RUN 1863
Date :15/7/2013
Location: Parkwood
HARE: Josephine
Runners: 18

We were indeed honoured this week with an appearance by Cum Smoke. Not only a rare appearance but he brought a guest who was quickly named Big Unit due to the fact that he was a Big Unit. Can’t wait to see him chatting with Flasher!

Speaking of Flasher – come back all is forgiven.

About 17 turned up in less than perfect weather. Not bad when you consider there are 16 away competing in the Tour de Philippines. Word coming down the wire is that Nasty has lost his phone on the bike ride but I have it on good authority his fellow riders are looking after it so he is not texting and riding at the same time.

We all gathered for drinks in Josephine’s garage but not content with the level of ambience  he decided to start a fire with what seemed like some old painted timber judging by the smoke billowing from the brazier. Not happy with the level of fire Josephine resorted to a container of kerosene and for a while it seemed like he was going to resemble a protesting monk with a serious case of self-immolation.

Eventually Sir Rabbit who was in charge of the Nosh turned up with his piece de resistance Tuna Mornay. As he had catered for 35 there was no requirement to portion control which was probably fortunate as the first course was non-existent.

The GM called up the circle and Hare Josephine was front and centre. Rectum declared  the run as a nice long run with a few hills but not well marked in the first half. Score 8.5

A second opinion from Veteran also scored an 8.5. An average of 8.5.

Rug gave an insightful opinion on the Tuna Mornay and said it was pretty good but it was a pity he didn’t have any rendering jobs at the moment as it would come in handy – score 8.

Rabbit was given a special mention, a high distinction and a DD for completing 20 half marathons and 40 years married.

DD’s to:

Cum Smokes guest Big Unit

Truck Tyres last to pay

Blackie scrubbed out a set of tyres at $500 each on the Porsche lucky the trailer tyres match

RA Miss Carriage

DD’s to:

• Josephine for training his dog to lick people on the legs
• Caustic reported Mrs Prince only let Sir Prince go to the Philippines because Rectum wasn’t going – Sir Rabbit and Sir AH copped a DD for Sir P in his absence
• Rectum for discovering a stability issue with the trailer

Returners

Cum Smoke, Veteran, and Sir Cumference.

Sir Cumference back from the Land of the Long Weekend told us the Kiwis have a saying….. what happens in the pen stays in the pen.

Next weeks run by Sir Cumference will be somewhere on the Gold Coast – to be advised.

That’s the week that was.

PS. Blue Cards joke for this week ….

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said …….”Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now … I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and … I’m sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

RUN 1862
Date :8/7/2013
Location: Tallebudgera
HARE: Moonbeams
Runners: 23

A run set by Moonbeams in the middle of winter was destined to be a “pub run” and true to form we set off from the car park at Tallebudgera Surf Club.

About 12 runners and 11 walkers trekked along the beachfront, over the bridge, under the bridge, back over the bridge, around Burleigh Hill……. I am sure you get the picture.

Moonbeams had negotiated a very cost efficient “2 for1″ at the Surf Club with the only problem half the members had to choose a ” special friend” to order the meal with. Not sure why they couldn’t have simply given a 50% discount.

The GM in attendance for 2 weeks in a row called circle up which was in reality a rectangle. Rug described the run as a clever run as did Botcho and both rated it an 8.5. The ACCC has reportedly launched an investigation into collusive scoring. Link offered a third opinion and said he was marking it down as he had run into a house on the top of Burleigh Hill and of course gave Moonbeams a big serve.

Some mathematical genius then suggested the correct rating was 7.85!

Jigsaw recently returned from representing the GC Hash presented the GM with an ” adult toy” all the way from the backstreets of Amsterdam. Ferret back from a 5900k round trip to Cape York returned empty handed, Nasty reported Head Job was getting Christmas Island under control but was going on leave to the old country for a few months. Missing Link acting as an unlicensed travel agent and group tour guide had organised a hash bike tour in the Philippines leaving in a few days but unfortunately 6 of the group have had their connecting flight cancelled. DD’s for all!

Blackie reported a tale of misfortune involving the Hash Trailer and Rectum. Apparently Rectum had skilfully towed the trailer down from Tamborine Mt and on the final round about at Gilston 1K from Blackies ranch when the trailer decided to imitate the Killer Whales on Fraser Island and had beached itself on its side on the round-about!

Damage is about $500 but the upside is we have a strong contender for a new award – The POD ( Prick Of The Decade) award!

Caustic advised that Sir Rabbit had run his 20 th half Marathon last weekend and had received an award from Robert de Castella. Great effort Rabbit – come back soon for a DD!

Shat called out several suspects being the non attenders at Mt Tamborine for the POW.

When asked for his reason for non attendance VD responded in a fit of honesty “because it was f******ng raining!” He was awarded the POW and told he should wear it for the next 2 weeks in the Philippines!
Not sure what happened after this!! I’d had e few red wines by this stage.
Thanks to Moonbeams for a great night
On On
Blue Card

AFTER SURGERY QUERY

She asked,How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

“You’ll be fine,” he said.

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

Run 1861
Date 1/7/13
Hare Rectum
Venue Mount Tambourine

About 20 runners turned up with Miscarriage turning up during the run and then having the temerity to castigate all and sundry for having gone without him; notwithstanding the fact that he was late.

The night was not one for the faint hearted as we could no be criticised for thinking we were at Everest base camp. Rectum’s sail making skills saved the night. The hardy turn ups were rewarded with an on the house dinner, fine that it was, due entirely to the cohersive skills of Blackie and the Grand Masters’ benevolence.

Circle was called and all huddled around trying to keep out of view of Shat (prick carrier).
Grand Master thundered that the wet weather sooks would be brought to account at another time.
Truck Tyres rated the run as good for what he saw of it.
Two Dogs commented on the nice bush and having run 4 Kilometres in 32 minutes rated it an 8/10.
Prince leapt straight into his role as food critic stating the dessert as somewhere between a brick cake and a rock cake. Stuffed up though mistaking garlic bread for pizza; hope yet. Rated it close to 8.
Link, not to be outdone, rated the garlic bread the best he had ever had: first time probably. Rectum did the obligatory Down Down.
Croc gave the walk 10/10 and being so fit didn’t even raise a sweat. Red cheeks though at the start of Circle.
Two Dogs , resplendent in his Racoon hat, knocked up 900 runs. Just think, in four to five years he could be Sir Dog. Great effort considering the sabbatical.
Blackie was called out, looking not unlike Rasputin and did Two dogs effort over by 92 runs. Down Down’s for both.

Returning runner R.A. was called up admitting to cavorting around Cambodia and copped a Down Down.

Grand Master, in from the cold, stated that all the considerable powers of H.A.S.H (Harrow All Suspicious Happenings) ,would be employed to find who instigated the petition ,calling for the Hierarchy to be tossed out. Insurrection he growled Someone threatened to use a banana on Banana in a most uncomfortable way.

R A duly stepped forward and offered a lot of advice and musings.

Reference was made to US spy planes, prison brothers, before moving to Cambodia and family hotel rooms, young tour guides, accompanying hashers, Testicles, Slut and Flasher representing us admirably, Rabbit as roving Ambassador, the run being the worst in twenty years, plastic plates in fires.
DD’s to Rabbit, Prince, R.A., Show pony.
R.A. had to fess up to offering very generous hands to the young 42 GG maiden who Prince had been looking after. Very touching.
DD to Prince over dog bowl, a howling success.

Rug and Flasher exposed on TV despite Flashers efforts to go off tangent. 40 minute planned interview converted to 4 hours 76 minute actual interview to 13 seconds of coverage.

Prick of the week held over due to those being there, the chosen few loyal GM followers, not being big enough pricks to carry off the award.

Swindler lined up for kicking over his Moose hat brought very cheaply in Beijing.

Rectum quiet rightly lamented the girlish attitude on show and the pathetic excuses offered as reasons for non attendance.

.On On Hard On

Run 1860
Date : 24th June.2013
Hare : Bent Banana
Venue : Emerald Lakes
Runners : 27
The Week That Was!
About 22 adventurous souls turned up for the walk or run for the night.

The run was set around the picturesque lake at Emerald Lakes, Carrara which is a 1980’s development in the European 1680’s style developed by a Japanese company.

Blackie was the man of the night! He was the go to man for everything, acting GM, the Hash Cash and acting Religious Advisor. His salary for the night was 3 times the norm.

Blackie called the circle which was in fact an extended oblong along the shore of the lake.

Arse Up was called on to score the run and said it was well marked and plenty of check backs which almost caused Rectum to nearly choke for some reason, and gave it a 8 out of 10. Flasher complained that someone was practising hitting golf balls and almost had his head taken off, to which Caustic replied “it must have been a grubber”.

Carefree gave a score on the Nosh and to be different started with the dessert which was partly fresh fruit, partly out of a can and multicolour icecream which was very thoughtful as people could choose their own colour. The main course was some tasty beef stew set on a choice of fine European breads which was a change from the normal cheap as chips white flavourless bread. The entrée was a meat pie carefully set in aluminium dishes just to offset the main course which was also a large meat pie without the pastry. Carefree complained that he already had pie for lunch and so that only reasonably pushed the score down and he gave it a 7 out of 10. Caustic was invited to give a second opinion and as the portion control on the pies was fairly poor he missed out completely. He gave it a score of 0 out of 10 resulting in an average of 3.5.

Shat gave a short discourse on the walk on behalf of the walkers and said he was dazzled by the lights around the lake and said it reminded him of his first night on a date with a girl at the movies. He gave the walk 7.35 out of 10. VD was called on for a second opinion on the walk and after careful consideration and deliberation he gave it at 7.35.

Last to pay Arse Up got a Down Down. Link was called out for abusing Flasher and Bent Banana on the run and given a Down Down.

Botcho, Flasher and Caustic were referred to as serial pests by the acting GM, however Caustic got a particularly severe reprimand for leading several runners including the GM the wrong way on the run.

Similarly Two Dogs got a Down Down for leading the acting GM way off track.

KB was in the firing line by the acting GM who pointed out that for the Nosh that night, KB had paid $10 in cash plus the balance in lemons and mandarins from his extensive orchard in the Tallebudgera Valley and got a well-deserved Down Down. Blackie complained that he cannot pay his suppliers in lemons and mandarins!

Carefree was back in the firing line as last week he stated he couldn’t decide which Hash was better as he couldn’t decide which was best, Sydney or Gold Coast.

Croc, Hard On and Carefree got a Down Down for talking about cooking recipes during the Nosh.

Shat was given a Down Down and severe reprimand from the acting GM for abusing the acting GM with foul language when it was pointed out to him that he hadn’t paid for his Nosh. A Down Down was considered the appropriate mouth wash.

Flasher appeared in the circle nursing an object wrapped in a towel and said he had been nursing this item as he needed to give it away. After carefully unwrapping the item it turned out to be the Annual POW Trophy and he said as he had taken it a second place getter it was now time to hand it onto the appropriate first place getter, Caustic. A standoff then ensued between Caustic and Flasher and it is still unsure who got to take the fine trophy home. More to follow.

BB then called out Truck Tires and complained that every week he always came late and what could be done to make him come on time, to which came a retort from the back of the circle “give him Viagra”.

Caustic Crusader never lost for words then made a charge against Kwakka, one of the Wednesday bike riders referred to by Caustic as the Wobbly Warriors and gave Kwakka a Down Down for falling off his bike at slow speed on the wet grass on a footpath.

Next the POW was awarded by last week’s recipient Carefree. Carefree explained that he had been welcomed into the club and was particularly chuffed when he was invited by Shat to ride in the bicycle gentlemen’s group Wednesday morning last week. Shat gave him particular instructions to be waiting on Seaworld Drive on his bike ready to join the group at 6.40am. That was a particularly cold morning and Carefree turned up at the appointed time only to sit there freezing for 10 minutes waiting for Shat and the group to turn up. Shat took the POW yard glass and tried to make it last for 30 minutes which resulted in Two Dogs calling out “its not a friggin wine tasting!”

Next week’s run will be at Mt Tamborine courtesy of Rectum and he advises all should bring their full length ski suits as it will be chilly.

Blue Card

Blue Card YouTube Clip For The Week

Run 1859
Date : 17th June.2013
Hare : VD
Venue : Robina
Runners : 25
The Week That Was!
The GM back from the casino in Sydney with the remainder of the Hash Stash once again wasn’t sure what the number of the run was, hopefully he will sort it out by the end of the year.

He asked Blackie for a report on the run and Blackie said it was all good but he found himself lost on Christine Avenue at one stage.

Of the 26 Hashers on the night, about 12 were walkers who were given once again no instructions just told to take a walk and come back. A few others stayed back to protect the kitchen while the rest went running. Rectum once again the first back to the beer esky’s although it was noted he headed for the ginger beer.

Pile driver was asked to give the Hare VD a score on the Nosh and he came up with a generous 8 for sausages entrée, the chicken schnitzel burgers and salad and the carefully crafted homemade tarts from Woolworths.

Crocodile threw some illumination as to the portion control on the sausages. When he suggested to VD during the cooking that there were not enough sausages to go around, VD replied when I cut them into 3 there will be plenty to go around. An act of loaves and fishes of a biblical proportion! Apparently the sausages used for the entree were a real bargain as the expiry date was midnight Monday 17 June 2013 and much to Blackies delight VD got a great price from Woolworths.

Carefree was called out as a returning runner having been missing for 9 months in Sydney. He said he was trying to work out which one was the best club out of Sydney and the Gold Coast and was confused whether he should have his hat on or off in the circle. No doubt if Alzheimer’s doesn’t strike he will remember that the Gold Coast Hash is the best and it is hats off in the circle.

For some unknown reason Rabbit then produced a special bottle of red (empty) from 1988 and returned it to Sir Prince with calls from the crowd “give it to Pizza to refill the bottle”.

The Scribe is under strict instructions from the previous year’s Hon Sec to mention Flasher every week no matter what. It was reported that Flasher was absent doing an interview with Channel 7 as a promo documentary for his new drug sniffing, privacy invading machine to be installed in rental properties. Some commented “I hope his interview goes longer than his appearance on Who Wants to be a Millionaire”.

Next up Crocodile and Pile Driver who had been selected by the GM to give a special report on the State of Origin. Although the SOI was some 2 weeks ago, it was the GM’s first appearance since the game and he asked for the boys to give a special report.

Crocodile prattled on about having done some research on the game and the State of Origin which he really knew nothing about. He said he was confused by commentators referring to Gallons and Miles when Australian had been on the metric system since 1966 and the commentator should be referring to litres and kilometres? He then couldn’t work out if it was supposed to be Qld born players playing NSW born players. How could players with names like Kickerwangerwocker and Kangawockerfifi made up half the teams. From his observations half the players were imported from elsewhere. To be further reinforced with the names of cockroaches and cane toads as cane toads were an introduced species. Pile Driver then gave a much shorter report on the SOI and said just after kickoff he went to sleep and woke 2 minutes before the end and didn’t really have much to say.

Botcho was then questioned as to whether he didn’t run or walk because he had man flu however advised that he stayed back to supervise VD and his bitch in the kitchen. Botcho reported that there was a real tantrum between the bitch and VD as they argued who was in control of the spatula.

Sir Prince said he had run into Moonbeams who said he wasn’t coming back to a run in winter time until there was a pub run because it was too bloody cold.

Truck Tires scored a Down Down for being the last (other than a hierarchy member) to pay on the night. When asked where he had been for the last few weeks he reported that he had been kayaking and biking around SE Queensland and Northern NSW and had been quite busy. At that point Shat asked “Any Sex?”

Next the POW, Show Pony appeared at the centre of the circle and quickly advised there was only one suspect and he was going to award it quickly and called out Blue Card AKA yours truly in retaliation for having been given it last week contrary to the rules that it should not be given to a hierarchy member. This led to a loud protest from Blue Card that a line had to be drawn in the sand and fair was fair. On 2 counts, first you can’t give it to the person who gave it to you the previous week, and the golden rule about not giving it to a hierarchy member should be reinstated. The GM full of equity and compassion quickly stepped forward advising the only rule was that there are no rules however then he made a rule and said it could not be given to the hierarchy and it could not be given to the person who presented it last week. Blue Card feels we have an excellent and balanced GM this year.

The next choice for POW was Carefree as he had been back on the Gold Coast from Sydney for 3 months and had not yet made an appearance at the Gold Coast Hash and therefore scored the award for the week.

Bent Banana then gave Phantom a DD for what he termed the Norman Gunston Award. Phantom was sporting a few plasters on his face from some recent botox.

Next week’s run is to be set by Bent Banana and will be at Emerald Lakes next to the Michael Angelo statue and the scribe is under strict instructions from Crocodile to mention that it will be a pub run and that we expect to see Moonbeams next week!

Blue Card

Blue Card Joke For The Week

SOME JUST KNOW HOW TO GET THINGS DONE!!!

JUST CHECK THE TIMING

These pictures are said to have been taken by a Hash?guy from Grande Cache,
Alberta, by the Berland River on Highway 40.
Take a look at the time frame in the bottom right-hand
corner of each picture…

It took him just ten minutes to pick her up,
take her to dinner, feed her a terrific
meal and then get laid.
Is this guy good or what?