.
Then the truth comes out that the real saving is in Sir Prince’s eco gas energy saving policy.
Seems Sir Prince has saved an amazing $4.00 per month on his gas bill for a mere outlay of only $2,850 ……………… not bad Sir Prince……… your grand children MAY get to enjoy this saving.
Bung gives a (Very loud ) note.
VISITORS
International ….. Pricilla from North shore Auckland NZ
He was GM until last week and the scampered over to OZ!!!!!!!
Found GCHHH on the net!!!
Mumbles (welcome back ) gives a note.
Pizza is getting pissed and Nasty is failing miserably in his task.
Mario no shoes is back complete with shoes and the best pair of “Rule one” shorts.
R/A is up next.
Rain rain go away !!!!!!!!!
R/A calls for ICE . Hmmmmmmmmm
CHARGES ….
Miscarriage charges Pricilla on a tasteless commentary .
OLD FART , BUNG and SIR PRINCE are called to circle
Hmmmmm you’re all Gold Card holders right???
Do you want the ICE or use your cards ???
The Gold cards are handed in …….. Cumsmoke and Caustic share them between themselves( Subject to royal inquest)
Bung is invited back …….. NOW you have no gold card you’re charged
Poor Bung is on the ICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caustic gets a DD for being a Scot and bailing out the Irish debt
Pricilla gets it for the statistic of 85% of Kiwis liking sex in the shower ………. Seems 15% have not been to jail yet.
Sir AH gets numbers on the splinter lunch at Broadbeach 15 coming @ $10/head
Next week’s run …… Dumbshit at Tugun with a Thai restaurant meal
CAUSTIC IS DONATING the red wine.
Now loved is into a new profession transporting clients to local houses of ill repute … got the BIG BUS so discounts apply!!

Circumference gives the circle …… hurry up!!!
Into circle Circumference gets a DD and more time.
Aussie gives the note.
POW Croc is missing ………….. on his “birthday BASH”
Moonbeams is missing … So Ferret calls “END OF CIRCLE”
It’s now 9.40pm and the pack has consumed a serious contender for N.O.T.Y.

On On

KB