Run 1811
Date : 16th July 2012
Hare : Gavin (assisted by Two Dogs)
Venue : The Esplanade, Paradise Point
Runners 23

Weeks to Blackie not having to piss in a bag – 1

With a view overlooking LEGOLAND or Ephraim Island, as it is known to locals, an eager group of runners assembled, hoping that there would be a run this week (not public transport).

Indeed there was and after the obligatory instructions, which seem to differ each week despite every hare quoting “international markings apply” we were off and running. The route took us south and wove through the back streets of Hollywell before entering the bush stage.

Checks were aplenty and I seemed to pick every false trail. We emerged at the northern end of Coombabah and then past Paradise Lake. The checks kept coming, so in the main, the pack was kept together. Some good front running appearances by Josephine, Veteran and Michael.

Back at the venue, it was clear that the site had been well prepared with windbreaks and a gas heater, the only question was – how on the Gold Coast did he find a working BBQ complete with a working light? Clearly this was the affluent end of the coast.

A pleasant hubbub of conversation could be heard as the entre was prepared, no shouting or swearing was apparent so Caustic, Cum Smoke and Pizza were absent.

For starters Gavin served us, ‘gourmet ‘ snags (lamb and rosemary or Mexican) they still smelled like the charity sh@t you get outside Bunnings to me, so I opted for an onion sandwich.

The main course was home made burgers, which were very tasty.

NO DESSERT (Points off for that faux pas)

Circle was commenced by the GM who was feeling a little unwell, no one offered a cuddle; it’s tough at the top.

Two Dogs was ushered into the circle and Josephine enthused how it was a well marked and quality run, just slightly inferior to his own so 7.6/10. Phantom stated it was the best walk he has done in a long time (there was a bar on the route)

Botcho gave comment on the food, chilli sausages too spicy, no dessert, basic food, either tasty burgers too small or rolls too big. (a bit like trying to find a two dollar coin in a large pocket) 7and a bit (7.1/10).

DD to – Hare – Two Dogs
– Visitors – Gavin + john (Swindler’s mate from Sydney)
– Returners – Phantom (ill), Head Job (bad knee)

RA’s business –
DD to – Flasher (of Hot Seat fame)
– Michael (wearing pimps hat)
– Two Dogs and Gavin who will be representing Australia in the upcoming Origami championships in Canada. Specialties are the frog base and the lotus petal.
– Phantom – sitting down during circle

Flasher was awarded a bottle of gossips by the GM for knowing far too much about gays.

POW being held over, probably due to paragraph 5.

Next weeks run Shat@? (assuming he can extricate himself from France)

Couple of very funny Pet Shop jokes to finish, which I could repeat, but you should be at the run.

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Some of the above may be untrue.
The”Gun”

Run 1810
Date : 9th July 2012
Hare : Mademoiselle Latrine
Venue : Len Fox park, Labrador
Runners 24

Weeks to Crocodiles birthday – 19
Weeks to Crocodile buying the crownies – 23

The start was questionable; instructions had been given which were akin to the food ordering at Helensvale the week before, who knew what was going to happen.

I am reliably informed by various hashers that the run commenced with a bus ride to Runaway Bay shopping centre, despite Latrine’s assertions that short cutting would be impossible, several hashers got off the bus early and proceeded direct to the drinks stop.

The rest continued on, disembarked and ran back to the drink stop using Translink signs instead of arrows. A healthy bar tab had been lodged and was utilized. All made their way home to Len Fox Park.

Unfortunately I was late due distraction by the ‘W’ word, no Flasher, not that ‘W’ word the one most of you have not been acquainted with for some time, I am of course referring to WORK.

I viewed the aperitif with some disbelief, a few walnuts scattered amongst various lettuce leaves. Apparently I had just missed the cheese and cold meat platter.

The starter arrived, what was it? Something in breadcrumbs, Cum Smoke suggested chicken bi-product but this had never even seen a chicken never mind originated at one.

Just when all appeared to be lost, the mains arrived; one for wine drinkers and one for the ale heads. These consisted of Texas slow cooked chilli con carne and rice or a German smorgasbord of kartoffel, sauerkraut and leg of pork. Topped off with a cinnamon laced fresh fruit salad. In the words of dumb and dumber, Latrine you totally redeemed yourself.

Again, I repeat, this is why we call ourselves the Gourmet Hash.

Circle was convened, the Hare invited out and the terminal food critic that is Ferret, was offered the opportunity to comment. Amid much agreement the food was lauded and scored 9.9/10. (A lot of effort and expense by the Hare)

Miscarriage gave the run report, stating it was well conducted, though no conductor on the bus, Ferret had led the breakaway movement (short cutting b@st*rds), the beer shouted at the grand was a nice touch before the long sprint home. 7.5/10 due to the variation factor. DD for the hare.

Returning runners – Sir Prince Valiant/Latrine/VD. Sir Prince presented a mask of Her Majesty Queen Elisabeth 11 (god bless her) to the GM as she was someone of his age. (and financial standing)

Visitors – Magician from Saigon, has been working on a project for two years without even turning a shovel, slowest DD in the history of mankind. Don’t ever award him POW, we’ll never get home.

The RA took to the floor, and despite strenuous protests by Sir Prince, issued a DD from new shoes. Ozzie was awarded a DD for bringing his own crownie, arriving late then nearly destroying the ugliest trophy ever made. Iceman ventured back out to finish the joke he c@ck%d up two weeks ago. (wasn’t really worth waiting for). DD Miscarriage for farting in circle, DD Latrine for putting sh*t on the GM and shaving cream on his face – better food and cabaret than the local RSL.

POW – Cum Smoke, relishing his place in the spotlight, proceeded to call out nearly everyone then sent them back, except for Veteran for his failure to use a complimentary voucher.

DD for Blackie, birthday boy, joined by Latrine who’s DD was emptied faster than Miscarriage’s bowels (read back a bit).

News – Flasher may be back from overseas early, as he has run out of porn money, sorry that should read prawn money.

Next weeks run – Two Dogs (no dessert warning) @ Paradise Point

Cum Smoke reports his trivia night was a resounding success, in 3rd place was Cum Smoke (we were expecting better as he set the questions) 2nd was Gary Davis the scout hall caretaker who came too early to lock up and 1st was Craig Jones who entered by mistake, thinking it was a soup kitchen.

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Some of the above may be untrue.

Run 1809
Date : 2nd July 2012
Hare : Rainbow
Venue : Helensvale Tavern, Helensvale
Runners 35

Weeks to next Gold Coast half marathon – 51

A healthy head count was apparent prior to start, was this due to the fact that the word ‘Tavern’ was in the venue title? (highly likely)

The Hare; Rainbow, gave us the usual spiel including a total distance of 5.7 km (my arse it was) up to 7.7 if you took the false trails.

The pack ran through the drive-in of Red Rooter, round the back of Old Helensvale shopping centre, before crossing the highway and onto the car park of the new Helensvale shopping centre. The trail ran cold at the check by the M1 overpass and it was sometime, before on was called in the direction of Pacific Pines.

Alas it was the start of the false trails and of course it prompted a large group to secret themselves until the appearance of Veteran.

Back to the check, another false trail then into the industrial estate before emerging out by the side of the New Helensvale shopping centre, down another false trail to the golf course then along the station by the side of the shopping centre. Had we actually gone anywhere???

The trail led back across the highway and past the venue – note to Hares – if you want at least half of the pack to stop half way, then run the trail past the venue – The hardened runners continued alongside the shopping centre (still) then onto a pathway which ran parallel to Discovery Drive.

I must remember to ring the RSPCA because it sounded as though someone is keeping a grizzly bear in their back garden, change of underwear required.

More false trails, bit of chiggy and parkland. Two Dogs and I split at a check, I found two arrows I assumed as a hard on but they turned out to be the end of a false trail, by the time I reached the next check I had lost the trail, lost interest and was quickly losing the will to live.

Fortunately the bright lights of Helensvale Tavern could be seen in the distance and they beckoned me back home.

Circle was convened quickly and the Hare called out. Rainbow explained he had retired and is about to commence a motor home tour of the country with his better half – Babbling Brook. He was wished well on his travels with a DD

Returning runners – Nasty/Miscarriage/Veteran/Rock Hard were invited out and asked for an update as to their recent whereabouts. Saving us from unnecessary boredom, Moonbeams managed to over-talk them all and move proceedings forwards

Miscarriage scored the run 7/10, complained about the style of arrows and described the highlight as the elation shown by Veteran at the hashers hiding at the on back.

Veteran was given a DD for his work on last year’s hierarchy.

Miscarriage made some unintelligible remarks about extra fabric in his tracksuit

Sir Rabbit, Ferret (proxy for Shredder) and Rectum were brought out for taking part in the Half Marathon, the highlight of which was the young ladies by KFC in mumble pants. This term was explained to Cum Smoke who has obviously had a sheltered upbringing.

DD for Ozzie for his part in the hiding group.

POW to be held over for next week by order of the GM

DD for Josephine ( a popular choice this year) for questioning the number of testicles held by the GM and comparing him to Adolf Hitler.

Correspondence was sent in by Shat, updating us on the trio of globetrotters that are himself, Prince Valiant and Sir Slab (described as a try hard for not hiring an electric bike)

Next weeks run – Latrine @ Dan Murphy’s (to be confirmed)

Circle concluded, Rainbow explained that if two hashers bought drinks at the same time, then one free meal was available if it contained rice, unless one of the drinks was wine then the second meal had to be chicken. (that’s how it sounded to me)

Inside the tavern it was in fact half price meals, which were excellent overall.

Thanks to Rainbow and good luck, you will need it (24hrs a day with a back seat driver!).

I was asked to give mention to the generous gift of hash shirts by Nasty to some of the newer members, on the down side none of them fit, but on the positive side they make excellent drop sheets for large pieces of furniture such as sofas, double beds etc.

Finally, the resident double agent – Cum Smoke – would like you all to be aware that Wednesday night’s mixed hash (you remember the one that calls us gay) is holding a trivia night on Friday at 7pm to celebrate their 1700th run. This means they have clocked up almost 10 kms to date. The venue is NERANG SCOUT HALL as the Versace was booked, prizes are a surprise (for that read non-existent) and Cum Smoke had no idea of the entry fee. To test your mental acuity a couple of examples were provided –

1. Name two colours
2. If a sandwich costs $5 and I give a $10 note to the vendor, how much change will I receive?

Good luck

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Some of the above may be untrue.

Run 1808
Date : 25th June 2012
Hare : Josephine
Venue : Sports field, Currumburra Road, Ashmore
Runners 27

Weeks to July– one

Cloud cover – thank god, we were not to be exposed to the ridiculously low temperature of last weeks run. Numbers were up to 27 this week, eagerly anticipating the return of the new GM; Bent Banana. Faces showed traces of concern as hashers recalled Josephine’s burgers on runs past.

The keen runners shouted for a time check as the clock ticked over to 6.15 so without further ado, the GM called off.

Down the back of the grandstand, which wasn’t really grand, to the first of numerous checks, numerous false trails and numerous on backs. The markings were clear and well placed, it was apparent that this was an experienced hare.

We emerged at the rear of Von Bibra on Southport Nerang Road and the pack split at the check, they were reunited on the opposite side of the road and led into bush, through an industrial estate, across more roads and into the bush again. The checks were still evident and kept most of the pack together.

As we ran along a dirt track, the trail dried up but was re-discovered taking us through some chiggy. On back was called to the lead group, Two Dogs, Flasher, Botcho and Blackie, though they appeared to be suffering from selective deafness and continued to cut off a healthy chunk of the trail.

We were re-united with the lead group opposite Bunnings on Olsen Avenue where once again the trail had to be unearthed after a cleverly misleading check.
Showing complete disrespect for the efforts for the Hare, Flasher and Botcho made their own trail home, whilst the rest of us continued through the catholic estate re-emerging onto Southport Nerang Road and on home.

A very good run was suddenly enhanced by the image of Sir Rabbit preparing the food. This turned out to be a lamb and yam vindaloo dopiaza (double onions I am informed) accompanied with a slice of raisin toast pretending to be a peshwari naan! T A truly pukka curry; this is why we are called the gourmet hash.

Circle was called by the GM who, with Josephine as a private audience, launched into an extensive introduction outlining his likes, dislikes, two future gifts – a Pizza plug and a Caustic curse???

Josephine was identified as the person solely responsible for the selection of the new GM and jnformed that ANY criticism of the GM over the next year would result in a Down Down for Josephine.
Once the shock had registered, Josephine took his DD and was then recalled for another with other members of last years Hierarchy. Thanks were expressed for all their efforts last year and then the new Hierarchy “Banana’s Bunch” were welcomed. Once again Rectum was singled out for praise with the Harsh words.
(keep this up and I will be unconstitutionally keeping the position next year)

That done, the hare Josephine was called out (notice the recurring theme) for another DD. Botcho remarked that the run was excellent and well marked, a score of 8/10 was awarded.

Sir Rabbit was similarly awarded 8/10 by Flasher for the “good food”

Down Downs –

Visitors – Testicles/Shredder/Michael

Botcho/Flasher for excessive emails regarding the upcoming appearance of Flasher on the hot seat (16.55hrs 11th July 2012)

Cum Smoke – ridiculous shoes (again)

Missing Link was invited into the circle and told a story about shopping in Bali, then informed us that Cum Smoke had made him redundant by selling a mowing round. This combined with the girls shoes, gave Two Dogs no choice but to award Cum Smoke with POW.

Blackie addressed the circle and informed all, that once we are back to 30 runners the food budget will be upped to $120, until then it will remain at $100 with receipts supplied or $50 with no receipts – you have been warned.

Next weeks run – Rainbow – bring a buddy night @ Helensvale Tavern (could be a few struggling with that theme)

Circle concluded in his own inimitable fashion by Moonbeams.

Thanks to both Josephine and Sir Rabbit, a lot of time and effort put in behind the scenes.

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Run 1807

Date : 18th June 2012
Hare : Jigsaw
Venue : Kawana Crescent, Ashmore
Runners 18

Weeks to AGPU – too many

18 hardened Hashers gathered at the rear of Ashmore Steak and Seafood (bodes well for the food) on what was truly a winters evening; it was almost impossible to hear the hare, Jigsaw issuing instructions due to the noise of chattering teeth. Circumference got the proceedings under way with a cry of “Lets go before we all freeze to death”.

No one argued this point and we set forth from the first prominently displayed arrow. It took quite some time and effort to find the second and third as the chalk budget must have been blown out on last weeks run. On the positive side, the lead changed frequently as more people became lost.

We eventually emerged onto Archerfield Speedway or Ashmore Road and most waited to see which way the Hare’s mountain bike pointed before continuing up Harper Street. FRB Rectum searched in vain for more arrows and had to be called back several times.

After crossing Southport Nerang road, we meandered between footpaths, roads and grass before arriving back in our original location. The trail home must have been set with a myriad of options, as everyone seemed to finish from different positions!

Under many layers of clothing, we were served an entre of pea and ham soup, followed by marinated chicken breasts, fried banana (yes I said banana) pineapple and coriander salsa and rice with (kidney beans?). All topped off with fruit salad and home made custard.

Circle was called by RA and stand-in GM Circumference, who turned the running order on its head and POW was called first. As you may recall, POW Flasher was out of the country, upsetting Asia on our behalf, so proxy POW Botcho took to the floor. After abridging the note left by Flasher he handed the POW to Two Dogs for self-serving Hash notes. Two dogs served himself a Down Down as stand-in booze master.

The RA announced a new award, after thanking Rectum for the great job on last weeks Hash words, he handed Rectum the Farkhorf award. This was apparently an acronym for –
For
Alltosee
Rectums
Klangerin the
Hall
Of
Retrograded
Fame

Which was explained, is given for pissing off two Hashers last week. (I think)

Jigsaw was invited into the circle and a critique requested of the run from Josephine. Enjoying a return to the spotlight, Josephine questioned whether the hare knew where he was, alleged a debacle of a run with dodgy markings and no checks to return to after false trails. Rather surprisingly he scored it a 7.5/10 (please explain)

Blue Card was a reluctant food critic but was wise enough not to take advice from Pizza. His comments of “Nothing better than pea and ham soup on a cold winter night” said it all. 7.25/10

Cum Smoke was ushered into the circle to display the HHH show-bag, which will be available from the EKKA this year. The contents were

Literature – for a lack of spine
Literature – for erectile dysfunction – for all the soft c@#ks
Tea Cup – for the storm
Vaginal wash and tampons – for the pussies
A smiley face – for the lack of sense of humour
Strong as nails – so hashers could harden the f@ck up
Spare dummies – for the spits

Down Downs –

Michael – (Cum Smokes visitor (and employer))
Head Job – birthday boy
Now Loved and Blue Card – Leading Pizza astray at the pub

Future Down Down –

Crocodile – for fighting with a vanity at 2am and losing. No alcohol involved
(yeah right)

Next Weeks run – Josephine @ Ashmore

Thanks to Jigsaw, a lot of effort put into the food and Two Dogs for standing in for Croc.

Finally a closing note from me, what a week of controversy, so lets end it with an apology. A blanket apology in fact, SORRY……….. to all you hashers that I am going to offend this year. Remember, there is no malice in the Harsh Words just humour. If I write about you, its not because I hate you, its because I love you.

Well not you Caustic (see, I just did it again) stop typing Caustic it was a joke.

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