Run 1906
Date:12/05/2014
Location: Allambe Cemetery – the Sewerage Memorial Run
Hare: Bent Banana
Runners: 36

Run Report from The Hash – “Stig” .
Around 36 hounds turned up at the Allambe Cemetery for another Sewerage Memorial Run.
The Hare Bent Banana revealed that during his afternoon nap, between cooking, cleaning and run setting that he received a vision. Sewerage appeared as an apparition before him. Sewerage apparently said: BB I have noticed after 20 years of assembling here in my honor that many hashers are now looking weary, tired and old.

I am concerned that some of the older farts may have a heart attack or just drop dead on my watch, so please make some Re Groups tonight. BB responded that the Run he has set will not be too long, there will be large arrows in safe places, there will only be a couple checks and there will be two RGs. Rest in Peace Sewerage.
With that message the walkers and runners headed out and down through the Nerang Railway station.
Incredibly there were only 10 runners, with most obviously clinging to Sewerage’s concern and doing the walk.
The run was fairly predictable, with the trail continuing down past Sir Rabbit’s old pad “The Villas”, up to the Freeway for the second check and then south to Nerang – Broadbeach road, for the second RG. At this point the two frontrunners, Flasher and Miscarriage, were engaged in some conversation and ran through a massive RG .

Hey is anyone surprised? The others regrouped and waited for the back runner Ice Man to catch up. It was then down several side streets towards the train station, a loop to the right through the All Sports club and playing fields and then under the train line. It was finally across the wide open field where Botcho & Dogs led the pack up to Sewerage’s final resting place. All over in 35 – 40 mins.
Sir Prince conducted the Eulogy, mentioning also the other departed ex GC hashers, in particular Useless who left us during the current year. Sir Rabbit played a memorial (21 fart tribute) salute to Sewerage and others which was followed by a Hash Hymn and a touch of port.

STIG REPORT ENDS!

An eager crowd of Hashers gathered round the luxurious pool and pool house at the rear of Bent Banana’s house.

Our special guest Lion from Myanmar (Burma) was in awe of the huge Bali style residence and pool. One can only wonder at the thoughts going through his head – is Bent Banana a governor or a corrupt chief of police? Why do they call him Bent?

It was indeed a prestigious night as the GM had returned from Bali for a fly in fleeting visit. Still looking suntanned with specs of surfboard wax on his knees he called up the circle poolside.
In an attempt to bond with the RA the GM asked him for his opinion on the run. The RA said the arrow’s were a bit short but there seem to be a surplus of chalk. He did have a complaint about the freshly mown paddock with the parallel rows of cut grass and being vertically challenged he was forced to imitate an Olympic hurdler to proceed forward.

For an alternate opinion Two Dogs offered that it was a good run and it was fortunate that when crossing the railway line at Nerang Station he was narrowly missed by the express from Robina to Beenleigh. He also liked the added feature of the ethnic experience with the members of the football team playing football.

Shat reported the walkers were extremely happy and all were smiling so a remarkably happy walk through a cemetery and an ethnic football match. The GM wanting to exert years authority said that although Two Dogs and scored the run at 8.25 he thought given that there was a slight variation on the run over the last 20 years he was given an extra .5 so scored at 8.75.

Show Pony asked to comment on the Nosh had a complaint that the first course of boiled potatoes were so good that instead of having one he had four and had trouble eating the main course. Pile Driver loved the meal and scored it 8.5 but of course everybody was holding their breath for the last word from Rug. In a rare moment of positive feedback Rug said the red curry was perfect, it was a good rich stew and the apple crumble for dessert was superb. He scored the Nosh as a 9 which in the living memory of the scribe may well be a record this year.

The returners/visitors were Lion and Seedy took the traditional drink. A specially selected returner was Josephine who explained that in an attempt to save a few lousy dollars he was working on his car with a wheel brace and for some inexplicable reason his finger got in the way of “a rock and a hard place” and severed his finger. Fortunately it appears not to be his social finger and through the miracle of modern medicine the finger was sown back on. Josephine we all wish you and your finger a full recovery.

KB and Blackie proudly announced that they had refurbished the trailer with a major overhaul and it was now fitted with 12 V lights so that the Hash trailer could be used in the darkest and remotest of settings without the need for mains power. It has been made Hash proof and all one has to do is plug in the inbuilt battery charger to recharge the battery overnight.

Speaking of bad fingers and sore hands the RA took pride of place in the circle and didn’t miss a chance to complain about the recent operation he had on his hand. Pile Driver announced it must be difficult for him to engage with Mrs Palmer and her five daughters!

The RA regaled us with a long tale of woe as to why he was not a Hash last week and he had admitted him self to hospital with a severe case of constipation. This seems to be a recurring theme in the Hash as not so many weeks ago missing link was complaining of the same medical condition. It appears it may be something to do with the Monday night Hash food. The expression “shit a brick” seems front of mind for the RA at the moment. Sir AH, Shat and Full of Shit were called out for a sympathy down down.

The POW was awarded from the current office holder VD to our special guest Lion who looked a bit bemused by the huge phallus he was made to strap on. He remarked that this was nothing like the week he had recently spent in a Buddhist temple in Myanmar.

Next week’s run will be set by KWAKKA and MOONBEAMS as a tagteam and will be at Varsity Lakes. More details to follow shortly.

To celebrate the return of Josephine and he was asked to get his finger out and call the circle to a conclusion.

END OF CIRCLE.

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FROM CAUSTIC……
The Reason Hashers Need To Drink Beer

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Run 1905
Date:5/05/2014
Location: Chevron Island
Hare: Swindler assisted by Shat assisted by Hard On assisted by Seedy assisted by Mrs Swindler assisted by Mrs Swindler’s sister
Runners: 38

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Run Report from The Hash – “Stig”

Swindler looked very concerned when facing the hounds around 6 PM as there was no sign of the hares. They apparently had been gone 3 hours. Hey it must be great to have 2 others do your run and on this occasion there were at least 3 others spotted later working in the kitchen. When Swindler makes GM, there will be no doubting his organisation abilities. Just like magic Shat and Hard On appeared at 6:15 pm, when some bullshit was uttered to the large crowd of 38 that the RUN was almost 10 km and there would be a surprise (drink stop hinted) about half way around.

It was off down Stanhill Drive and the trail, with several checks, meandered across and around Chevron Is., until the bridge on Bundall Rd., where there was a difficult check. At this point hounds regrouped and several then headed off under the bridge, some south, two west and many north.

Following some confusion, the IN trail was observed over Bundall Rd. and whilst Rectum heard an On Call, Bent Banana did not and headed off in the wrong direction and later attempted to follow the trail in reverse.

Very large arrows set the course, but not all at the regulation 30 paces. Botcho and Two Dogs led most of the way, or at least they were in the front group. Flasher, who had made a miraculous recovery from his injured ankle, followed closely behind with Lurch putting in a good finish.

In the meantime Bent Banana reached the horse stables alone and remembering the promised ”surprise” made a detour to Pizzas for an expected drink stop, only to find the Pizza Hut in darkness. Not to be out done, others sort out suspicious areas behind several suspect buildings along Bundall road. No surprises there either.

It was a good trot home, with Rectum and other FRBs back in just over 45 mins, after covering 7.6km.

 STIG REPORT ENDS!

A large group of eager Hash men had congregated on the terrace overlooking the magnificent Nerang River and Surfers Paradise lights by 6:12 PM however our three hares setting the run had not yet returned and had last been reported in a local watering hole sampling the Chevron Island brew. Much to the delight of Swindler all three rolled in just before kick off.

he runners generally came in on time around 7:05 including the mystery Stig. Nobody can be definitively ruled in or rolled out as the Stig but I can say it’s definitely not Moonbeams or Show Pony but if you want to back them in at long odds please let me know the odds you want and I’ll take your money.

Seedy one of the assistant nosh hares had been flown at great expense from Bathurst for the event. This was tipped to be a gourmet event to end all Hash gourmet events and Swindler had gone all out to impress the hierarchy.

Rectum had been busy all weekend finishing off the deck and the new glass balustrade had been installed literally hours before people arrived. The squillion dollar barbecue had never been switched on before and was put to the test with three large pieces of prime Angus beef roasting away. Particularly impressive was the window on the barbecue lid which provided some cheap entertainment while the meat was cooking.

Once again our GM was MIA and the eagle eyed Blackie stood in as the Minister for everything – GM, RA, HC, and POW.

The GM/RA/HC/POW asked Shat for a comment on the run showing an incisive selection for feedback as Shat had in fact set the run. Fanny Charmer said he was one of the three that did the full run so he was fully qualified to comment.

He said he headed up Upton Street went into the brothel where he stayed for two minutes and spent $275 and then proceeded through the Harvey Norman car park where he spent nothing. Aussie when commenting on behalf of the Walkers group said he had pulled a fetlock in Upton Street. This appears to be a new term for an old and basic function.

Blue card a.k.a. the Hash Scribe said he had extended his athletic prowess by going to the front gate of Swindler’s house and returning quickly back to guard the booze masters stock.

And now to the nosh. Let me paint the picture one long table running the full length of the splendid waterfront deck with a special Sirs table set at one end and a hierarchy table set at the other end. Exquisite hand embroidered tablecloths imported from a village in China and printed detailed menus of what was about to delight. All this illuminated by the glittering lights of Surfers Paradise.

Next at the pulpit was rectum who seemed intent on biting the hand that feeds. Not wanting to waste time praising all the wonderful things of the meal he thought he would cut to the chase and give some feedback for future improvement.

• The pumpkin soup was tougher than the bread.
• The gravy was good
• The apple strudel would have been better if it was cooked.

There were various down downs of which Ballpoint featured repeatedly and has become Sir Black Stump’s newest Serial Pest.

The POW was awarded to VD for some minor infringement which now escapes me however a well-deserved choice from my position. VD has recently rented his vacant industrial shed to an entrepreneur who has divided it into four bedrooms and a well appointed bar. It appears the premises are now used for swinging and I don’t believe it is a place for young children with swings.

Moonbeams was present to perform his very important duty.

END OF CIRCLE.

On On

Blue card

 

 

 

FROM CAUSTIC……

Socially Unacceptable Humour

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!

At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside!

Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.” 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”
 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I have been to St Vinnie’s to get all of her clothes back.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said “How can you tell them apart?”

He said “Her brother’s got a moustache.”
 

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.

I said, “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!”

Next thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!
 

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.

I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway

 

 

Run 1904
Date:28/04/2014
Location: Broadbeach Waters ..It is actually Florida Gardens I think ????
Hare: Fanny Charmer & Miscarriage
Runners: 28

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Run Report from The Hash – “Stig”

About 28hounds gathered at the back of Fanny Charmer’s house during intermittent rain. Following a petty argument about whether this was Florida Gardens or Broadbeach Waters between Ferret and Flasher, at 6:15 PM we were told that the run previously set was washed out. But an enthusiastic and smiling FC stated that he had just relayed most of the trail. This news somewhat disappointed our RA Miscarriage, who had just arrived in splendid executive work clothes; long-sleeve business shirt, long trousers and his trademark size 19 leather shoes.  He apparently had a plan B, the Postman’s Run, with sections of the trail in 5 sealed envelopes. The envelopes were not used and we all set out on FC’s trail.

There were very few arrows  at the start which lead to some consternation, but most knew it must eventually lead to  Monarco Street, the only option out of Florida Gardens. There was a check there and whilst Rug lead a team west along Monaco, Botcho & BB headed East. It was east and following another easy check near GC highway, the trail lead back and through Cascade Gardens. It was then a long slog, without further checks, south and around the Conference Centre through to Broadbeach Mall, where heavy rain ensured.  Aussie, Botcho and BB got to the Oasis complex and from there the trail was washed out. Gone cold; dead cold.

 After a regroup of sorts, waiting for Rectum and Caustic (who seemed to have got seriously lost somewhere) to catch up, the FRBs headed back along Surf Parade,  the most obvious and quickest route home.  They got back in just over 45 mins. So although the rain caused some drama, it was a good workout.

 STIG REPORT ENDS!

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Well what a week It was. First of all we thought the GM travelling under a false passport had been arrested on a Jetstar flight into Bali after banging on the cockpit door and causing a real ruckus. It turns out it wasn’t him after all but the person in the seat next to him trying to seek sanctuary in the cockpit.

Once again Sir Black Stump became the Minister for everything Hash Cash and acting GM. Sir Rabbit when asked to comment on the run said he got lost in Cascade Gardens with Madam Latrine. As it was a virgin run for Fanny Charmer he said a score of 7.2 would be right. The as yet unnamed Jimmy said he had lost the arrows after a while and wasn’t too concerned as he ended up in the Broadbeach Mall where there was plenty of eye candy to distract him and give him a second wind. Not wanting to be negative he outbid rabbit and gave it a 7.5.

Moonbeams got a special mention for his 75^th birthday and his little soirée at the Malaysian Menu restaurant on Friday night. Kitchen Bitch was a no-show as was Show Pony while Truck Tyres said he wasn’t coming and showed up as he had read it on Facebook and thought he would crash the party.

A special thank you to those who helped out on the Anzac Day bike ride particularly rectum who while not a member of the hierarchy provided a tasty potato salad and circumference organised the chickens. 56 people turned out for the bike ride and all enjoyed a ride all the way to Burleigh and all the way back. Sir Rabbit rode his bike down from his home and gave Blackie his backpack to take home. Blackie stored it in the shed and a couple of days later Helen asked him who belonged to the interesting videos in the backpack?

Blackie has a new serial pest Lurch who was cited for trying to do a deal with KB on the basis that if he supplied him with six chickens could KB give him 12 free eggs a week as a trade. This seemed fair when most of the chicken feed was coming from the Hash members anyway.

The RA jumped into the circle in fine form except for the fact he has one hand strapped up after some recent surgery for an undisclosed activity with the hand. First out was Iceman for desecrating a virgin Hashers premises and giving the Gold Coast Hash and undeservedly poor reputation by taking a p at the front gate just as the runners were setting off.

The RA has lost his position as having the largest feet in the Hash by the arrival of Ball Point. On a length for height basis I think our RA comes out miles in front.

Show Pony rated a special mention for being the best dressed bike rider at the bike ride on Anzac Day even though he only went 50 m and decided to give his bike to his son.

Ballpoint entered the circle to present the coveted POW award for the week. He then proceeded to rabbit on for about 15 minutes about the gourmet sausage meal presented by the five Sirs. Finally as a few of us were starting to nod off BP gave the award to Sir Black Stump for holding the budget purse strings too tight and not allowing his fellow Sirs to offer a proper gourmet meal.

Next week’s run will be set by Swindler from his Rectum Inspired Renaissance waterfront mansion on Stanhill Drive Chevron Island directly on the opposite side of the river to the head office of Shat House Tours. Ballpoint you won’t want to miss this as I think the word gourmet will come to mind on the night.

FINALLY……

BALLPOINT YOUR WORK IS DONE YOU CAN NOW RETURN TO THE GOBI DESERT AND THE JUSTICE OF MONGOLIA

END OF CIRCLE.

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This is a test!

Look at the picture then the translation below!

According to a survey 99% of men do not notice the mouse on the doughnut!

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Morals Test for Gold Coast Hashers

Are you as moral as you think you are?

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is.

It’s Barack Obama!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Barack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the worlds most powerful

Socialist men hell bent on the destruction of America.

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer.

“Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?”

On On

Blue Card

Run 1903
Date:21/04/2014
Location: Hope Island
Hare: Circumference
Runners:28

Run Report from The Hash – “Stig”

A total of around 30 gathered at the waterside on Jabaru Island to be told by the Hare Circumference that the first check starts here, with 3 choices: the rocky trail out across the water, the sandy trail around the Island or the one back through the car park. Following a re introduction by SPV of Weekly’s return to hashing, the hounds took off.

Bent Banana selected the rocks, assuming that this would be something interesting and different, with the run eventually completing a big loop and coming back home over the bridge.  Alas it was actually along the sandy cove, when Two Dogs called On On, then it was up over the bridge and headed west, after the hounds previously refused to take the smell of chalk heading out over an inviting  boardwalk through mangroves.  It was then down the bridge and back under to the water for the next check.  The trail then headed South with Flasher in front followed by Rectum and Rug.

There was some regrouping as the pack continued south to the entrance of Crescent  Ave. The pack followed the street on both sides of the road, noticing small arrows on the opposite side, which the hounds refused to accept as anything belonging to our Hare. There were a few expletives coming from Rectum’s mouth when, after about one km., the trail did in fact return back along the same street. This however did not deter Flasher who continued over the two arrows  pointing back and headed into the scrub alone, obviously looking for another root, following up on his luck  last week. Or maybe just hoping for a shortcut?

The trail lead west with a couple more checks, then crossed Broadwater Ave and circled the Marina Quays Tavern. This bought back fond memories of more interesting runs of the past, with food subsidized by Two Dogs. There was a check behind the tavern and choices were further west, north across the vacant blocks or east to home. Having failed on the first check Bent Banana got this (last) one right and it did head east, with a long and un eventual jog back up  Broadwater Ave. There was a bit of a challenge between returning runner Jim, Rectum, Miscarriage and Two Dogs to get to the bridge and home first.  Not a great run, but the location deserved a few extra brownie points.

STIG REPORT ENDS!

The GM was absent but not an unusual situation. He reportedly was seen in Byron Bay at the Bluing and Rooting Festival.

 

 

 

 

Sir Black Stump stood in as acting GM and kept one careful eye on proceedings.

When asked for a comment on the walk, Hard On said it was tortuous and enduring. Whatever the hell that means!

Prince Valliant said it was a very useful and educational run as he was given a full financial plan by Rock Hard on the run with an explanation of just how the share market works. Bent Banana threw in some advice and said forget the stock market unless you want to lose your shirt. For no real reason the run was given a 7 out of 10.

Circumference was the Nosh Master and had produced some tasty but sometimes slightly overcooked chicken on a stick and some ‘crunchy’ noodles for want of a better term. Flasher was asked for his opinion and he said he enjoyed the “road kill on a stick” as a very novel way to present chicken and the chewy noodles were a real surprise he gave it a 7.9 out of 10. The ever retiring wallflower Ballpoint and said if last week’s run was pretty good according to the GM and that was the benchmark then this week’s nosh was magnificent.

This week’s returning runners included Weekly who has been missing for about 20 years after a stint in Rotary but has decided to come back to the more entertaining social life of Hash. Weekly fitted in like he had never left. A new face, Jimmy, said he had been missing as he wife had him tied up doing other things.

This bought a roar of approval from the crowd with visions of S & M and all sorts of strange goings on. Magician who has had a few runs with us has been down visiting us from his palace in Saigon aka Ho Chi Minh city where he has the role of a ‘Handbag’ with his partner who works 100 hours a week to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed.

The RA, as an opening duty, called out Ballpoint and made him sit on the ice as a penalty for being a serial whinger and insulting the 5 Sirs in the club who had prepared the magnificent meals of gourmet sausages last week.

Although the Sirs did not get off unscathed as Sir Rabbit was called out for having a problem with his sausage according to Ballpoint, and of course 1 Sir drinks – all Sirs drink.

Rock Hard got a mention for tipping Oz Minerals as a share which has now tanked. Although he commented it was better than VDM which at one stage went to $3.10 and with Sir Prince holding 1.6 million shares all was looking rosy for the Hash who were in for 10% on sale. Sir Prince, who when it comes to shares and real estate shares a Catholic church philosophy,  always wanting to buy but never wanting to sell, is now left holding 1.6 million shares with a similar value to ABC childcare centre shares.

The two flying experts in the club – Rug who knows where the MH370 is but if he told you would have to kill you and Flasher who only thinks he knows where it is and is more than happy to tell everybody got a drink for not informing Air Commodore Angus Houston, now in charge of the hunt for the missing plane.

Ballpoint joined the centre of the circle to give away the POW but said in light of all the stick he had received he thought it only fair that he carry it forward for another week. He was a bit surprised when he still had to take the yard glass because he had volunteered to keep it for another week, I don’t imagine he is going to make that offer again.

Next week’s run is from the old favourite, Cascade Gardens however the nosh promises to exceed the poor history of Cascade Garden’s noshes as Fanny Charmer in association with his mother in law is providing a Spanish meal which includes Spanish fly for dessert.

END OF CIRCLE.

On On

Blue card

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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘0ral sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.’

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. ‘What happened!?’ they cried.

The husband said, ‘I’m not sure; maybe she choked.’