Hash Bike Ride
Date : 26th August 2012
Hare : Sir Slab
Venue : murwillumbah
When Lance Armstrong ( the guy who has imbibed more blood than Count Dracula) said the words “It’s not about the bike” I don’t think he was referring to his loose girlfriend more so the cycle and accessories that some people surround themselves with.
Imagine my surprise therefore, on arriving at the venue, a picture postcard perfect location, to beautiful sunshine and cool air temperature, at seeing a group of try-hards dressed in lycra with the latest carbon fibre bikes looking as though it was a warm-up event for the Tour De France.
My off-the-shelf mountain bike was looking decidedly second hand alongside these mighty steeds.
The only thing missing was a starters pistol as we set off, with Caustic surging to the front of the peloton. Flasher and I took a more leisurely pace and watched as the rest disappeared into the distance.
Quite some time later we arrived at the en-route hostelry with the lead group having already downed their first coffee.
I was shocked to hear that on the first hill ascent only two managed to stay on the pedals and cycle up the hill, everyone else walked. YES WALKED, in their lycra and clippy cloppy special shoes pushing their ultra expensive bikes. Mr. Armstrong you were indeed prophetic.
Caustic crusader was reported to have sounded like an asthmatic Darth Vader and unable to speak .
The food arrived in a rather hap hazard fashion but my eggs benedict was delicious, if you’re out this way (tyalgum) stop and have a nose bag.
Once sated we commenced the journey home (It’s a lot easier on the way back- Sir Slab) (No it’s not – Shat) which was a very agreeable jaunt.
Those feeling up to it re-adjourned to the pub at Tumblegum (its how it sounds to me) and procrastinated over a beer or two.
To those of you who failed to attend, you missed a cracking day, an enjoyable ride, a great breaky with a cold ale to quaff at the death.
Great effort Sir Slab, you have redeemed yourself after the boring run on Monday, we need to do this more often.
Hi Hashers, First of all let me apologise for the words being so late this week, I had to negotiate with the Hash Cash for a better rate of pay. Up to now I have been working for fu#k all.
Run 1816
Date : 20th August 2012
Hare : Sir Slab, Sir Prince Valiant
Venue : AFL Club, Robina
Runners Shitloads (35 ish)
Weeks to lasagne – 1
The venue, a little hard to find for some, that’s you Flasher, was supposed to be empty of the junior AFL players so that we could make use of the car parking facilities. Indeed, the juniors had finished, however the seniors were present instead. A little tight in the car park then.
I had arrived with the following words from an experienced hasher “If you haven’t done a Slab run you’re in for a treat. He knows all the bush.” I was hoping this was a reference to parkland and not a seedy side to Sir Slab.
Consequently I was eagerly anticipating the run, as it seemed, was the huge numbers who had also turned up.
Sir Slab got us under way on what was a large circuitous route through the back streets and pathways of the local houses and commercial estates. The trail was well marked throughout, though light on checks and false trails. Unfortunately it been over hyped to me and involved virtually no bush/chiggy/green stuff so by the last check I had lost interest and headed back to the AFL ground which was 100 metres away.
I arrived back to a scene somewhat akin to a master chef show, Sir Prince Valiant had a cast of thousands peeling, chopping and stirring. Looking at the quantity of raw materials, I had grave reservations that the food would be ready on time. Would we be in line for another Cum Smoke and the spit roast debarcle?
Entrees of spring rolls and dim sims were served in vast quantities by the over- eager to please Ferret (brown nosing to avoid the German punishment). I couldn’t spot the smoko van anywhere.
After an ‘I would have left the restaurant by know’ wait, the mains were proffered. Chicken and vegetable Thai curry in abundance, it was worth the wait, delicious.
Could a dessert top this meal? Apparently not – there wasn’t one, Sir Prince is only allowed to use certain rooms in the house when he has permission from the princess.
The Circle whistle was tooted and the Hare (and birthday boy) brought out
Black Stump, who hadn’t had a run for a while (or a sh%t for that matter – Caustic) was asked for comment.
A run so good he did both halves (intended walking half) too much chalk -over budget – and never more than a Km from home 8/10
Dicky Knee and Shat combined for the walk report – brilliant, good choice of alleyways 4/10 (readjusted to 8/10)
Botcho, the olive maestro, was again asked for the food report, excellent entrée, mains nice, no bananas 8/10
Letter from the AFP sent to GM re Nazi sympathizers read to circle.
RA then brought out the ‘Turncoat B#ast$rds”, Flasher, Sir Slab, Shat and Ferret and gassed them on top of a microwave oven. Let off far too lightly in my opinion.
DD – Flasher refusing Sgt Shultz (dicky Knee) a lift down
– Show pony for having facial cancer?
– Caustic for the above nomination
– Flasher, lame charge
– Ferret, ingratiating behavior with the entrees
P.O.W. Cum Smoke, thinking he was still on a barrister’s hourly rate, high jacked the circle for far too long before handing the trophy to Truck Tyres.
Hashy birthday to Sir Slab who provided Crownies and Show Pony who didn’t
Croc honoured for 200 runs
Next weeks run Old Fart @ Pacific Pines
31st August, splinter lunch at Broadbeach
The usual thanks to Sir Slab and Sir Prince for a memorable evening.
On On
Rectum
On Sec
Most of the above may be untrue.
Foot note – Mumbles is still alive, he hared the Thursday hash run in Nerang and it was very good, reckons he’ll be back after he gets over the flu.
Run 1815
Date : 13th August 2012
Hare : Moonbeams
Venue : Cascade Gardens, Surfers Paradise
Runners 21
Weeks to Cocktail night – 16
This is the second attempt as the Mac just deleted everything. Apple is not everything its cracked up to be.
A depleted pack gathered at the venue (see why later) and were informed by the Hare – Moonbeams that an incentive of grog vouchers had been secreted onto the trail and could be redeemed at the eating establishment.
Consequently the pack left with some vigour and a degree of urgency, onto the track at the rear of the car park eventually coming to what looked like a definite dead-end in the middle of a canal, which is exactly what it was. Only the GM, RA and myself went full distance and received wet feet as a thank you. My discomfort was relieved somewhat as I heard Moonbeams fall off his bike (for the first time) Karma is a bitch.
We skirted the canal until crossing over at Enderley Avenue and then traversed the estates between Rio Vista and the water. Checks were a plenty, false trails unmarked and on arrows miles apart. Non-the less everything was run down in the search for the elusive vouchers.
The lead runners changed frequently as more people became lost and some gave up and headed home. Both Josephine and Sir Prince made a good front running appearance.
The three of us met up at the drink stop and indulged in a rather fine drop of tawny port (from a casket no less) served by mien host Carefree. We waited for a regroup, but with the exception of Swindler and Blue Card everyone else had either retired or missed the drinks stop entirely.
With Moonbeams in tow we all set off down TE Peters, over the bridge and on home up the highway.
After a small refreshment stop, we adjourned to the 1st Avenue tavern for nourishment.
Most opted for the daily ‘special’ – Beef stroganoff. For special read ‘ordinary’ and for Beef stroganoff read mushroom stroganoff with an onion chaser. Jenny Craig had obviously sponsored the meal. Those of us who had opted to go upmarket ended up with an adult sized portion with loads of chips (which were handed out to those who had chosen unwisely).
The circle was got underway by the GM who commented that the hare had been saved from an icing (over by 17 mins) due to the free beers. Caustic commented he had been unable to find the trail prompting the question “didn’t it go as far as the Darcy Arms?”
Making full use of the opportunity, Caustic explained how he had been much maligned after the last splinter lunch, that it wasn’t a dummy spit, he just went home to watch the rugby. You seem to forget I was there (laughing if I remember correctly). Caustic then advised us he had warned Cum smoke not to attend as there was a threatened slap due to the non-apology. This of course led to calls for Caustic to make up for lost revenue.
Rug gave the walk report – very lonely/dispute over checks/distance between arrows, which in turn led to a verbal dispute with Moonbeams
Croc interjected that Moonbeams was the first to complain that “we never go anywhere new” yet here we were back at Cascade Gardens. Once again Moonbeams took exception. The circle was becoming increasingly aggressive.
Kitchen Bitch asked how the hare was able to provide such food for the money, describing the non-existent entrée and desserts as delicious but mains lacking 4.5/10
Josephine as one of the three who actually completed the whole run scored it a 7.8/10 (strangely enough just less than his own run scored)
Returners – Phantom/Arse up both pissed off before the food, maybe they had eaten the special previously.
RA took to the floor and invited Kwakka (or Quaker if you were the waitress) to update us on his European tour. Kwakka name-dropped his whole itinerary before declaring the highlight as saying goodbye to Shat.
DD to Carefree for refusing a lift home to Swindler and Blue Card the only walkers to make the drinks stop
We were then treated to a trio of gynecologist’s jokes finishing with two from the RA. A self imposed DD ensued as the RA’s offerings were below par.
No POW (apparently too scared of Caustic) leaving Moonbeams to remark “but you used to be his Bum Boy” apparently the bro-mance is over.
Who would have thought that Nazi sympathizers would still be evident in 2012. Well its true, Sir Slab, Flasher, Shat and others (in future to be referred to as ‘the Turncoat Bastards’) left the exalted fold of our Monday Night Hash to attend a Nazi party up Brissy way. What some people will do to dress up. I have spoken with the party organizer Adolph von Layup, he informs me that as a result of the run Flasher will now be known as ‘Kurze Schneide’. This is German for short cutter.
The pack voiced its displeasure at the non-attendance.
The Culprits.
Dates of note –
22nd August Red Dress run for the Cambodian kid at 6.30pm. Lets get some good numbers so we can show the wed/thurs hash tossers what running (and more importantly drinking) is all about. Oh and raise some money for charity.
26th August Sir Slab bike ride (German parties permitting)
8th September – Mudder at Woodford if you’re hard enough and still own a set (see Cum Smoke or myself)
24th September October Fest at Pizzas (don’t worry he’s not doing the food or the run)
Mid November – Sunday family bike ride at Varsity lakes
1st December – Cocktail Party, details to follow
New Years Eve – possible function
Next weeks run Sir Slab @ Robina football club (near Dog and Parrot) (German Parties permitting)
A big hand to Moonbeams for a champion effort when he was a little under the weather.
Run 1814
Date : 6th August 2012
Hare : Flatulence
Venue : The Esplanade, Paradise Point
Runners 32 (yes 32)
Weeks to next Paradise Point run – about 3 (its taking over from Len Fox)
Numbers were almost as strong as the feeling of De ja Vu at the venue, 32 specimens in the prime of life gathered with the back drop of Ephraim Island. (looks like a giant house boat at night).
Once again personal commitments meant I was unable to complete the run, so the following account was obtained from those who had.
The pack set off from the venue in the direction of Sovereign Island and several got lost at a confusing first check, the route looped around sending all towards the sports club near runaway bay before returning home.
Quotes were – “Not many runners”
“Too long” (11k)
“Too straight”
“missing arrows at the sports field”
“Pretty boring”
So when you take out the perennial Hash whiners, it was a pretty normal run then.
On arrival Cum Smoke and I were set the task of eating a very large bowl of dipping chips which we almost completed without assistance, fortunately there were top-ups for those who had mistakenly chosen to run.
Food was served and had obviously been sponsored by the United Nations, potatoes (Russia) Chilli (Mexico) Spaghetti (Italy) Strudel (Denmark). That said it was hot and tasty and in abundance.
Circle called and Flatulence brought out.
Veteran was asked to comment on Flasher, who rather surprisingly, had not short cut (as much as normal) this run. Despite Veterans protestations no one believed a word of it. Especially Ossie who decided to do the trail by car so he could find the venue (?) and who witnessed Flasher again not on trail but claiming to be.
Truck Tyres gave comment on the run “Lost whole course” (7.5) prompting moonbeams to question why he had been selected to comment.
Rock Hard, back from walkabout, stated about the food “I’m not sure what it was, but it was very good 8/10”
Visitors – Little Hun (from Sydney)
Jerry (from Holland)
Rick (from Show Pony’s family)
Returners – Rug (UK)
Rock Hard (Perth)
Flatulence (Port somewhere)
The RA opened with a poem about farting, which wasn’t up to the standard of Sir Prince’s Indonesian story last week nor up to the quality of the very loud fart Sir Prince perpetrated at the end of the poem. DD for his efforts (and an underwear check later)
There was then a dementia half hour of half forgotten, badly told jokes.
POW – Ferret, who was still sulking over last weeks award, gave the blow-up doll to Veteran then passed the Prick to Cum Smoke for sheer gluttony over the dipping chips incident (You didn’t deserve that) taking it on the chin, Cum Smoke nicely downed the yard glass.
Veteran was invited out after completing 100 runs but without any award (to follow)(don’t get your hopes up, remember the GM saying very few hand outs this year)
Excel Pet unable to attend but sends his regards (I did cook breakfast for him last Saturday morning but that’s another story) (No rule #1 infringement honest)
Mumbles back from wherever and should be making an appearance soon. Same story for Pizza who we haven’t seen (or Heard) for a while.
Red dress run soon, check your emails and also Thirsty Thursday doing a fundraiser at Broadbeach this Thursday so try to make an effort and support it please.
Link, VD and Bouncer currently consuming their body weight in red wine at Ayres Rock. (beats the locals favourite tipple – unleaded)
DD for Moonbeams for assuming that everyone knows where next weeks run venue is. Its Cascade Gardens, Surfers, so remember no valuables to be left in your car.
Thanks to Flatulence for returning from Hols, setting the run and cooking with no outside help, makes a change from you weak b#st@rds who need some holding your hands.
