Run 1899
Date:24/03/2014
Location:Robina
Hare: Pile Driver & Bent Banana
Runners:24

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Run Report from The Hash – “Stig”

With many runners absent, a rather good sized group of 23 members gathered around at 18:15 anxiously waiting news from Pile Driver about his first Run.  He indicated as he did not wish to upset anybody he kept it short, with only a couple checks.

There was confusion at the beginning as there was an arrow or 2 washed away from in front of a nearby Car yard and Bent Banana decided to take the runners through the yard, rather than around. Trouble. The yard was completely fenced off. However the situation was quickly rectified and the trail led down towards the railway line.  A couple checks later and the group looked suspiciously at a fenced property development where the arrows pointed. Alas, Miscarriage the Project Manager who was not present to give or refuse permission,  the hounds entered the development block.

After some checking in the middle of the block the trail led down to the water, and through another recently opened fence. Thanks for that Miscarriage, but you will need to use water trucks to keep the dust down and also leave the gates open before we decide to come back.

Several smart checks and false trails followed and these worked effectively as most of the runners at this point were back together. It was a beautiful run and walk along the waters edge over areas where the hash had never ran before.

After about half hour the checks stopped and the run home was mostly-off road and very well marked. It was purposely rather long (8.8 Klms), as with the GC Marathon on the horizon, the hares thought the lads needed a good workout.

Rectum was back after 55mims, followed by Flasher and then Ice Man and Rug around 1 hr 15 mins. Unfortunately there was some shortcutting and the usual sledging among the runners about who did and did not complete the whole trail, with some added disquiet about use of proper markings.

The Circle started off with Show Pony who took a down down for his trouble, somebody asked him if he was on day leave.. Show Pony remarked “not sure if I am on day leave or out for an extended period”.

The joint Hares were Pile Driver and Bent Banana with Pile Driver being primarily responsible for the nosh and assisted with the run by Bent Banana. Rectum’s comment on the run was that he arrived 10 minutes late and when he started the run they had only progressed 100m so apparently there was a total debacle before the athletes had got out of the blocks. In a further demonstration of no holds barred feedback,

Rectum said there were ridiculous checks at the beginning and there should be no excuses that it was Pile Driver’s first run. Rectum scored the run a 3.25 but Ice Man in a more generous spirit towards a first run Hash Man gave it a 7.93.

Rug our resident food critic said the nosh reminded him of his old boarding school days and the special meals of mince and cabbage he used to enjoy. He said the highlight was the chocolate éclairs for desert but unfortunately the one he ate, had soap in the chocolate but in spite of that he gave the Nosh a 6.5.

Returning runners were Slug, The Big O, Fanny Charmer and Rob the brother of Full of Shit. Rob scored the run a 10 either indicating he was attempting a huge suck up or at the Hash club in the Philippines they just have no idea, whatever.

Fanny Charmer took a hit for giving IT advice on his phone during the run.

Aussie was singled out as he no longer owned a bank but apparently was networking with all banks. Not sure if he has gone into the bank robbing business or the finance consulting business.

The guest RA was Rug.

Bent Banana was called out for his poor trail marking skills which had resulted in the pack running around in circles at the beginning of the run.

Apparently this very area was the location where Circumference had taken a fall on a previous Hash run and had sued the Gold Coast Council for millions but had settled for a pittance on the steps of the court. He was once again observed for trying to generate some extra income for the Hash by suddenly stopping to tie his shoes on the run and Botcho absolutely rear ended him and cried out “we can settle in court”.

Rectum took a drink as a serial whinger for complaining that the marks set by Bent Banana were “doing his head in”. Flasher took a drink for actually doing the whole run for a change.

Rectum was due to award to POW to a worthy recipient but said he had come straight from work and did not bring it. I could see no reason why he could not have worn it all day instead of a nail bag at work.

The meeting was called to a close by Show Pony as a lookalike for Josephine who was a lookalike for Moonbeams……go figure!

From Caustic

Latest  South African Door Lock

 

This one deserves an Oscar!!

 

 

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Run 1898
Date:17/03/2014
Location:On the River at Broadbeach Heights
Hare: Ball Point & Sir AH
Runners:26

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The Run

POW

Finally at 8.58 it was good to again hear these familiar words of Moonbeams echoed by none other than his stand in protégé Josephine

 ……………………………………END OF CIRCLE

 Acting Again OnSec for Blue Card who phoned in with Tummy pains at 4.30…he alleged that the Muesli and Banana that was fed to him early am on Chevron Island caused this issue.

 …………Guess his body went into shock at healthy food!!

On On

Swindler

Run 1897
Date:10/03/2014
Location:Labrador
Hare: Veteran
Runners:31

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Our GM was MIA reportedly in the Gulf of Thailand on his surf board looking for a lost aeroplane. This was triggered by a report that Flasher may have been on board and given his recent tirades against half the population of the world and his religious beliefs he may well have been targeted.

The acting GM Sir Black Stump had been keeping one eye on proceedings stood into the breach and called up the Circle.  Swollen Colon was asked to comment on the run and said he was at the back of the field until everybody went in all different directions and he went from zero to hero and was leading the pack. Botcho contributed that he thought the arrows were one kilometre apart and at one stage runners had to cross 4 lanes of traffic at Harbour Town at it is lucky all returned alive. He gave the run a generous score of 5 out of 10.

The Croc representing the walkers said there were a few arrows in the beginning but as usual the walkers had to make their own trail. Two Dogs was selected to comment on the Nosh as he was usually the first to eat and had the longest time to think about the quality of the meal. In a good attempt at the Brevity of the Night Award, he said “yeah adequate”. Shat always very philosophical  said Aldi pies are better and theirs are awful. But a voice from the crowd really said it all and offered a positive note, the pies were better than Nasty’s pies.

Visitors included two boat people Fanny Charmer and Latrine and were heard speaking in a foreign tongue like boat people.

Sir Prince reported on the Brunswick Heads weekend organised by Nasty who was a no show. Sir Prince summed up the weekend as an alcoholics weekend for 8.

Full of Shit announced he had a bike for sale and then somebody said how come he is selling it. He volunteered that he sells them as a business. Poor old Show Pony goes into hospital and somebody is trying to grab his business.

The returners included Rug, Head Job, Jigsaw, Veteran and Latrine.

The RA kicked off by calling out Full of Shit for turning up to the run on a Segway and was asked “is this the step when you are runner, then a walker and then can’t walk anymore?” It seems Full of Shit had left a fine quality collapsible chair last week and this was positioned on the Segway to create a new form of transport.

• Shat AKA Peter Foster was called in as a stand-in for Peter from last week who after taking 7 down downs last week for some reason didn’t show this week.
• Fanny Charmer for having a plastic utensils box with FC labelled on the box. Nothing like self promotion.
• Head Job for leaving the gates open at Manus Island, no wonder he is no longer working for the refugee containment policy.
• Jigsaw as a lookalike for Show Pony.
• Botcho for raiding the crab pots of Show Pony on Saturday night while poor old Show Pony was in hospital.

POW was awarded by Hard On and after a few worthy candidates, was given to the stand out performer Madame Latrine who went around the table after lunch on Friday picking up all the leftover plates and then proceeded to eat some of the leftovers.  Circumference wanting the last word called out Sir Rabbit as there was apparently a new bounty for naming anybody keeping a rabbit. To be fair, the hare Veteran was also called out.

End of Circle called by Josephine, as a Show Pony lookalike.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… CAUSTICS JOKES

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..  He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman… Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . …….

Wait for it …… …….

It’s coming ……. …….

The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?

She said …… …….:

‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

Hash Ambulance

A Non Causic Entry

Hasher applies for a passport…..

AUSTRALIAN LETTER – I think the sender might have been upset!This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.  The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !Dear Mr Minister, I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date ? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand ? My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966. Also… would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!! SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide? I apologize, Mr Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there! And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).  And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate – and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day? Nooooo…that’d be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some ‘high-society’ wanker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo… the one where we’re not allowed to smile?…you bloody morons. Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen. P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in ‘high-society’ to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL….Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year. However, your rules require that I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am; you know…someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!…a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers – and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the “right sort of government”.. You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

 

Run 1896
Date:3/03/2014
Location:Currumbin
Hare: Now Loved
Runners:27

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The GM called Circle Up which turned out to be a sitting circle in a rectangle. The GM asked Two Dogs for some wise words on the run and he responded VD has f#*ked up a good run. Missing Link in an obvious attempt in a giant suck up to the GM said it was a fabulous run. Truck Tires when asked to comment on the nosh was equally in a suck up mood and had none of Rug’s usual edgy comments and just said it was very good. However, as a bachelor Trucky thinks any nosh is very good.

Caustic living up to his name said the steak was gristly and as there were no lights he could not see what he was eating. Kitchen Bitch got a round of applause for once again stepping in as Master Chef in the hash trailer kitchen. It is becoming a regular event that KB jumps in as the Master Chef so preparing a nosh is not a difficult job anymore. A voice from the crowd awarded the nosh 10.6 out of 10 in a further attempt to curry favour with the GM.

Our visitor Ballpoint was given the Useless Shirt Award for the night as he apparently got off trail and was seen heading North towards the nature trail over Burleigh Heads. Sir Prince Valiant who turned 65 years young donated two cartons of crownies to the night. He can now go to Centrelink and get his pension however we are a bit concerned on a pension next year whether he can afford crownies or whether we will be getting Aldi beer from Chile.

Rabbit, Ferret and Sir Black Stump were mentioned in dispatches as knowing the Centrelink lurks and/or discounts that will now be available to Sir Prince. Apparently it was Caustic’s birthday last week and there were still left over crownies this week which seems hard to believe there would be leftovers but as yours truly could not attend last week the crownies tasted particularly good this week.

It was Show Pony’s birthday this week but as he was not in the Circle, Josephine as a Show Pony look alike was called out for a drink. Personally I think that is an insult to Show Pony.

Missing Link was recognised for having done 700 runs and he reckoned it has cost him about $8,000 and he is wondering if it was all worthwhile.

Aussie took out two awards, Telstra Phone Purchaser of the Year and the Apple Iphone Dickhead award for losing both his phone and his wife’s phone in NZ in three days last week.

Visitors this week were Full of Shit from Darwin, who unlike most of you other hashers who are full of it, he is constantly reminded with his Hash name and Peter (yet to be named) who was introduced to Hash in Hong Kong by going on one run. Both these guys are now living on the Gold Coast and show the undesirable traits to be a good Hash man.

Full of Shit (FOS) requested that the GM take a DD not only riding his bike to set the run but riding his bike on the run. The RA jumped out into the Circle to take over proceedings and started by giving FOS a DD as he should know better than to question the actions of a GM. Our other visitor Peter, not to be left out, took a DD for taking charge of the walkers of which the RA was one, when he “told us where to go” as he seemed to know the local area pretty well for a recent immigrant.

Josephine took a DD for obviously being on drugs at the speed he shot past the RA on the run going in the wrong direction over a bridge then back again like a thoroughbred on steroids.

Peter apparently equalled or broke the record of DD’s for the night taking at least 7 on the night. Truck Tires got an honourable mention for the little kangaroo scrotum bag that he uses to secrete his money. Truck Tires had been given a large cow bell by the RA at the beginning of the night so that for once on the run he wouldn’t get lost and this seemed to work well so may become a regular occurrence.

Ballpoint regailled us with a story of how he had been conned by Pizza. Last week Pizza asked Ballpoint if he had set a few Hash runs and Ballpoint told him he had. To which Pizza replied next week is my run, I can do the nosh and the drinks no problem but I need somebody to set the run can you help me out? To which Ballpoint readily agreed as it didn’t seem to onerous. During the week Pizza called him up as the next stage of the sting to inform Ballpoint that Pizza had a problem as he couldn’t attend on his run and was there any chance that Ballpoint could also organise the nosh.

Sorry Ballpoint we should have warned you about Pizza but the good thing is if you with a bit of help organise the nosh it will no doubt be far ahead of what Pizza would have organised based on past performances. As Caustic said, there is a god.

Next week’s run for a change will be at Labrador and set by Veteran.

End of Circle.

Jokes for The Week (compliments of Caustic and his depraved email forwarding mates!)

Hash Exam

BENEFITS OF BECOMING AN OLD HASHMAN

As Hashman age there comes new Multi tasking skills !!??

You can Laugh,Cough,Sneeze,Fart and Pee all at the same time !!

On On

Blue card

At 42.851 minutes BB was followed by Two Dogs and Shetland. .both concurred with BB’s comments on the run and then proceed to outdo each other talking crap about hills, broken trees, hidden holes and flowing creeks. Was this run actually on the Gold Coast??

As more beer was opened and consumed as heavy discussion ensured about how they would find the lost hashman!!!.

1.The 6 removalists on the run who help move the Pool table of its Pommie Owner. Fanny Charmer was reported to do most of the heavy lifting while AH was reported to have left his other 5 mates to do the job!!

2.Rectum for running extra Km and actually sweating ( see Poms do really sweat)

3.Nasty ..took keys from Booze master so he did not have to wait for a drink…has this guy got a drinking problem or is he really smart & on the ball?

 4.Aussie …how can he get 400 runs and not be here? Crawling up the proverbial of the GM with a gift from NZ.. a fluffy sheep key ring with a Kiwi hanging off the rear end!!.how crude.

5.Sir Prince. Now 1500 runs but Princess wants to know where he was on the other 385 runs? Could be in need of legal advice soon!!

6.Shetland reported that daddy (Show Pony after 50 days in hospital) was doing well but when closely questioned could not answer if Show Pony was as yet able to throw his leg over.

7.Iceman then reported that Show Pony was back to normal and getting free coffees from nearby boat owners so all seems back to normal.

8.Moonbeams for showing total lack of compassion and caring…But guess he can be forgiven after what he has been through in the last few months

 9.Lurch & Josephine for projectile vomiting coming up a small hill..”Chuck it up… Chuck it up “

10.Dr Jeffery (alias GM Now Loved) for not only giving unlicensed medical advice but also supply of the drugs to Caustic who is still suffering acute gout (does not realize he is drinking too much and that is causing that big red throb!!!).

Finally at 9.05 Good to again hear these familiar words of Moonbeams

……………………………………END OF CIRCLE

Acting On Sec

Swindler