Run 1809
Date : 2nd July 2012
Hare : Rainbow
Venue : Helensvale Tavern, Helensvale
Runners 35

Weeks to next Gold Coast half marathon – 51

A healthy head count was apparent prior to start, was this due to the fact that the word ‘Tavern’ was in the venue title? (highly likely)

The Hare; Rainbow, gave us the usual spiel including a total distance of 5.7 km (my arse it was) up to 7.7 if you took the false trails.

The pack ran through the drive-in of Red Rooter, round the back of Old Helensvale shopping centre, before crossing the highway and onto the car park of the new Helensvale shopping centre. The trail ran cold at the check by the M1 overpass and it was sometime, before on was called in the direction of Pacific Pines.

Alas it was the start of the false trails and of course it prompted a large group to secret themselves until the appearance of Veteran.

Back to the check, another false trail then into the industrial estate before emerging out by the side of the New Helensvale shopping centre, down another false trail to the golf course then along the station by the side of the shopping centre. Had we actually gone anywhere???

The trail led back across the highway and past the venue – note to Hares – if you want at least half of the pack to stop half way, then run the trail past the venue – The hardened runners continued alongside the shopping centre (still) then onto a pathway which ran parallel to Discovery Drive.

I must remember to ring the RSPCA because it sounded as though someone is keeping a grizzly bear in their back garden, change of underwear required.

More false trails, bit of chiggy and parkland. Two Dogs and I split at a check, I found two arrows I assumed as a hard on but they turned out to be the end of a false trail, by the time I reached the next check I had lost the trail, lost interest and was quickly losing the will to live.

Fortunately the bright lights of Helensvale Tavern could be seen in the distance and they beckoned me back home.

Circle was convened quickly and the Hare called out. Rainbow explained he had retired and is about to commence a motor home tour of the country with his better half – Babbling Brook. He was wished well on his travels with a DD

Returning runners – Nasty/Miscarriage/Veteran/Rock Hard were invited out and asked for an update as to their recent whereabouts. Saving us from unnecessary boredom, Moonbeams managed to over-talk them all and move proceedings forwards

Miscarriage scored the run 7/10, complained about the style of arrows and described the highlight as the elation shown by Veteran at the hashers hiding at the on back.

Veteran was given a DD for his work on last year’s hierarchy.

Miscarriage made some unintelligible remarks about extra fabric in his tracksuit

Sir Rabbit, Ferret (proxy for Shredder) and Rectum were brought out for taking part in the Half Marathon, the highlight of which was the young ladies by KFC in mumble pants. This term was explained to Cum Smoke who has obviously had a sheltered upbringing.

DD for Ozzie for his part in the hiding group.

POW to be held over for next week by order of the GM

DD for Josephine ( a popular choice this year) for questioning the number of testicles held by the GM and comparing him to Adolf Hitler.

Correspondence was sent in by Shat, updating us on the trio of globetrotters that are himself, Prince Valiant and Sir Slab (described as a try hard for not hiring an electric bike)

Next weeks run – Latrine @ Dan Murphy’s (to be confirmed)

Circle concluded, Rainbow explained that if two hashers bought drinks at the same time, then one free meal was available if it contained rice, unless one of the drinks was wine then the second meal had to be chicken. (that’s how it sounded to me)

Inside the tavern it was in fact half price meals, which were excellent overall.

Thanks to Rainbow and good luck, you will need it (24hrs a day with a back seat driver!).

I was asked to give mention to the generous gift of hash shirts by Nasty to some of the newer members, on the down side none of them fit, but on the positive side they make excellent drop sheets for large pieces of furniture such as sofas, double beds etc.

Finally, the resident double agent – Cum Smoke – would like you all to be aware that Wednesday night’s mixed hash (you remember the one that calls us gay) is holding a trivia night on Friday at 7pm to celebrate their 1700th run. This means they have clocked up almost 10 kms to date. The venue is NERANG SCOUT HALL as the Versace was booked, prizes are a surprise (for that read non-existent) and Cum Smoke had no idea of the entry fee. To test your mental acuity a couple of examples were provided –

1. Name two colours
2. If a sandwich costs $5 and I give a $10 note to the vendor, how much change will I receive?

Good luck

On On

Rectum
On Sec
Some of the above may be untrue.

Run 1808
Date : 25th June 2012
Hare : Josephine
Venue : Sports field, Currumburra Road, Ashmore
Runners 27

Weeks to July– one

Cloud cover – thank god, we were not to be exposed to the ridiculously low temperature of last weeks run. Numbers were up to 27 this week, eagerly anticipating the return of the new GM; Bent Banana. Faces showed traces of concern as hashers recalled Josephine’s burgers on runs past.

The keen runners shouted for a time check as the clock ticked over to 6.15 so without further ado, the GM called off.

Down the back of the grandstand, which wasn’t really grand, to the first of numerous checks, numerous false trails and numerous on backs. The markings were clear and well placed, it was apparent that this was an experienced hare.

We emerged at the rear of Von Bibra on Southport Nerang Road and the pack split at the check, they were reunited on the opposite side of the road and led into bush, through an industrial estate, across more roads and into the bush again. The checks were still evident and kept most of the pack together.

As we ran along a dirt track, the trail dried up but was re-discovered taking us through some chiggy. On back was called to the lead group, Two Dogs, Flasher, Botcho and Blackie, though they appeared to be suffering from selective deafness and continued to cut off a healthy chunk of the trail.

We were re-united with the lead group opposite Bunnings on Olsen Avenue where once again the trail had to be unearthed after a cleverly misleading check.
Showing complete disrespect for the efforts for the Hare, Flasher and Botcho made their own trail home, whilst the rest of us continued through the catholic estate re-emerging onto Southport Nerang Road and on home.

A very good run was suddenly enhanced by the image of Sir Rabbit preparing the food. This turned out to be a lamb and yam vindaloo dopiaza (double onions I am informed) accompanied with a slice of raisin toast pretending to be a peshwari naan! T A truly pukka curry; this is why we are called the gourmet hash.

Circle was called by the GM who, with Josephine as a private audience, launched into an extensive introduction outlining his likes, dislikes, two future gifts – a Pizza plug and a Caustic curse???

Josephine was identified as the person solely responsible for the selection of the new GM and jnformed that ANY criticism of the GM over the next year would result in a Down Down for Josephine.
Once the shock had registered, Josephine took his DD and was then recalled for another with other members of last years Hierarchy. Thanks were expressed for all their efforts last year and then the new Hierarchy “Banana’s Bunch” were welcomed. Once again Rectum was singled out for praise with the Harsh words.
(keep this up and I will be unconstitutionally keeping the position next year)

That done, the hare Josephine was called out (notice the recurring theme) for another DD. Botcho remarked that the run was excellent and well marked, a score of 8/10 was awarded.

Sir Rabbit was similarly awarded 8/10 by Flasher for the “good food”

Down Downs –

Visitors – Testicles/Shredder/Michael

Botcho/Flasher for excessive emails regarding the upcoming appearance of Flasher on the hot seat (16.55hrs 11th July 2012)

Cum Smoke – ridiculous shoes (again)

Missing Link was invited into the circle and told a story about shopping in Bali, then informed us that Cum Smoke had made him redundant by selling a mowing round. This combined with the girls shoes, gave Two Dogs no choice but to award Cum Smoke with POW.

Blackie addressed the circle and informed all, that once we are back to 30 runners the food budget will be upped to $120, until then it will remain at $100 with receipts supplied or $50 with no receipts – you have been warned.

Next weeks run – Rainbow – bring a buddy night @ Helensvale Tavern (could be a few struggling with that theme)

Circle concluded in his own inimitable fashion by Moonbeams.

Thanks to both Josephine and Sir Rabbit, a lot of time and effort put in behind the scenes.

On On

Rectum
On Sec

Run 1807

Date : 18th June 2012
Hare : Jigsaw
Venue : Kawana Crescent, Ashmore
Runners 18

Weeks to AGPU – too many

18 hardened Hashers gathered at the rear of Ashmore Steak and Seafood (bodes well for the food) on what was truly a winters evening; it was almost impossible to hear the hare, Jigsaw issuing instructions due to the noise of chattering teeth. Circumference got the proceedings under way with a cry of “Lets go before we all freeze to death”.

No one argued this point and we set forth from the first prominently displayed arrow. It took quite some time and effort to find the second and third as the chalk budget must have been blown out on last weeks run. On the positive side, the lead changed frequently as more people became lost.

We eventually emerged onto Archerfield Speedway or Ashmore Road and most waited to see which way the Hare’s mountain bike pointed before continuing up Harper Street. FRB Rectum searched in vain for more arrows and had to be called back several times.

After crossing Southport Nerang road, we meandered between footpaths, roads and grass before arriving back in our original location. The trail home must have been set with a myriad of options, as everyone seemed to finish from different positions!

Under many layers of clothing, we were served an entre of pea and ham soup, followed by marinated chicken breasts, fried banana (yes I said banana) pineapple and coriander salsa and rice with (kidney beans?). All topped off with fruit salad and home made custard.

Circle was called by RA and stand-in GM Circumference, who turned the running order on its head and POW was called first. As you may recall, POW Flasher was out of the country, upsetting Asia on our behalf, so proxy POW Botcho took to the floor. After abridging the note left by Flasher he handed the POW to Two Dogs for self-serving Hash notes. Two dogs served himself a Down Down as stand-in booze master.

The RA announced a new award, after thanking Rectum for the great job on last weeks Hash words, he handed Rectum the Farkhorf award. This was apparently an acronym for –
For
Alltosee
Rectums
Klangerin the
Hall
Of
Retrograded
Fame

Which was explained, is given for pissing off two Hashers last week. (I think)

Jigsaw was invited into the circle and a critique requested of the run from Josephine. Enjoying a return to the spotlight, Josephine questioned whether the hare knew where he was, alleged a debacle of a run with dodgy markings and no checks to return to after false trails. Rather surprisingly he scored it a 7.5/10 (please explain)

Blue Card was a reluctant food critic but was wise enough not to take advice from Pizza. His comments of “Nothing better than pea and ham soup on a cold winter night” said it all. 7.25/10

Cum Smoke was ushered into the circle to display the HHH show-bag, which will be available from the EKKA this year. The contents were

Literature – for a lack of spine
Literature – for erectile dysfunction – for all the soft c@#ks
Tea Cup – for the storm
Vaginal wash and tampons – for the pussies
A smiley face – for the lack of sense of humour
Strong as nails – so hashers could harden the f@ck up
Spare dummies – for the spits

Down Downs –

Michael – (Cum Smokes visitor (and employer))
Head Job – birthday boy
Now Loved and Blue Card – Leading Pizza astray at the pub

Future Down Down –

Crocodile – for fighting with a vanity at 2am and losing. No alcohol involved
(yeah right)

Next Weeks run – Josephine @ Ashmore

Thanks to Jigsaw, a lot of effort put into the food and Two Dogs for standing in for Croc.

Finally a closing note from me, what a week of controversy, so lets end it with an apology. A blanket apology in fact, SORRY……….. to all you hashers that I am going to offend this year. Remember, there is no malice in the Harsh Words just humour. If I write about you, its not because I hate you, its because I love you.

Well not you Caustic (see, I just did it again) stop typing Caustic it was a joke.

On On
Rectum
On Sec

Run: 1802
Date: Monday 14th May 2012
Hare: Bent Banana
Venue: Carrara – Sewerage Memorial Run
Runners: 31 + 1

Weeks to AGPU: 3!!!!!!!!!! (Yes only three weeks)
HURRAY NOMINATIONS CLOSING SOON FOR HIERARCHY POSITIONS

DON’T MISS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO PUT YOUR SNOUT IN THE TROUGH!!

31 eager runners showed at the graveyard site for the start of the run.

Bent Banana changed the tradition a little by starting the run here so that the now aging and somewhat “precious” group wouldn’t get too cold standing around in the sub zero temperatures awaiting the inevitable back markers. Smart thinking in fact, it’s a wonder it took us nearly 20 years to work this one out.

Standing around the site many were walking around gazing, wondering and pondering, “would I be next”, “should I book some space now”, “why the f.ck am I standing in a graveyard on a cold and windy Monday night”? Miscarriage had even brought his daughter to view the strange annual graveyard migration of the Hash.

Bent Banana finally gave us the brief to head off into the dark cold night for a quick and flat 30 minute run. We ventured north across the main road towards the Nerang railway station. We then wound around to the left and followed the road around which ended up just being a loop, allowing the trailing party to catch up and pass the front runners. Through the station to the bemused look of the patrons and station workers we continued. To the right was the check back as the pack then wondered aimlessly now trying to find the trail

. On left was called as we ventured towards the overpass. I tried cutting across the car park to catch up with the pack but was caught having to traverse a rather large wire fence.

On under the overpass we went and past the familiar sports club from run’s gone by. The arrows on the well-marked trail were even big enough for Blacky to have now taken the lead.

We then looped around the sports ground before finally ending up at the check at the rail overpass. A few ran for the road with others across the fields but finally we found the trail along the drain.

We crossed the drain and headed across the paddocks back towards the rail line before heading north again towards the graveyard in the distance. Some shiggy started to interfere with those wanting to short cut and I believe Botcho’s shoe was gobbled up in some mud crossing. The run brought the runners and walkers together as we climbed the final leg home and readied ourselves for the evening’s ritual.

Around the site of Sewerage’s resting place the port was handed around as Sir Prince gave his usual rousing speech honouring those who have departed. Many a good story followed particularly those of tonight’s host, Sewerage. As per usual Sir Rabbit concluded the evening service with his well-crafted composition honouring Sewerage and the other dearly departed.

It was then back to the cars for the quick trip to Bent Banana’s “Graceland” abode to finish the evening off in style. As usual Bent Banana had excelled and started the feast with gourmet pies, followed by an A Grade curry with an especially hot chilli sauce. This was then complimented by ice cream and fruit.

The GM called the circle and announced the top 10 Country and Western songs of the year. The run was given an 8/10 by Rectum saying he enjoyed it and the food got an 8/10 because no one else did and I thought it had at least deserved that.

It was noted that quite a few Hashers were departing overseas, many allegedly to Interhash. But we know many were also just trying to avoid their impending places on the new Hierarchy. But they needn’t worry as just being absent at the AGPU does not disqualify you from being chosen. Thanks again Bent Banana for another first rate evening.

Down Downs:
Bent Banana: Hare

Ross: Now called Hard On, something to do with his hearing and his surname

Cumsmoke: Being in close proximity to run last week but failing to attend (better offer)

Miscarriage: Failed to sing

Show Pony & Flasher: “Boot open incident” at last week’s run

Swindler: Not singing

Sir Slab, Sir Prince, GM, Jigsaw, Bent Banana, Miscarriage: On tour troop

Hard On: Not paying attention

Miscarriage: Frivolous charge attempt on Cumsmoke

Sir Cumference: Tardiness in advising outcome and our share of pending settlement claim

Hard On: (POW by Rectum) Lack of appreciation of new name

____________________________________________________________________
On On from “The Desk”
Two Dogs

Run: 1800
Date: Monday 30th April 2012
Hare: Hierarchy 1800th Special Event
Venue: Budd’s Beach & Surfers
Runners: 42

Weeks to AGPU: 5
PLEASE NOTE NOMINATIONS ARE POURING IN FOR HIERARCHY POSITIONS;
DON’T MISS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO PUT YOUR SNOUT IN THE TROUGH!!

What makes a person want to get involved in these things? I suppose the fact we had no choice in the matter would be a good place to start. I mean, let’s start with standing in Woollies for 30 minutes watching and waiting for 22 chooks to get drawn and quartered.

This was then followed by the episode of dragging an electronically (wheels) locked shopping trolley loaded with the above mentioned chooks and 3 kilos of coleslaw down the Gold Coast Highway. Then we have the emergency run to Aldi to get the dessert ice creams and extra booze. But I guess, in the end, nothing is better than seeing a meticulously planned event fall into place!

Such is the happenings at the Hierarchy’s 1800th run. The event which was supposed to begin at 6pm saw most arriving early at 5:30pm to Budd’s Beach, opposite the GM’s palatial Beach Retreat.

The 42 soles arrived to collect their signature bright red vests before tucking into the fine array of beers including birthday drinks provided by yours truly and Testicles (I think), thanks for that.
The pre run nibbles were of the usual high quality one could expect. At 6:40pm sharp the GM called the rabble to order and announced that Pizza, Veteran, Now Loved (for parking in the GM’s driveway) & another, who’s name escapes my fading brain cells, would be charged with pushing the earlier acquired shopping trolley, packed with tonight’s feast, to the run’s departure point.

The “A to B” 1800th run was soon underway with the trolley boys leading the way. It didn’t take long for the casual pack to stretch out as we approached Chevron island Bridge. The pack regrouped as the trail then headed over the lights and towards the Titanium Bar, a possible drink stop venue many thought.

No, as the meandering and now confused pack searched for more signs. Despite my calls (totally ignored) the pack continued south along the Highway but was soon suckered into the well construed false trail. All apart from Show Pony and a few others who had picked up on some early Intel on where we might be heading, on a cruise. Finally after some hurried cries of “On Back” the pack arrived at the docks.

After loading we were soon underway on the pleasant autumn evening with many choosing the upstairs deck for the pre diner drinks. As usual the waitresses were “outstanding” and the service of the highest order, with no Gossips in sight. The first quest of the evening was to see who could spot any extracurricular, after dinner, activities being played out at the many well lit palatial abodes we passed on our cruise.

Dinner was soon called and the line-up ensured with Black Stump having to take control of the unruly mob, so much so that I think he missed out on his serve of gourmet coleslaw, which accompanied the more ample feast of Woollies high grade free range chooks. Of course being a Hierarchy event the run and food automatically scored the highest possible 10/10 marks. Before things deteriorated too much, (too late to my thinking), the GM called the circle to order and asked Sir Prince Valiant to take hold of proceedings.

Sir Prince was present at run number #1 and gave us an account of that evening where he, Geoff Lewis, Terry Morrow and others formed the Gold Coast Hash on virtually the same night some 34 years ago and 1800 runs later. Sir Prince gave us a candid and humorous overview of some of his more memorable events, which is better than my memory of what he said last night. Following his rousing speech the GM presented Sir Prince with his Milestone award shirt for 1400 runs.

Other awards, some belated, included 1100 runs for Sir AH, 1000 runs for Sir Point Two (collected by the RA on his behalf), 800 runs for Botulism and Ferret (Shit! the Bastards are catching me!), 500 runs for Bent Banana and Moonbeams, 200 runs for Rock Hard, and 100 runs for Kitchen Bitch, Arse Up and Jigsaw. The awards were tastefully and thankfully presented by the night’s special event guests.

A couple of Down Downs were presented by the RA (I think) including Miscarriage for yet another failed election campaign with suggestions that maybe an earlier start, some campaign funding, an actual marketing plan of sorts, less rain, and utilising his campaign manager, Sir Point Two would assist should he ever be so stupid as to consider making another attempt.

Rectum was again put on notice re the missing pots saga amidst his continued denial of any involvement. Of course the Hierarchy were not left out and the snouts were soon back in the trough with all receiving their Committee shirts.

The two hour cruise soon wound to a conclusion and the pack wandered off into the night with some wisely departing for home and a few usual suspects not so wise, more to report at a later date no doubt.

I don’t think it has been since the Nash Hash in ’99 that we have attempted a boat trip so many thanks to Shat and fellow Hierarchy helpers for making the evening happen. Thanks to all for participating in another fun event and thanks to our “outstanding” helpers and staff on the night for serving up a great 1800th Run.

On On from “The Desk”
Two Dogs