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On Sec strikes for more money.
Mr Hash Cash Blackstump. Please reach an agreement with the On Sec. Pay him the money he deserves. We all enjoy reading the “Trash” that he writes
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Dispute resolved in a closed Hierarchy meeting, apparently its on a need to know bases and not for the general rank and file!!

Run 1819
Date : 10th September 2012
Hare : Carefree
Venue : Southport SLSC
Runners 33

Weeks to Christmas cocktail evening at Hollywood Showgirls – 11

Arriving late for the run, the usual work commitments, I landed at the Surf club for what was the warmest evening so far, to the sight of four front running b#st@rds sweating and breathing heavily on the beach path. Whilst I couldn’t put my finger on it, something did not seem quite right, then it dawned on me, Cum Smoke was one of the front-runners. What the hell had gone on here? When was the last time you saw him run? When did you ever see him finish at the front? Had there been a rip in the space-time continuum?

Botcho, Caustic and Blackie made up the quartet and confirmed it was not an illusion, so where therefore, were the serial front-runners – Miscarriage and Flasher? Well, surprise, surprise they had ignored the markings and assumed the route, taking themselves off in the wrong direction.

Isn’t that why someone bothers to draw pretty little arrows and stuff that we are meant to follow?

Not having run, I trawled the good-sized crowd for comments.

“Predictable, up the spit and back”
“Carefree uses tampons”
“Disgraceful, no markings”
“Its royal Labrador”
“Carefree is renowned for shit runs”
“Shite”

It seems that Carefree is to hash runs what Clive Palmer is to hang-gliding

For those interested, the route ran north from the surf club, past Versace etc. and turned left by SeaWorld (or right if you were flasher and buddy) before returning on itself. About as much imagination as the current government.

A notable attendance by Pile driver who has now made four runs in a row, is there a bet we don’t know about.

Flasher and Miscarriage finally turned up looking suitably embarrassed.

Circle whistle tooted and order eventually obtained, it seemed as though there was a lot to talk about amongst ourselves.

Hare invited out, Carefree’s first run on the Gold Coast and hopefully his last according to Iceman, who stated ‘I enjoyed the lighting and toilet blocks’ – what the f%ck was he talking about?? 6.1/10
Show Pony, on behalf of the walkers, gave a juxtaposition, ‘been on the coast for 20 years, tonight I’ve been on new scenic territory’ 11/10 Show Pony backed up by Sir Slab. Looks like you can set a walk again Carefree.

DD to the three hares – Carefree, Moonbeams and Blackie

Visitors – Anchovy (someone’s mate from somewhere)
Vasso – (returner to the fold)
Peter – (Carefree’s mate)

Experiencing yet another Peter in the circle led to the call “someone’s opened a tin of Peters” and this led to all the Peters being brought out for a DD.

Unfinished business – thanks to the providers of birthday booze – Ferret/VD/Jigsaw

DD for Sir Slab on his 1300 runs, in the offing for an On Secs job? Pressy in due course (we’ve all heard that before, have you got yours yet Veteran?)

RA pulled Flasher out for excessive emails (serial offender). PS who ever is slipping Flasher the shrinking drugs please stop, as I observed him in the circle I thought “Does his mum know he’s out this late?”

Jokes requested – someone suggested the run for starters

Caustic procrastinated over a joke ridiculing the disabled, poor delivery, poor punch line, poor taste and the joke wasn’t up to much either. Eight minutes of my life I wont get back.

POW, Caustic decided to abridge the lengthy diatribe he had prepared and just handed it to Flasher for voting Labour, fair enough.

Vasso informed us that the standing invitation to the Brissy over 60’s luncheon invitation would be rescinded as there are too many of us over 60.

Coming up –

1st October – German Festival at Pizza’s
8th October – Run in the middle of nowhere – Jacobs Well

Talking of which Mme Latrine is still asking for transport to and from the venue – the trip there seems ok but…………

Next Weeks run – Veteran @ Labrador, norm rix park

End of circle given a DD by Moonbeams.

Food served at the Surf club –

Sir Prince nearly not served/Waitress amused by those who were not ashamed of giving their hash names – shame on those of you who didn’t, Barry, Julian etc. etc. In keeping with the usual run of things, the special was fine but a little light on the portion control front. It did however come with a $2 wine and not the $7.50 paid by the GM who went for the fancy pants fisherman’s basket.

A big shout out to Carefree’s mate Peter, who named himself “wild Man” when ordering the food.

The Peter Allen Gay dessert award to Cum Smoke.

Thanks to Carefree, good luck on the wrong side of the Tweed, hope to see you again.

On On

Rectum
On Sec
Most of the above may be untrue.

Run 1818

Date    :           3^rd September 2012

Hare    :           Ferret

Venue :           Miami SLSC

Runners         32

Weeks to the Vietnam offensive – 6

A mild night seemed to be on the cards as we assembled at the park at the end of Marine Parade. Numbers were healthy and the runner’s eager as our Hare disclosed the route information.

The evening began normally enough then turned into De Ja Vu or like something I had experienced previously (old run, family cooking the food), finishing out of order and in a degree of chaos. But more of that later.

Slightly later than 6.15, we began running northwards along the coastline before cutting left at the base of Magic Mountain and emerging to cross the highway by Nobby’s shops.

Several false trails and check backs were encountered, at which both Flasher and the GM seemed to be choosing very wisely. In fact a little too wisely, until it was established that we were running the majority of the Thirsty Thursday hash run from 4 nights previous, which, of course, they had both run.

The marking were good in the main, though some a little too far apart and others, which had bizarre letters alongside them (must be a Thursday thing).

The route took us through the estates by Sunshine boulevard, past Pizzy Park swimming pool until it eventually looped back to Sunshine Boulevard, back over the highway and home.

The length was good and combined with the temperature and pace at the front made for a top workout. Good performances by both Miscarriage and Flasher but a special mention to Caustic who put in a big effort to finish at the pointy end of the pack.

A small coach arrived carrying the catering team and the entrees were served; cheese, tomatoes, salad and crackers. The pack dived on these, like seagulls at the beach, leaving shiny clean platters in minutes.

The mains were taking a little longer, so circle was called with the intention that it be completed prior to the food.

Two Dogs offered the following of the run – old run, markings faded, little and big arrows, pack scattered, tedious 6/10 (which could explain why he and the GM short cutted the end)

Aussie commented on the walk – no arrows, up and back down albatross 7/10, (seemed overly generous)

No Visitors

Pizza (returner) and the hare Ferret called out by the GM who informed us that as they were both complaining about not being on committee this year, they would be booze masters next year. Cheers all round, though Ferrets birthday shine seemed to dull at that point.

Prince regaled us with a tale about a fellow hasher abusing a request to look after his guest; no one appeared surprised in the least. Also how the guest was taught her own language by Rug and had wine emptied on her by Flasher at the splinter lunch. We do leave a lasting impression. (have you tried getting red wine out of clothing?)

The RA brought out Caustic who informed us that Miss Scotland had been party to a molestation at the hands of others, for whom she was giving a lift home. Must be how we say thanks these days.

POW invited out, but the mains were ready so circle interrupted.

The meal consisted of Roast beef, jacket spuds, peas, carrots, mixed veg, sour cream, butter, gravy with a mixed fruit pavlova to finish. Delicious if you were at the front of the queue, (though in your favorite words Ferret “could have done with a bit of salt and pepper”) not so good if you had the vegetarian option (run out of meat) at the end.  Two words PORTION CONTROL.

Apathy reigned supreme as the GM brought the proceedings to a halt, without the POW, jokes, charges etc. (save for next week)

Next weeks run – Carefree’s virgin and final run before he returns to Sydney (coaching NSW Blues for state of origin)(well they’ve tried everyone else) @ Southport surf club (special meal organized)

Josephine (this is getting to be a habit) ended circle on behalf of Moonbeams who is recovering from treatment. All our very best mate, hope to see you soon.

Thanks to Ferret (but mainly Romeo and accomplices) and to Kwakka and Kitchen Bitch for keeping the home fires burning.

On On

Rectum

On Sec

Most of the above may be untrue.

Hash Bike Ride
Date : 26th August 2012
Hare : Sir Slab
Venue : murwillumbah

When Lance Armstrong ( the guy who has imbibed more blood than Count Dracula) said the words “It’s not about the bike” I don’t think he was referring to his loose girlfriend more so the cycle and accessories that some people surround themselves with.

Imagine my surprise therefore, on arriving at the venue, a picture postcard perfect location, to beautiful sunshine and cool air temperature, at seeing a group of try-hards dressed in lycra with the latest carbon fibre bikes looking as though it was a warm-up event for the Tour De France.

My off-the-shelf mountain bike was looking decidedly second hand alongside these mighty steeds.

The only thing missing was a starters pistol as we set off, with Caustic surging to the front of the peloton. Flasher and I took a more leisurely pace and watched as the rest disappeared into the distance.

Quite some time later we arrived at the en-route hostelry with the lead group having already downed their first coffee.

I was shocked to hear that on the first hill ascent only two managed to stay on the pedals and cycle up the hill, everyone else walked. YES WALKED, in their lycra and clippy cloppy special shoes pushing their ultra expensive bikes. Mr. Armstrong you were indeed prophetic.

Caustic crusader was reported to have sounded like an asthmatic Darth Vader and unable to speak .

The food arrived in a rather hap hazard fashion but my eggs benedict was delicious, if you’re out this way (tyalgum) stop and have a nose bag.

Once sated we commenced the journey home (It’s a lot easier on the way back- Sir Slab) (No it’s not – Shat) which was a very agreeable jaunt.

Those feeling up to it re-adjourned to the pub at Tumblegum (its how it sounds to me) and procrastinated over a beer or two.

To those of you who failed to attend, you missed a cracking day, an enjoyable ride, a great breaky with a cold ale to quaff at the death.

Great effort Sir Slab, you have redeemed yourself after the boring run on Monday, we need to do this more often.

On On

Rectum
On Sec

Hi Hashers, First of all let me apologise for the words being so late this week, I had to negotiate with the Hash Cash for a better rate of pay. Up to now I have been working for fu#k all.
Run 1816
Date : 20th August 2012
Hare : Sir Slab, Sir Prince Valiant
Venue : AFL Club, Robina
Runners Shitloads (35 ish)

Weeks to lasagne – 1

The venue, a little hard to find for some, that’s you Flasher, was supposed to be empty of the junior AFL players so that we could make use of the car parking facilities. Indeed, the juniors had finished, however the seniors were present instead. A little tight in the car park then.

I had arrived with the following words from an experienced hasher “If you haven’t done a Slab run you’re in for a treat. He knows all the bush.” I was hoping this was a reference to parkland and not a seedy side to Sir Slab.

Consequently I was eagerly anticipating the run, as it seemed, was the huge numbers who had also turned up.

Sir Slab got us under way on what was a large circuitous route through the back streets and pathways of the local houses and commercial estates. The trail was well marked throughout, though light on checks and false trails. Unfortunately it been over hyped to me and involved virtually no bush/chiggy/green stuff so by the last check I had lost interest and headed back to the AFL ground which was 100 metres away.

I arrived back to a scene somewhat akin to a master chef show, Sir Prince Valiant had a cast of thousands peeling, chopping and stirring. Looking at the quantity of raw materials, I had grave reservations that the food would be ready on time. Would we be in line for another Cum Smoke and the spit roast debarcle?

Entrees of spring rolls and dim sims were served in vast quantities by the over- eager to please Ferret (brown nosing to avoid the German punishment). I couldn’t spot the smoko van anywhere.

After an ‘I would have left the restaurant by know’ wait, the mains were proffered. Chicken and vegetable Thai curry in abundance, it was worth the wait, delicious.
Could a dessert top this meal? Apparently not – there wasn’t one, Sir Prince is only allowed to use certain rooms in the house when he has permission from the princess.

The Circle whistle was tooted and the Hare (and birthday boy) brought out

Black Stump, who hadn’t had a run for a while (or a sh%t for that matter – Caustic) was asked for comment.

A run so good he did both halves (intended walking half) too much chalk -over budget – and never more than a Km from home 8/10
Dicky Knee and Shat combined for the walk report – brilliant, good choice of alleyways 4/10 (readjusted to 8/10)

Botcho, the olive maestro, was again asked for the food report, excellent entrée, mains nice, no bananas 8/10

Visitors/returners – Bomber (Sydney), Hand job, Arse up, Miscarriage, Pile driver

Letter from the AFP sent to GM re Nazi sympathizers read to circle.

RA then brought out the ‘Turncoat B#ast$rds”, Flasher, Sir Slab, Shat and Ferret and gassed them on top of a microwave oven. Let off far too lightly in my opinion.

DD – Flasher refusing Sgt Shultz (dicky Knee) a lift down
– Show pony for having facial cancer?
– Caustic for the above nomination
– Flasher, lame charge
– Ferret, ingratiating behavior with the entrees

P.O.W. Cum Smoke, thinking he was still on a barrister’s hourly rate, high jacked the circle for far too long before handing the trophy to Truck Tyres.

Hashy birthday to Sir Slab who provided Crownies and Show Pony who didn’t

Croc honoured for 200 runs

Next weeks run Old Fart @ Pacific Pines

31st August, splinter lunch at Broadbeach

The usual thanks to Sir Slab and Sir Prince for a memorable evening.

On On

Rectum
On Sec
Most of the above may be untrue.

Foot note – Mumbles is still alive, he hared the Thursday hash run in Nerang and it was very good, reckons he’ll be back after he gets over the flu.

Run 1815
Date : 13th August 2012
Hare : Moonbeams
Venue : Cascade Gardens, Surfers Paradise
Runners 21

Weeks to Cocktail night – 16

This is the second attempt as the Mac just deleted everything. Apple is not everything its cracked up to be.

A depleted pack gathered at the venue (see why later) and were informed by the Hare – Moonbeams that an incentive of grog vouchers had been secreted onto the trail and could be redeemed at the eating establishment.

Consequently the pack left with some vigour and a degree of urgency, onto the track at the rear of the car park eventually coming to what looked like a definite dead-end in the middle of a canal, which is exactly what it was. Only the GM, RA and myself went full distance and received wet feet as a thank you. My discomfort was relieved somewhat as I heard Moonbeams fall off his bike (for the first time) Karma is a bitch.

We skirted the canal until crossing over at Enderley Avenue and then traversed the estates between Rio Vista and the water. Checks were a plenty, false trails unmarked and on arrows miles apart. Non-the less everything was run down in the search for the elusive vouchers.

The lead runners changed frequently as more people became lost and some gave up and headed home. Both Josephine and Sir Prince made a good front running appearance.

The three of us met up at the drink stop and indulged in a rather fine drop of tawny port (from a casket no less) served by mien host Carefree. We waited for a regroup, but with the exception of Swindler and Blue Card everyone else had either retired or missed the drinks stop entirely.

With Moonbeams in tow we all set off down TE Peters, over the bridge and on home up the highway.

After a small refreshment stop, we adjourned to the 1st Avenue tavern for nourishment.

Most opted for the daily ‘special’ – Beef stroganoff. For special read ‘ordinary’ and for Beef stroganoff read mushroom stroganoff with an onion chaser. Jenny Craig had obviously sponsored the meal. Those of us who had opted to go upmarket ended up with an adult sized portion with loads of chips (which were handed out to those who had chosen unwisely).

The circle was got underway by the GM who commented that the hare had been saved from an icing (over by 17 mins) due to the free beers. Caustic commented he had been unable to find the trail prompting the question “didn’t it go as far as the Darcy Arms?”

Making full use of the opportunity, Caustic explained how he had been much maligned after the last splinter lunch, that it wasn’t a dummy spit, he just went home to watch the rugby. You seem to forget I was there (laughing if I remember correctly). Caustic then advised us he had warned Cum smoke not to attend as there was a threatened slap due to the non-apology. This of course led to calls for Caustic to make up for lost revenue.

Rug gave the walk report – very lonely/dispute over checks/distance between arrows, which in turn led to a verbal dispute with Moonbeams

Croc interjected that Moonbeams was the first to complain that “we never go anywhere new” yet here we were back at Cascade Gardens. Once again Moonbeams took exception. The circle was becoming increasingly aggressive.

Kitchen Bitch asked how the hare was able to provide such food for the money, describing the non-existent entrée and desserts as delicious but mains lacking 4.5/10

Josephine as one of the three who actually completed the whole run scored it a 7.8/10 (strangely enough just less than his own run scored)

Returners – Phantom/Arse up both pissed off before the food, maybe they had eaten the special previously.

RA took to the floor and invited Kwakka (or Quaker if you were the waitress) to update us on his European tour. Kwakka name-dropped his whole itinerary before declaring the highlight as saying goodbye to Shat.

DD to Carefree for refusing a lift home to Swindler and Blue Card the only walkers to make the drinks stop

We were then treated to a trio of gynecologist’s jokes finishing with two from the RA. A self imposed DD ensued as the RA’s offerings were below par.

No POW (apparently too scared of Caustic) leaving Moonbeams to remark “but you used to be his Bum Boy” apparently the bro-mance is over.

Who would have thought that Nazi sympathizers would still be evident in 2012. Well its true, Sir Slab, Flasher, Shat and others (in future to be referred to as ‘the Turncoat Bastards’) left the exalted fold of our Monday Night Hash to attend a Nazi party up Brissy way. What some people will do to dress up. I have spoken with the party organizer Adolph von Layup, he informs me that as a result of the run Flasher will now be known as ‘Kurze Schneide’. This is German for short cutter.

The pack voiced its displeasure at the non-attendance.

The Culprits.

Dates of note –

22nd August Red Dress run for the Cambodian kid at 6.30pm. Lets get some good numbers so we can show the wed/thurs hash tossers what running (and more importantly drinking) is all about. Oh and raise some money for charity.

26th August Sir Slab bike ride (German parties permitting)

8th September – Mudder at Woodford if you’re hard enough and still own a set (see Cum Smoke or myself)

24th September October Fest at Pizzas (don’t worry he’s not doing the food or the run)

Mid November – Sunday family bike ride at Varsity lakes

1st December – Cocktail Party, details to follow

New Years Eve – possible function

Next weeks run Sir Slab @ Robina football club (near Dog and Parrot) (German Parties permitting)

A big hand to Moonbeams for a champion effort when he was a little under the weather.

On On and Sieg Heil

Rectum
On Sec
Most of the above may be untrue.

 

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