Date: 29/07/2016

Location: Nicolinis, Surfers Paradise

Host: Moonbeams

Hashers: 24

News Flash

Roving reporter Annie “Shiraz” Lane from the  ABC has been tracking  “The Gold Coast Splinter Hash” for many months apparently.

She finally caught up with them on Friday the 29th.  The now infamous group were found enjoying lunch with friends  at a Gold Coast location. Many tales were told by members Rug and Wrong Way.

Back at the ABC Annie sat down  and poured herself a glass of Shiraz. Her producer had many questions about her day out on the Gold Coast, interviewing the Splinter Hash. All she had to say was “what happens at lunch stays at lunch”

After a second glass of her favorite Shiraz she did say that those that don’t join the Splinter Lunch are missing out on a great day of mateship, eye candy and a few good reds.

July Splinter Lunch Pictures

Date: 25/07/2016

Location: Mermaid Waters

Hare: Brewtus & Weekly

Hashers: 28

Just who was Ossie Keegan on the GC to have a park named after him and even more flattering to have a hare’s run from that venue crossed the mind of several hashers as they checked on the direction to get to Mermaid Waters. The tables and chairs were all set up in a Last Supper style configuration when most of the pack had arrived.
The hare announced to all that he would look after the runners and lead them to the high points and low points of the run while Sir Slab would lead the walkers on a fairly similar trail. It wasn’t long until the pack went past the tennis courts and soccer fields of the Bob Singh Sports Complex. This run seemed to have more named sponsored parks than in a USA city. Elvis couldn’t believe his luck when he saw a five a side soccer match between the red and blue shirts and as he got a bit of white line fever from the sideline markings took the field and began dribbling an invisible ball downfield. Then one of the real players seeing that Elvis had invaded the pitch ,announced in some European accent – Quick, get the Pokiemon !

After passing the skateboard park at the rear of Burleigh Bears, we were greeted by the sight of Flasher running around and yelping like some bitser mutt at the pound. He had managed to get himself into some metal caged gated carpark and couldn’t work out the PIN number on the keyboard to get himself out. The sincere care factor of all the hashers who passed him quickly surfaced when concerned about his welfare – as one hasher was heard to say – Fuck him, as he got himself in there, he can get himself out of there. So that was the end of that and the pack pushed on still going east and away from home. A concerned Fanny C at 19:00 EST asked the hare if we climbing the hill at North Nobby and the muffled reply from the hasher was inaudible due to the noise of the passing traffic on the GC Highway. So it was not long until the pack had actually regrouped on top of the hill and began a tour of Miami SHS. For most of the pack, who had never really got up close and personal to the HI MIAMI HIGH sign before but had regularly seen all the young short skirted pubescent blonde surfie chicks coming and going from that school, a tour of the whole school was something new especially as the rear of the premises is a bit of a minefield construction site all pegged out for the next education revolution.

A quick sprint down Pacific Avenue/Sunshine Avenue soon had all home for refreshments and the entrée of pygmy speared cheese, kabana and cocktail onions, a sure fire way to fire up the farting. Next on the three course menu was a hot beef and potato stew with crusty bread rolls(that some hashers imagined they were having with their stew). As VD and M’Link missed out on a seat with the big people, they dined by themselves at the table for the little people. Peaches and ice-cream followed and by this stage, most hashers were hoping they wouldn’t get a down down in the circle as they full up to the brim. Dicky Knee, on day release from Jenny Craig, remarked that the food is so bloody good, you just can’t stop eating it. At 19:30 he was even getting excited about the prospect of going home early and being able to watch Master Chef Aust on the box , apparently it is a form of therapy for those going through withdrawal after a Jenny Craig FA stint (Foodaholics Anonymous).

A five minute warning from the GM of the pending circle brought all to attention to stash the chairs and tables in the back of Weekly’s ute. First up in the circle were Brutus and Weekly. Fanny C enjoyed the well marked run but not the hare lying about going up the North Nobby hill. Josephine remarked that there was a thrifty use of markings on the walk. Shat’s critique on the nosh was – pretty good, I got seconds and loved the cocktail onions.

The returning runners, namely Elvis, Jigsaw (jiggy or even shiggy were names he got as he stepped up) and Fuller Shit were soon explaining where they had been. Jigsaw said it was Nice to be home, Fuller had been fishing and Elvis advised that he is just visiting as he continues his 2016 Fanatics World Sports Tour. The Tour De France, Euro 16 and next up the Rio Olympics is an even better gig than an ESPN/Fox Sports cameraman would score in a year. Elvis is looking forward to catching up with Sydney harriette, Cold Pussy(aka Ms Kitty Chiller), Australia’s Chief De Mission, in Rio. She has been in touch with him to see if he can offload his spare Olympic event tickets to encourage multi-skilled hashers like Miscarriage,Weekly, Bouncer and even Girls to come out of retirement and help out with the wiring and sewerage problems in the Olympic Village. As the previous committee had once remarked, if you can’t get our hashers to even go to Boonah, you have no chance of getting them to join Elvis in Rio.

Botcho got his 1000th run T-shirt which should be framed and go straight to his pool room as although it has been an investment of over $20 grand, it is sure to be worth a lot more in years to come.

The GM announced the long list of piss ups between now and the early May AGPU including the apparently previously committee sworn to secrecy surprise 70th Birthday Party for Botcho which the only hashers who were surprised by it’s announcement to all in the circle were the committee members judging by the look on Shat’s face.

The RA then stepped up to the plate to take the piss out of our hash athletes far easier than how the Russian drug testers used a mouse hole take the piss out of their athletes. Hard-On, Miscarriage and Two Dogs were called out for their Lost and Found moments of leaving their property behind on the previous week’s run. Flasher and Elvis were next up for their antics on the run.

Prior to the circle, as the carryover POW realised he had forgotten to bring the POW, he sought advice from his legal team on how he should manage damage control from any possible fallout from his misdemeanour. It was decided to use a slightly altered version of the old chestnut – Teacher, the dog ate my homework. So when the POW was called, up came current POW, Brutus, who announced confidently, hoping to sucker in all, that he had a few leads on nominations that he needed to follow up on and would be carrying it over until next week. A few old wise heads thought they might have smelt a rat with that lame excuse but all in all he managed to sell it pretty well to the circle.
It was later suggested to Brutus by his legal team that although he might survived this week, it would not be good idea to push his luck with that defence beyond that evening
and to get his shit together for next week or be crucified by the smell blood in the water hash circle.

Sir Rabbit advised that Moonbeams is the Splinter lunch hare this month and Nicolinis (Surfers Paradise) is the venue for this Friday’s event.

Josephine closed the circle and RPR6 came to a close, well at least for some. The Northern Alliance then had to endure a stressful trip home something like a Winter Olympics slalom course with more cones than a Nimbin hash circle along Bermuda Street/Southport Broadbeach Road from Broadbeach Waters to Smith Street at Southport. Hundreds of workers, some high vis others not so high were dodged but thankfully none ended up on the bonnet.

NEW TO THE TRASH – Media Fact Check

A man who was reportedly found dead in a WA Hungry Jacks toilet is believed to have been dead for three days which sounds a bit like a Whopper to me especially when one of our former hashers Droop was found asleep in the toilet at McDonalds(Loders Creek) after just three hours on a Gold Coast Marathon day when he had to go after consuming a quite a few ales after running. Sounds like it is probably worth remembering that if you need to go in a hurry the best idea is to go to a Maccas Latrine otherwise you could be left for dead in the opposition’s dunnies. The burgers may be better at Hungrys but the care factor is absolutely shithouse something like the Rio Olympic village toilets which have also failed the stress test.

Yours in hashing
CIRCUMFERENCE

Run 2022 Pictures

Date: 18/07/2016

Location: Labrador

Hare: Josephine & Sir Rabbit

Hashers: 29

Even before the first arrow was put down for this run, the hash planets had aligned for several weeks to create circumstances to develop the perfect hash storm. Just consider the following chain of events as they stood after the events of the previous week’s Everything Shithouse themed run on the Broadwater.

The carryover POW from run 2019 at Cascade Gardens was M’Latrine.
The hare for run 2020 was M’Latrine. Then in an unprecedented ploy Sir Rabbit blatantly refused his nomination for POW from the hare after emerging from the WC, so the POW stayed officially with the hare. Apparently legal advice had been sought from the home of Mother Hash in KL who just happen to have a hasher named Soup Silk / real name Vijayhotlaksa Saringgitt whose daytime job is a QC when he is not running around the Malaysian jungle as to knowledge of any hash constitutional precedents similar to the current stay of proceedings brought about after the abrupt end to the circle on the previous Monday evening..
The co-hare for run number 2021 was Sir Rabbit who chose the same park(Labrador’s Norm Rix park) as the venue where M’Latrine had his drink stop on the previous week’s run and M’Latrine still was the carryover POW.

Would these hashers hug and make up (another hash bromance in the making ) over a glass of red or would it all end up in tears ?

So it was with eager anticipation hashers focused on this blockbuster Monday evening with the possibility that the circle ratings would be better than most television executives would even dream of where snippets of juicy morsels of previews are offered up to bait viewers for a week in advance of the screening.

At 18:15 , Josephine gave instructions on “the best well marked suburban run ever set in Labrador” and the runners led by Rug and the walkers under instruction from Sir Slab headed off in their respective opposite directions. It wasn’t long before a couple of false trails started splitting up the pack with Flasher ending up in the dog park, then attempting to get through the back of the Commonwealth Games Village construction site. Near Southport Sharks AFL club, the trail crossed the road over to the soccer fields, then near Point Two’s old place for a clayton’s drink stop and wound back and forth around the myriad of paths that now encompass the suburb which is handy when you are lost or pissed or both in finding your way out. BB lead the pack at the back end of the run along the creek, closely followed by Miscarriage and M’Link.
Soon all were back for happy hour drinks and as booze prices continue to tumble and hashers guzzle like V8’s prompting one to say – It’s just like the 1970’s all over again with these prices. Seedy’s appearance filled the void left by the absence of one of better red wine guzzlers and he was assisted by Hard On as fresh bottles of red were cracked regularly through the evening.

As Sir R was stewing the nosh, a soup kitchen line up of hungry hashers began a chorus to get a warm feed. Soon their wishes were granted and Chilli Con Rabbit was served. As we enjoyed the nosh , Weekly remarked that although he had missed out on the corn chips entrée, he was enjoying the gum leaves that accompanied the main.
When he was told the corn chips came with main, he got the full menu for seconds. Next up for dessert were cheese cakes and that southern Gold Coast local favourite –
known by them as Kirramasu .

As the farting from the spicy nosh started to kick in, the GM called a circle and the hares were called out. Sir R again stumped all with yet another refusal, this time knocking back his down down because of a broken tooth. Fanny C rated the run as a bloody brilliant 7.1 klm effort. Weekly’s critique on the nosh was – Good Work. Perhaps a television role maybe is in the offering on Masterchef for Weekly with his obvious culinary talents on spotting gum leaves as the side or even as a stand-in for Kenny Koala at Dreamworld when he needs a break.

Iceman was asked to give the visitors – Seedy, VD and Blue Card a note for their down downs. It seems as though regular hashers only have to go for a piss for 5 minutes these days and you become a visitor. Our real visitor for the second week in a row, Toss Her, is settling in well on the GC by visiting various Gold Coast hashes. Fanny C also dragged a virgin along but as he had to go home early, he missed his first circle.

When the RA stepped out, he called Flasher to explain where his solo run went. Flasher claimed he got lost in the Labrador forest, now that’s a real mystery as to its whereabouts . Most hashers didn’t even realise that such a forest existed somewhere so close to suburbia. Miscarriage, upon running past Point two’s former residence, recalled the good old days when while Air BnB-ing with Point Two he used to share his lodgings with the Labrador labrador, Sharnee (RIP). Apparently between the farting and snoring, both of them would get a reasonable night’s rest.

Showpony soon to become Gavan the Sixth when he goes down the aisle again after just lightening his wallet from a previous marital encounter was given a hash note from Moonbeams. Apparently he is thinking of buying his new bride a house as a wedding present as a down payment for any possible exit strategy that may arise if the next union fails in his next Far East love story. Miscarriage also gave a farewell to our resident lothario, Showpony, who apparently has been doing the rounds with his neighbours in after dark farewells around his local marina.

The Phantom called out M’Link for his lycra riding apparel which highlights the word Warriors, the known name of one the outlawed bicycle gangs that some hashers have been flirting with and attracting police attention because of the VLAD laws when they speed through the northern suburbs in the early hours some mornings. M’link made it quite clear that he did not wish to be associated with such an organisation and that they should be renamed and called Wankers instead.

Weekly who was sprung by the RA for having a piss near the BBQ while the hare was cooking the nosh with the toilets about 25 metres away was next to be called into the circle for a down down.

All the lead up to the POW stage evaporated in the absence of M’Latrine but as Miscarriage had rescued the POW from the dunny, he stepped in as M’Latrine’s proxy.
He told the story of 3 hashers on tour who decided to have a flutter on a Laotian filly named Lollita by boxing a trifecta with the numbers 8,10 and 12. Next day over breakfast, they checked their numbers and found that they had all been winners. No one knew who had came first,second or third but all agreed that the outcome of their investment had resulted in a nice juicy box tri. As Brutus was the first to ask about the outcome of their investment over breakfast next morning, he was declared the winner and awarded POW. In a sterling effort , he knocked over the half yard down down without any spillage.

With Moonbeams back in the fold, he remembered his lines and closed the evening’s events and so endith RPR5.

Yours in hashing

CIRCUMFERENCE

Run 2021 Pictures

Date: 11/07/2016

Location: Labrador

Hare: Latrine

Hashers: 26

The Labrador/Broadwater area was the venue for the Everything Shithouse themed run. Apparently a spin off from the GC Commonwealth Games is the modernisation of the city’s outhouses so that visitors and locals will be able to crap in better surroundings with a higher water flushing speed than the NBN. The old dunnies are being demolished under the cover of darkness in Deen Bros type demolitions so that any historical memories are being flushed away before those who have been known to hang around these places have time to change their modi operandi.

At 6:15 pm, the hare assembled the pack into the new shizenhausen and gave directions for the runners to head south and the walkers north. Dicky Knee and Woodsie offered to stay behind as keg minders and look after bikes, bags, booze etc in case of possible pilferings due to the lack of lighting at that stage of the evening.
As the run proceeded through suburbia, the runners were able to witness the transition evolving in the area as it moves from the bogan Stabrador dog of a name suburb to nouveau upper middle class bogans (well that’s according to the locals picking up near millions for their asbestos ridden fibro “ruo semoh” bargains as developers chop their way through the previous quarter acre blocks and replace them with multi-story walkups. Checks were close to the council latrines scattered across the suburb. The first hasher to the Blood and Urine drink stop was Swollen Colon and was soon followed by BB, Sir Two Dogs, Rug, Missing Link and Miscarriage. Toss Her assisted the hare with the drink stop located near Norm Rix Park. Some how the hare missed the drink stop as he had lead a pack of walkers out along Brisbane Road with Sir Rabbit assisting in getting them home. As often happens these days, the walk is quite often longer than the run on some Monday evenings. A couple of other splinter walk groups had already arrived and were well into the refreshments.

The hors d’oeuvres of cheese filled mini mushrooms were served gastronomical style from the nappy change section of the khazi. Before long the hare had organised the GM to assist in carving and serving the mains of roast and veges. All was quite as hashers got their hot food fuel intake, not quite sure whether it was hygienic but as it was either
eat up or go hungry, most chose the former. Hard On carried over the dessert of home made pastries containing apple, pear, cinnamon,walnuts and coconut. Steaming hot from the oven, they were quickly devoured as the cool winter air started to kick in.

A circle was called , ala, a shithouse gathering formation assembled inside the toilet block.
First up the hares, M’Latrine and Circumference were called out. Miscarriage although enjoying the run through his old stomping grounds of developments and make overs stated the arrows were on the wrong side of the road going away from the traffic forgetting the hare was formerly from the USA where things are done differently as far as driving on the road. In either case as most hashers know perhaps running on the footpath might always be a safer option with some of the rat runners driving on our streets these days. Brutus was very impressed with the nosh.

Visitor Toss Her from the Top End via Botany Bay hash was welcomed with a down down.  Taiwan bound Showpony who found his 600 run T-shirt when he finally sobered up from the AGPU was given a down down after accusing the previous committee of forgetting his milestone.
As Slug over dinner had recalled to all of his ANZAC exploits in Turkey many years ago while on  a Top Deck /Dick tour of an Instanbul bordhello where he confused love and lust in a Turkish wham bam/thank-you mam encounter with a local, the RA saw the opportunity to call this hasher out for a down down.
Just to scare the living daylights out of any of the homophobic hashers already gathered in a public convenience and still recovering from the Rug/ Hard On bromance photograph, a cross dressing hasher in the group was outed. Again this hasher was also photographed and it appeared in the GC Bulletin. Swollen Colon (who would have thought /) was called out and he advised how difficult it was in trying to get his own bra off compared to getting them off the opposite sex.

The POW holder M’Latrine stepped up to the plate to hopefully offload it to the next winner. In what can only be described as Chief Justice Latrine’s Royal commission into hashers dining and car pool arrangements, a long list of the accused were called up. Somehow it appears to the Chief Justice that splinter groups of hashers are dining together and that is not in the best interests of the whole hash if not all hashers are involved in the event. Then the Northern Alliance car pool was put under the microscope as M’Latrine couldn’t understand how he couldn’t get a guernsey despite living in the same geographical location. However there was no self examination of the well known red wine drinking antics of the Chief Justice who has a long wrap sheet of swilling, spilling, drinking red wine while driving behind the steering wheel, hash event behaviour, airline behaviour to name but a few. As a requirement of the Uber driver standards required by the Northern Alliance car pool, this type of does not cut the mustard of the code of conduct.

Finally after Sir Botcho, Flasher, Rug, Slug, Sir Two Dogs, Circumference, Josephine, GM Rock Hard, Missing Link and Sir Rabbit had been publicly tried unsuccessfully as POW candidates, Sir Rabbit’s role in the Northern Alliance’s licensing requirements got him the POW. After having served a short custodial sentence in one of the cubicles,
the POW elect decided to decline the prestigious award and sent it flying.

And as we all know from what a former PM once said – Shit Happens which was quite appropriate in the environment where the proceedings were held.
In the absence of Moonbeams , many hashers called – End of Circle which abruptly brought to an end of the circle of RPR4.

Yours in hashing

CIRCUMFERENCE

Run 2020 Pictures

Date: 4/07/2016

Location: Cascade Gardens

Hare: Fanny Charmer & Missing Link

Hashers: 28

On a mild mid-winter evening, the hares chose the familiar stomping grounds of Cascade Gardens Now even more Loved as a venue than the Labrador/Broadwater area.
(sorry Now Loved) for taking thy name in vain. There were three events – a run, a long walk and a short walk. Sir Two Dogs and Miscarriage lead the pack of ten on a run which apparently went N,S, E and W and in “virgin territory”. Rug lead a small group of ex-GM’s on the longish walk and re-grouped with the short walkers at Costa Madrid
Cantina otherwise known as Fanny Charmers driveway where Mrs Victoria Fanny served up a lovely sangria to the thirsty hashers. Flasher and Sir Blackie were on a run but as they were seen coming and going in different directions after the sangria, its effects may have kicked in quickly. The new Qld lockout laws were enforced at the drink stop to put an end to too many shots of sangria by one of our well known guzzlers to stop his irresponsible piss consumption.

Back at the venue where Cascade beer become the theme beer for the Cascade Gardens event, the hares had prepared cheese, chorizo and crackers for the hungry hordes of hashers who staggered home while watching 4 July fireworks for the USA’s famous day. A trio of European backpackers joined us during the period when happy hour price drinks were served. It wasn’t long before Sir PV had filled the coffers and the main nosh of Fanny’s Spaniard Balls and pasta were served and later on Missing Link’s strudels and custard and finally ice-cream after he busted through the child proof lock on the ice cream container.

It was then up to the Rotary International sign for the circle where Fanny C tried to ringbark a branch of the tree to improve his view of proceedings. Dicky Knee stated that the nosh was all good to me and it was his best meal of the week so far (still only Monday). Then it was time for Botcho’s moment in the dark when he received the trophy for the 2016 Hashman. Due to constant farting from the spicy nosh, Showpony was called out for a quick drink before he leaves us. AH keen to part with his curry receipe book donated it to Fanny C.

When the RA entered the circle in his Kraut helmet the European visitors were taken back a bit as they relived their grandfather’s stories about another mob of Europeans who were those helmets many years ago. Anyhow the 2 Swiss and 1 Belgian enjoyed a down down and were told they must now join or start a hash club when they return home.They seemed somewhat interested until later in the evening when a hash wearing the full POW clobber left them thinking what sort of encounter they had just experienced while holidaying in Cascade Gardens. Sir PV began a few stories about his workers including an eye witness account of paint spillage from Missing Link and workplace negotiations and lack of office decorum in Phantom’s dealing with his colleagues.

As it was USA Independence Day the Clayton’s Septic Tanks (Latrine and Dicky Knee) were called out for misdemeanours. Both had consumed a fair bit of piss by then starting off with Dicky Knee’s Kentucky Bourbon lunch and M’Latrine ‘s behaviour at the sangria drink stop. Rug gave MLatrine a test on his US knowledge about the signing of the American Charter of Independence.Apparently it was signed in ink not Philadelphia (cheese) which was the great punch line to the joke.

A carousel of candidates as possible POW’s began circling the tree like something from the Planet of Apes. The group included Miscarriage, Phantom ,Iceman, Dicky Knee and Nasty and the ultimate winner – M Latrine who become the first hasher to take the POW home on the light rail and in a smart move by Slug, giving it to next week’s hare.

The post election wash up included M’Latrine  charging Circumference’s to explain if his employment with the AEC had fucked up the delay in the election results. Circumference replied that over his breakfast , he saw this possible years political dramas in his Chinese tea leaves and after wiping the gravy off his plate, he thought he would jump on the gravy train in the national interest and accept the AEC’s offer to help them out. Then the closet Pauline Hanson voters were called out to Please Explain and to his credit at least one admitted to what had he had done.

In the absence of Moonbeams, his regular stand-in proxy, a disappointed Josephine always ready to close the circle was overlooked by all and RPR3 ended without the traditional “end of circle”.

Yours in hashing
CIRCUMFERENCE

Run 2019 Pictures