Run 1846

Date : 18^th March 2013

Hare : Miscarriage

Venue : Surfers Paradise

Runners 24

Weeks to the AGPU – 11. Nominations required

The St Patrick’s Day Run. Not. It wasn’t St Patrick’s Day nor did we run. Was it worth coming out then? You bet your arse (as Cum Smoke does most nights out) it was, good beer, great food and a circle of vaudevillian standards, does it get any better?

Despite numerous penitent hours in the pose of supplication our resident RA (and stand-in G.M.) had failed in the cessation of the volume of precipitation and so, rather reluctantly suggested giving it a miss. Even Mark Webber could beat his recent scorecard. No maybe not. Consequently, after weeks upon weeks of washed out trails, irony struck leaving us with a warm day drier than a nun’s crotch in the Serengeti.

Arriving late, I went straight to the Lansdowne arms where the pack was already paying serious tribute to the Irish saint and from where, I was informed that the trail had left from Budds Beach, crossed the highway and drifted in a straight line to the pub. Sorry that should have read ‘drink stop’.

The pack looked to be in a state of bemusement, some appeared guilty at not having actually done anything physical whereas the remainder seemed relieved at doing nothing physical. Pretty much standard Monday fare then.

No Flasher tonight as he is suffering from man flu, spare him a sympathetic thought, as he is only half size it will be twice as bad.

Once the froth had been blown from a cold one or two, we moved en-mass to the clock hotel; it felt like a splinter lunch at nighttime.

The food – a choice of three mains dishes – were on special, which entailed a complicated system of ordering in twos and dividing the bill. Clearly way too much of a cerebral challenge as four hashers didn’t have to pay anything for their meal, due to the generosity of others.

The rump, chips and veg were fabulous, as Phantom put it “they always taste better when you haven’t paid” He was bang on the money. Sir Slab confirmed the Salmon was just as good.

Duly satiated we left and set off back to Budds Beach for the circle. Miscarriage must have been very tired as he was unable to cross the highway in a straight line and stopped in the middle of the road for several minutes to retrieve a $2 coin. Its not like it’s a busy road.

Opposite chateaux Shat, a nude man was observed in Shat’s kitchen, clearly it wasn’t Shat, he’s never normally standing at this time of night, possibly a ‘dial a threesome guy’.

Kilkenny made his second appearance of the evening thanks to the thoughtfulness of our booze master and the proceedings were captured on an iPhone as Blue Card has pawned the Hash camera. A light shower ensued (was this why we cancelled the athletics?) this prompted Blue Card to urge along the proceedings, as he was ‘wetter than a 23 year old girl with three guys’

The Hare was squeezed out into the circle like a troublesome pimple and so began the Miscarriage show. First in the firing line was Moonbeams, a perennial whinger, who had complained bitterly that a St Patrick’s Day run should not be held in Reedy Creek, causing the Hare to relocate. Where was Moonbeams tonight? As Miscarriage explained “the C#nt didn’t turn up”

Visitor/returner – Piss Poor, a long time missing from our fold but hoping to make the splinter lunch.

DD to Cum Smoke for being at the drink stop before anyone else

Sir Slab was invited to make comment on the recent Cuba trip but showed some reluctance and passed the opportunity to Testicles. Surprising really, if you used the adage ‘loose lips sink ships’ then at a recent circle, Slab sank an armada.

Once he had seen Testicles struggle to get some form of a coherent story out, Slab picked up the super-grass mantle once more informing of a progressively aging rum consumption tale which lead to one hasher giving an unforgettable speech which he doesn’t remember making. Slab refused to name and shame.

However, the evenings’ Ringmaster; Miscarriage relished in revealing the Hasher as his best mate Sir Prince Valiant. DD to Princey.

Rumours that an unknown hasher was seen leaving Sir Slabs room in stockings and a strapless number????

Another Hasher found to bargaining for sexual favours, that will be a DD to Princey again thanks to Miscarriage.

Caustic explained that Missing Link was knocked from his Bike last week by bloke opening a car door (that reminds me I still owe him a carton) a dislocated shoulder and several broken ribs still didn’t stop Link from hitting the pub later in the day.

It also didn’t stop a certain Hasher insisting that Link cut his grass today. Who would stoop to such a level of depravity? Well, Miscarriage pointed the finger at Sir Prince again. DD prince.

POW Veteran decided that the biggest sinner (isn’t that on channel 10) of the week would be the pr*ck, who would have guessed it, Princey out once more with the worst attempt at the yard glass so far this year.

Charges from the floor lead to Miscarriage highlighting two of the free fooders – Sir Rabbit and …………………Yep Sir Prince. DD to both.

Splinter lunch on Friday at the Royal Peacock, Tedder Ave, Main Beach close to where the inaugural lunch (100 meals ago) took place. Will Sir Rabbit be found pissed in a garden again. Who knows, apparently there is a copious quantity of red on the menu.

Next weeks run – Sir AH at Mudgeraba see the web for full details.

From Blackie – don’t forget the trophies for the AGPU and the bike ride has been rearranged for 22 April.

End of Circle by Josephine who is fast approaching his 25^th year with our hash.

Thanks to Circumference for the organization of a very enjoyable evening.

On On

Rectum

Hang On a Sec

Don’t believe a word of it.

Trinity Hash Hash AGPU run of the year goes to Goatfarker. He brought the Gold Coast Gourmet Hash style to the far north!!

Run 1845
Date : 12th March 2013
Hare : Moonbeams and Caustic
Venue : Cascade Gardens
Runners 23

Weeks to the Reedy Creek run – never, it doesn’t exist

Cascade Gardens. Again. Not so much like bumping into an old friend, more sitting next to the same lunatic on the bus home everyday.

Nonetheless a reasonable sized turnout despite the forever possibility of showers. The expected route was bound to contain elements such as the boardwalk at the rear of Cascade, the boardwalk behind the exhibition centre, not to mention the numerous dead end cul-de-sacs that run up to the water on the way to the casino.

Our hare issued instructions and set us on our way northbound. The trail lead in a large loop where everyone lost the plot before heading back to the boardwalk at the rear of Cascade Gardens (really). We ran parallel to the Highway before entering the boardwalk at the rear of the exhibition centre (who would have guessed) then over the bridge whereupon many false trails lead into (wait for it) the numerous cul-de-sacs on our way southbound to Hooker Boulevard. Left turn Clyde down to the Casino where most got lost and returned on home back up the highway. A steady six km.

Starters in the form of chips and an indiscernible dip were served; this was followed by a carefully served (not a lot to go around) beef curry and rice. A dessert of fruit pies with fruit in liquor and ice cream finished off the meal.

Circle was called by the stand-in GM – Crocodile, and the hares brought out

Miscarriage gave comment on the run – went there, over there, back here, casino and on home, lovely. 6.8/10
Blue Card was unable to comment on the walk as there was no trail
Missing Link stated of the food – quite good when you got some, sweets terrific 7.8/10

Visitors –

Paul, new runner, soap dodger from east London has been travelling round the world and was brought by Kevin – Who the f%ck is Kevin?
Sometimes I do and Sister Maureen, hashers from Garden city, Christchurch, NZ have been on the Gold Coast a year. Sometimes I do originally from Vladivostok, which lead to questions re the Russian Mafia and real estate on Sovereign Island.

Rug enthralled all with a rendition of ‘what happened this date in yesteryear’ which rather convolutedly lead to a DD for Botcho due to Alexander Fleming.

Rectum took to the floor as stand-in RA, even though the RA was here, and before he could even begin Iceman over spoke his little piece. DD to Iceman as much as for that as the joke last week. DD to Elvis for turning up, staying to eat and wearing new shoes. DD to Hard On for once more not wearing a hash shirt. DD to Croc for reversing into a post in the car park, DD to Blue Card for keeping Botcho waiting with last weeks photo’s. DD to Caustic for plagiarism of a hash song, even though it sounds as though Flasher may have been the actual culprit.
Yes the power went to my head, but be grateful, if the lady from NZ had not been present there would have been more ice than the last time Ben Cousins went to see Torville and Dean.

From Blackie, please return any awards from the AGPU last year so that they may be engraved for this year.

Joke from Kitchen Bitch about the new Viagra sleeping pill. Very funny.

Elvis (yes he was still there at the end) informed us of the recent UK court decision, apparently calling an Australian, fat and stupid is not racist. See Cum Smoke.

No POW as Veteran cant make it this far south.

DD to Elvis for running over the RA’s blue suede shoes, serial offender

Next Weeks Run – Best to check the web page, as we were to give the much-lauded Reedy Creek jaunt a go, but the latest is a St Patrick’s Day piss up starting at Budds Beach.

End of Circle by Moonbeams

Thanks to Moonbeams for the de-ja-vu run, food and to Caustic for lending a hand. Again.

PS from Ferret, Testicles and Flasher seen at Cancun MX airport being detained by customs for ‘inappropriate DVD’s’.

On On

Rectum
Hang On a Sec
Don’t believe a word of it.

Run 1844
Date : 5th March 2013
Hare : Two Dogs
Venue : Paradise Point
Runners 20

Weeks to going home in dry trainers – 6 according to the weather bureau

On arrival at the venue numbers looked to be well down, surely the still wet weather hadn’t dented everyone’s enthusiasm? As the clock progressed steadily towards 6.15pm the head count swelled at about the same pace as the wind strength. Once the hare had finished constructing a rather elaborate wind defence mechanism we were instructed on the weekly changing system of route markings and pointed in the direction of Sovereign Island.

Fortunately the rain faltered, rather like a piss after sex, so our first dry start in weeks. I don’t know who had opened a large can of moral fortitude but of the 17 of us gathered at the start, two walked, two remained and THE REST RAN.

Miscarriage and the newly mobile Botcho set off at a cracking pace and followed the trail to Paradise Point’s fine dining establishments where shortly afterwards it led to the preceding trail here (in reverse). The rainfall had taken quite a toll on the markings, so bursting with an overabundance of local knowledge; Miscarriage took Botcho and Myself on 2km shortcut into the now driving rain.

The trail itself turned towards Oxley drive, where I left behind Miscarriage (who had pulled a muscle)(karma?) and then caught up to Missing Link, Iceman, Ken and Two Dogs (who was rather conscientiously remarking the trail). We ran parallel with Columbus drive until Bayview street where most starburst and took their own route home. Genius that I am, I went down a dead end and managed to put another 1.5km on the nights tally.

All in all, well marked with enough checks and anywhere from 6 – 9.7 km. Most importantly a very good effort by the huge band of runners and who has seen Caustic that red faced before? (disregarding the ‘incident’ with the vacuum cleaner)

Cheese and crackers were supplied for nibbles as the bbq’s were expertly attended to by Moonbeams and Two Dogs, I noticed the Hashers were huddled in groups of four, Rug explained “We’ve all had threesomes and so decided on a new challenge”.

Moonbeams eventually dished out the preliminary Exxon Valdez snags on the obligatory buttered bread, as I swallowed the final bite I immediately telephoned the Environmental Protection Agency due to the anticipated hazard that the grease released from my snag was likely to cause. They will be cleaning wildlife up for weeks.

Thai burgers arrived next with onions, tomato and lettuce. Josephine was overheard commenting “No competition really, where’s the beetroot and pineapple?” lets not forget the plastic cheese either.

Dessert was served in the form of Trifle, see below.

What a conundrum, how does an Aussie construct an English trifle – jelly with sherry infused sponge cake topped with custard, cream and sprinkles when an ex-pat struggles so badly?

Stand-in GM; Croc, opened circle and enquired of the RA what the things in the sky were, stars apparently.

Two Dogs was brought out and watched on as Caustic and Veteran were given DD’s for getting so far off trail. Botcho gave comment on the run –‘well marked considering the conditions, bit of chiggy, 8 and a bit.

Sir Rabbit extolled the finer points of the meal before scoring at 7.4, incidentally just below the score his food received last week.

Returners –

Bouncer – came to pay Link for services rendered
Ken – enjoyed it so much last time
Iceman – researching a new joke
Miscarriage – back in the fold
Veteran and Blue Card – not listening as taking photos

Ken was left in the circle and named as ‘Gob Smacked’ as a result of his facial expression at his last run. (I blame the trifle)

Croc then gave a DD to “the arsehole of the week’ – Cum Smoke – for choosing to sit in his new car and smoke rather than run. By the way, how’s that new exercise regime going? When you said you were aiming for 50 a day, I guess you didn’t mean press-ups.

RA took to the circle and gave a DD to Veteran for his one-man show at the last splinter lunch and DD to Blue Card for not attending at the last run. Sir Rabbit informed us that last weeks pies have been found as far afield as Burleigh, Pizza is thought to be the one disposing of them irresponsibly.

After a five-week break, Iceman stepped up to the plate with a joke about ties, thanks to the strong winds the groans could be heard in Yatala. Five weeks was evidently not long enough.

POW proxy Caustic had patently given no thought to the matter and weakly pushed it into the hands of the easy target – Veteran, for both the Splinter lunch incident and tonight’s directional mismanagement. The ale was quaffed in very good fashion.

Next weeks run – Caustic & Moonbeams Cascade Gardens Broadbeach.
End of circle by Josephine as Moonbeams bailed out early.

A big hand to Two Dogs, his assistant and all of you maintaining the ‘Harrier’ in our name.

On On

Rectum
Hang On a Sec
Don’t believe a word of it.

Run 1842
Date : 18th February 2013
Hare : Caustic Crusader
Venue : Crown Green Bowling Club, Kalimna Court, Gold Coast
Runners 23ish

Weeks to Cum Smoke, the front running bastard – 10

For weeks now, Caustic has been dropping hints about just how good this run was to be. Still on a high from his last Reedy Creek outing big things were expected and so he looked distinctly crestfallen when we all met at an alternate venue due to the anticipated precipitation.

No Botcho tonight, taking the GM’s wife out for her birthday.

Yes, it was wet and had been for several days, the skies were decidedly ominous and the appearance of several hashers in anoraks lead no one to the impression that they might dodge the onslaught. That is, excepting the hare, who decided to avoid getting his hair wet running a live hare and instead stay at the club drinking.

Unperturbed, at least ten of us hardy souls embarked Northbound with a variety of intentions regarding route and duration. Dashing to the front Miscarriage trotted off to a fine pace and lead us all up the garden path, well more along the canal shoreline, as the rains began their steady decent.

After climbing over numerous slippery jetties, boat lines and other injury threatening obstacles we emerged back at the original start point, despite having completed less than a kilometre, this was clearly the hint for the peloton to ‘right turn Clyde’ back into the warm, dry and alcohol laden venue.

That left only the die-hards (or idiots if you prefer) Miscarriage, Two Dogs, the GM and myself; to continue under bundall road, around Albert park, back down Monaco Street and on home. A mere 5.37 km according to the dogs GPS gismo, but enjoyable none the less

The edges of our thirsts were slaked on a cold one outside the venue after which we all reunited inside the bowls club. As I entered the premises a question formed in my mind – “Why the hell had Caustic chosen this place for the run?”
As I ordered my drink from the bar it was obvious that there were two reasons, two very big reasons in fact.

That reminds me, two blokes in a pub, one returns from the bar very red faced. His mate asks ‘what’s up’.
“Well, you see the barmaid”
‘The one with the low cut top and huge t#ts?”
‘Yes, I meant to ask her for two pints of bitter, but by mistake I asked for two pints of titter’
“Don’t worry about it” replied his mate “It’s a Freudian slip, I do it all the time. Sunday morning I was having breakfast with the wife, I put down the paper and I meant to say can you pass me the milk please”
‘What did you actually say’?
“You make my life a f$cking misery”

The venue-arranged-food, either chicken schnitzel or seafood equivalent, was served in an adjacent dining room that looked as though it belonged in an old folks home. The only things missing were the strong odour of piss and a creepy guy to clean the drool of your chin.

Despite this, the food was more than adequate, fresh, tasty, good quality and best of all cheap. Flasher please note the appearance of non-Italian gravy – one containing garlic, salt, pepper and flavour.

During the meal I was asked if I knew where Cum Smoke was, as he has not made an appearance since before Christmas (and his Asia trip) I can only presume that either the antibiotics are not kicking in yet or he is in serious training. After all, he laid the gauntlet firmly at my feet several months ago when he took up his boxercise class with the intention of “smashing them on the Wednesday Hash, then giving you a run for your money” Bring it on.

Circle convened by the GM, as Kitchen Bitch attempted, rather poorly, to reduce the volume on the TV. Technology and the aged just don’t mix. (that’s what happens when you sell the last of the eggs)

The GM invited the Hare out and explained that the venue had been changed as Caustic had no head cover. You could try Advanced hair studios as it worked for Warnie.

Miscarriage, with tongue firmly in cheek, commented the run was well marked, good calling from the front.

Returner – Phantom – who has been here every Monday apparently
Miscarriage – on Palm Island (is that a metaphor for w%nking?)

RA’s corner – self-imposed DD for the rain, DD to Flasher for abuse re venue change.

Joke by Croc, which is currently enjoying its bicentennial celebrations.

POW, Kitchen Bitch took aim at most of the pack –

Caustic – for taking Pizzas shower wall gyprock
Miscarriage – large appendage
Flasher – for contents of POW bag
Rectum and Rug – soap dodging
Anyone encouraging migrants

Finally Miscarriage was chosen but a proxy was required as he wont be here next week. The proxy was elected as Sir Rabbit, who, incidentally had contributed most to KB getting it in the first place. Possibly a coincidence.

Next Weeks Run – Sir Rabbit at the newly renovated Rabbits Bar and Grill, Southport

Best wishes to Rock Hard, the current owner of 14 stitches due to causes unknown. Husbands find out eventually.

DD to Link for the hoax email, which he claimed was passed on in good faith (like AIDS? – Caustic)

Sir Prince currently basking in a 7degree heat wave on the homeland. Don’t forget to send him as many emails as possible whilst he is away, to make him feel as though he was missed when he gets back. You can get him on [email protected]

End of Circle by Josephine as Moonbeams was sporting a sore throat (and hangover)

Thanks to the barmaid for brightening up a dull night.

On On

Rectum
Hang On a Sec
Don’t believe a word of it.

Run 1840
Date : 11th February 2013
Hare : Flasher
Venue : Tamworth Drive, Helensvale
Runners 31ish

Weeks to the delivery of my Cuban cigar – 6

Work intervened in my Hashing once more, so I was a little tardy in arriving at the venue. Consequently all I saw was the backs of the walkers heading up a grassy knoll with the words of Flasher hanging behind me on the gentle breeze. They were “I did this run just for you Rectum”.

Up the never ending hill some ran, some trudged and the rest wheezed. Over the top we emerged by the Movie World junction of the M1 where we crossed under the flyover. The trail, which was well marked, pointed off towards Wet and Wild hugging the motorway before indicating right into the depths of the salubrious Studio Village.

Skirting a fence line I had made my way to the pointy end of the pack and reached the first of a large number of checks. After finding no solution to the first two suggested directions I returned to the check and was a little puzzled as to where the rest of the pack were. Never saw the short cutting b#st%rds again.

Persevering on, I climbed more hills than Julie Andrews and being a cast of one, I had the privilege of searching out each and every check, becoming steadily more disheartened. Finally the trail lead back parallel to Binstead way at which point I observed the pedestrian bridge back over the motorway, beckoning to me like a mermaid on the rocks.

Once over the bridge, the trail lead along an ankle-breaking track suitable for Chamois or Range Rovers only. Sensing that home was not far away I began the climb towards the water tower, by now it was profoundly dark and without torch (yes I am an idiot) it wasn’t long before I was lost. As I began the descent from the tower I realized that even Bear Grylls would have given this route a miss. Thankfullly a kind citizen with a torch assisted me back to Discovery Drive, so I began the final 1k home. 10.94km according to Google earth.

It wasn’t long before I came across the massive search party, which was looking in earnest for me. They were eating at the venue, but just about to start looking.

Somebody once warned me about Flashers food, I think it was his wife, but when you are cold and hungry anything will do. Or so I thought. There was bread, noodles and a thin gravy containing copious quantities of beef, onions, bacon?, water chestnuts? The mixture had been cleverly cooked so that all the flavour was missing.

Dessert appeared to be some form of savoury mince and carrots with a béchamel topping. Flasher claimed it was trifle, if so it must have been inspired by Heston Blumenthal. Botcho polished his dish-full off, so it cant have been too bad.

Circle called (many times) the run was christened the ‘Inaugural Helensvale Shit House Run’ due to the vicinity of the local crapper. KB commented, “In that case the food was directly proportional to the location”

KB stated that the run was marked to perfection, Croc said that he had “walked the run” whilst Moonbeams gave the juxtaposition “I ran the walk”

A general onslaught by all was made in the direction of the food comments – Ferret “better than the corned beef and cabbage, but not much”, Rectum “the carrots were very tender”. Flasher retorted with the explanation that it was a true Italian dish: hence no garlic. Botcho Inquired if Italians use herbs and Moonbeams added do Italians use salt and pepper. Caustic felt the closest comparison to Italy was that it tasted like a roman thong. Rock Hard questioned if that was a G banger.

DD to Josephine by the GM for “shortest short cut”

Returners

Moonbeams – St Tropez and Thailand
Blue Card – not interesting
Point Two – honing crown green skills

Visitors

Mother Brown – visiting UK, NZ
Ring Master – first hash in Australia
Kurt – Annual bludging at the GM’s
Botcho – for no apparent reason brought the GM a present (this weeks suckworth)

What’s a suckworth? According to Link about $35

RA’s moment in the spotlight, whilst travelling to hash last week saw a hasher in training – DD to Veteran for failing to secure transport to hash.
Aussie, sporting a ‘proud to be Aussie’ T-shirt proudly driving a new Japanese car.
DD to Ken, virgin runner, found us through the website, yes it does work.
Lengthy build up to Flasher getting a DD for supply of a banned hash liquid – Gossips wine.
DD to Croc for new shoes although Josephine’s looked much newer.

POW Caustic informed us that the mountain biking contingent were embarrassed somewhat when Shat, attempting a skid stop, was thrown from his machine, removing bark from the elbow and breaking a toe. Whilst the café full of patrons indicated scores a la ice-skating, Shat hurriedly remounted, set off and once more hit the tarmac halfway across the promenade, leaving one spectator to comment “should that man be riding a bike at his age?” I feel the pride may take longer to heal than the toe.

Do we really need this on our trash report Caustic. Not a pretty sight

Back to the POW, which meta-morphasised in to the Prick of Truth. This was Caustic’s attempt to ascertain who had turned the gas supply off, causing Flashers food to stop cooking and prompting an explosion (directed at Caustic) by Flasher that Krakatoa would have been proud of.

Sir Rabbit was fingered and in true ‘sir’ style (remember Slab from the other week) he immediately rolled and identified KB as the culprit. KB took it on the chin and quaffed the ale in good fashion.

Next weeks run Caustic at S.W. Labrador (Reedy Creek)

End of Circle by Moonbeams

Thanks to Flasher for a very long hilly run, no complaints here and for the unusual food choice, which he did by himself not as a team of six.

On On

Rectum
Hang On a Sec
Don’t believe a word of it.