Date: 24/10/2016

Location: Varsity Lakes

Hare: Now Loved

Hashers:20

When hashers are aware they are heading into the Robina/Varsity Lakes area for a run, there is always apprehension. As these suburbs roads and paths are circular not rectangular, at soon as it dark, it is near impossible to get your bearings on some trails as you can just go around and around in circles like lost sheep and follow everyone who seems to think they know where they. So last Monday evening, we all arrived at a peaceful setting by a lake, in anticipation of another night of frivolity. However, in an evening filled with many memorable quotes, Number One, came from Josephine, while trying to find the venue – This area does my head in. Then before the start, quote Number Two from Sir Rabbit – I’m not going far as you get lost around here.

So after final instructions from hare Now Loved about looking up, beware of shiggy and diverging walk/run trails, the pack with trepidation,headed off with M’selle Latrine out in front on the run, before he jumped groups and joined the walk. Brewtus, Bent Banana. Sir Botcho and Circumference stayed pretty close together on the run with the hare circling around on his cycle to make sure the whole run was completed. The run home was the way out in reverse, which is quick way of marking a trail.After 45 mins, the four runners were back home sucking on brewskees. About half a kilometre from home, Circumference looked across the lake and could hear Weekly leading a group of walkers all chirping away like the seven dwarfs heading off to work, thinking they were in cruise control, but it didn’t dawn on them that no where near getting home without them doing a JC and walking on water.

Kwakka and Swindler back from a walk and hash security Dicky Knee looked pretty chilled out over a beer as Josephine suggested the Hash Log be noted at 7:25 pm, We are concerned that no other walkers are back yet. We will review this, when the piss runs out.

Quote Number Three came from Swindler – We have 5 experts out there with mobile phones and GPS’s.
Brewtus chipped in with quote Number Four – This is starting to look like the Blair Witch Project,(the movie about people wandering lost around the bush like zombies)

A group of walkers then appeared from different directions – Carefree and Blue Card in from the left and Clive,Shat and Jigsaw from the right. Shat stepped up to mark with quote Number Five – Miscarriage will be proud of that (hash debacle)

As Clive enjoyed a well earned refreshment, he advised that his mates in SA used to call him Spear Chucker. Something worth remembering as we get to know him more over future various weeks of hashing.

Now Loved served up the entrée of Jatz crackers,cheese, and a cold meat which everyone debated as to whether it was Spam, Fritz, Devon or maybe Chum.
It was suggested to the hare that he go and get the nosh from Mrs Now loved (Shauna). However before he left, maybe he should get everyone home first. So quote Number Six was then delivered by Now Loved – Fuck Em !

So through technology an emergency rescue team found the lost souls somewhere near Christine Avenue. By now the GM and Sir Rabbit (both well experienced in Hash Survivor from Miscarriage’s run), had helped VD, KB and Weekly keep their shit together until they were safely home to the nosh and bucket. Where the fuck is Latrine became the subject of conversation as debate raged as to whether he had gone home or was still wandering the streets. So when he finally surfaced, M’selle Latrine dropped quote Number Eight , something that he had suggested to others on the walk – This is the way, follow me. Quick witted Clive suggested it sounded Biblical(like I am the way) from the book of James 1, verse 6. Clive appears to have excellent South African background in missionary(position) knowledge and spear throwing credentials.

So by now Now Loved turned on the nosh in an attempt to save his arse from an icing. Chilli con carne, rice, corn chips and a shipload of sour cream were soon on display for all to devour. Some of the red wine drinkers were partying so hard they missed the GM’s call for a circle. Up stepped Sir Botcho who spoke glowingly about the very well marked 45 minute run which was bloody fantastic. M’ selle Latrine spoke on the run which was magnificent through the forest, before he joined the walkers, minus a torch and told them I am going the other way on the extremely well marked trail. The GM , figured his walk was more like a circle, then a tangent, walking three times past the same post(according to Sir Rabbit) before ending up in Cumberland Drive in the next suburb. Now Loved got his hare down down before Sir Rabbit got a down down for expressing alt disappointment at the cancellation of the Indy/V8’s run, although failed to vote in favour of running it, by preferring to keep his fur dry on the night.

Exit, GM, enter RA with quote Number Nine – There’s nothing like a fuck-up. So give the cunt another drink. Now Loved knocked down anothery just like the previous one.
Blue Card , returning traveller, presented the GM with an Islamic head piece to wear while saying his prayers head down and arse up.

Carefree told us about his Undateable Episode of No Sex in the GC City during the V8’s weekend as a result of the Main Beach precinct closedown of suburban streets. He had  ladies lined up for dates on consecutive evenings on Saturday and Sunday but after lots of sexting, they both decided it was all too hard to get to his place and both cancelled. They didn’t realise it was even much harder on Carefree who had preloaded on his little blue meds in anticipation of two steamy evenings.

Bent Banana charged M’Latrine for continual failure to bring a torch to hash after several years not realising he is trying to reduce his hash carbon footprint as tax credit offset.

The carry over POW, Kitchen Bitch, who claiming he didn’t have much ammo soon had Now Loved, Jigsaw, Swindler, Weekly, Sir Botcho and Rock Hard as potential candidates. By a series of elimination, the POW was awarded to Sir Botcho for speaking about how much he had enjoyed the run while showing no sympathy for the lost walkers, after almost several hours of following in Pied Piper style none other the GM who rounded up the Top 10 of the evening’s quotes with – I know this area like the back of my hand. KB, in a rare appearance, had actually made the start of this event and it had turned into a nightmare.

The whole evening could be best remembered by a flashback to that famous legendary quote of Mumbles on 24 January 2005 when hopelessly lost in the Nerang Forest he uttered – I knew where we were and where we should come out, but we weren’t I thought I was.
Josephine was invited to close RPR 20.

IT WOULD SEEM THAT SOME OLD ROCK STARS JUST KEEP ON GOING ON FOREVER

We are all used to entertainers playing Twin Towns again and again on their superannuation tours and John Farnham has had more final tours than the Queen.

But here’s couple of headline acts that are hard to beat -.

A Dunedin music store has a poster in the front window advertising an upcoming NZ tour for David Bowie.
Closer to home, some wag with the same name as the former front man of INXS is a Funeral Director. He advertises in the Gold Coast Bulletin, as Michael Hutchinson Funerals.
On the television there is a promotion for an upcoming tour of Australia for Elvis and his Big Brass Band, stating that the show is like you have never seen him before.
Maybe it is our hasher by the same name who has been hiding his talents from us !

Yours in hashing

CIRCUMFERENCE

Run 2035 Pictures Here

Date:17/10/2016

Location: Main Beach

Hare: Cicumference

Hashers:15

Several months ago, the RA was consulted about the weather for the Indy/V8’s run and he couldn’t guarantee a fine night. As there has been a bit of Bob Dylan around in recent times – The times they are a changing- he told us years ago, the committee made contingency plans. So with weather patterns changing all the time and a 100-1 shot winning the last Melbourne Cup, a punt was taken on moving the event to somewhere more sheltered,namely in the vicinity of the Southport SLSC, in case of bad weather. So right on cue, a big storm system appeared on the BOM site , with less than 2 hours till the start of Monday’s V8’s event. The storm was coming from the west and was heading direct for the GC. The gridlock traffic standstill in pouring rain made the trip to the venue a big enough challenge before the 6:15 pm scheduled start.

So down came the rain and washed the trail away and after that the drizzle made the concrete and in particularly the bitumen an oily skating rink. The numbers of hashers had swelled to 14, so a vote was held as to whether to proceed or not in the Carefree(run venue) undercover shelter. First up was the runners vote and Swollen Colon raised his right hand in the affirmative while he held his cold Crownie in his left. Next up was the walkers vote and M’selle Latrine raised his right hand in the affirmative while he held his cold Crownie in his left. So 12 hashers,concerned about their health and safety out in the elements, without their wet weather racing slicks, declined in the Hashexit vote. The 2016 V8 Run was officially declared a washout.

Suddenly everyone was heading for the eskys and the good selection of beers provided by Bent Banana. The conversations over drinks included the weekend of madness the GC had just witnessed with new drug, Flakka, causing overdoses resulting in demonic behaviour, induced comas, and crazy clowns wandering around the streets acting like nutters. Apparently the Scottish food chain clown, Ronald McDonald, has gone into hiding for fear of being bashed by vigilante groups, like the Palmy Army, the Cooly Kids,Helensvale Hoods and The Nerang Bogans.

As the bottled red wine was also being consumed fairly quickly, the acting GM called a quick circle before everyone spent their dinner money.
As they were the only ones who voted to participate in the evening’s activities, Swollen and Latrine were declared unofficial winners in their respective events.
Visitor Clive, now a GC resident, formerly of Rhodesia and SA, was given a welcoming down down. At great expense, the committee were able to get former Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, to pop in for a quick chat while he visits the GC for the V8’s, before he joined us at the surf club for dinner. Well done, M’selle Latrine on your impersonation, especially the way you drank as much red wine as your alias. Swollen also got a mention after the GC Bulletin story about his all Australian business , that doesn’t outsource its work but employs only Australians(all 7.5 of them).

Sir Botcho mentioned apologies for their absences from Miscarriage and carry over POW Kitchen Bitch. The word kitchen was a prompt for time to go to the surf club for a meal. A young wannabe Moonbeams, Brewtus, was invited to close the circle of RPR 19.
The meals were served fairly quickly and as all tucked in, a discovery of a particular red wine made for hash was made by the Top Gear presenter look a like. The label has a footprint on it and it is a shiraz known as Barefoot. A couple of bottles of the product were downed by Shat, Hard On and M’selle Latrine over dinner.

The conversation then turned to the hashing Thai tourists and whether that’s country shutdown was stopping their alcohol consumption by turning Thailand into the country with no beer during the mourning period following the death of the king. However , it was agreed that Missing Link would sniff out some alcohol somewhere for all of them to enjoy.

As it had been an early night on the drink, from around 6:20 pm, it was time to call it quits around 9pm after a fairly intoxicating but memorable evening, the first time the Indy/V8’s run has been a washout.
Yours in hashing
CIRCUMFERENCE

Run 2034 Pictures Here

Date:10/10/2016

Location: Robina

Hare: Sir Prince & Magician

Hashers:26

Final instructions from the hare sent the pack off in a couple of directions, some on the on on trail and others on the reverse no no trail. As a result, there were multiple splinter groups doing runs, walks and even kitchen duties. In fairly new hashing territory, Bent Banana and Miscarriage were first home from their tour of the suburb with Truck Tyres not too far behind. A sizeable crew were working in the trailer kitchen area and before long M’selle Latrine was offering the entrée of dim sims and spring rolls in his roving maitre d’ role. Cold beers and red wine were soon being enjoyed just as Sir Prince Valiant called that the first sitting of mains was being served. A spicy Red Curry Thai Beef and rice was the tasty offering. Next up was the 72 egg omelette and beef noodle dish which topped off the appetites of all pretty quickly.

After a breather to allow hashers to get their guts back in shape in case down downs were coming their way, the stand in GM, Shat, called for all to tidy up the trailer furniture to get the circle underway.

First up was the Magician and ex Saigon and now Brisbane hasher , Metal Dildo who actually got lost on his own run. Truck Tyres who believed he did the whole run, said he found the whole trail rather confusing. In particular, there was the first XXXX On Home marking which got his beer thirst going, only to be cut down by the next marking of a check before another XXXX On Home.

The kitchen crew of Sir Prince Valiant, Kitchen Bitch, Sir Botcho, Dicky Knee and Moonbeams were next up for a drink. The latter remarked that he thought the nosh was down on quality on past performances.

Soon the GM presented a quick spiel in a This Is Your Life, Blue Card. A headline from his tablet and another news item from Circumference soon had him facing the circle to explain his French tour behaviour. However Blue Card shot one back at the acting GM for telling him that the evening’s run venue was actually at next weeks venue. Then in a flick pass move, Shat who obviously had a Senior’s moment on his morning bike ride got confused by the arrows around Main Beach from where Sir Two Dogs and Circumference had set the run over the weekend, asked Circumference to join Blue Card for a down down.

Jigsaw, hardly a virgin hasher who stunned the circle when he admitted he didn’t know what XXXX On Home meant got a well deserved down down. A quick hash Royal Commission demanded to know just how many runs has Jigsaw now actually gone the full distance on and been rewarded with milestones.

Visitor Metal Dildo was joined by Truck Tyres who elaborated a doggy style story about a purchase he made while on tour in the Phillipines . Apparently the RSPCA is following up on this story.

Miscarriage called out Circumference for his story about his Melbourne GF trip with Sir Prince Valiant as everyone had told him what a great time he must have had, although he couldn’t recall any of it..

The Iceman told the circle a joke about a photographer having the chance to take a black, white or coloured photo of a pompous pussy pinching Presidential wannabe.

Moonbeams was the invited to close the circle to RPR 18.

Thanks, Slug , for last week’s run report.

BAR TALK

A legless man and a blind man were having a conversation over a few beers. The legless man said he was there to get blind while the blind man said he was there to get legless.

Yours in hashing

CIRCUMFERENCE

Run 2033 Pictures Here

Date:3/10/2016

Location: Chevron Island

Hare: Kwakka

Hashers:21

The Run

Despite the weather being somewhat inclement there was a good turnout of 21 hashers for Kwaaka’s run on Chevron Island.  Kwaaka had seen his run washed out twice so Two Dogs was given a piece of Gyprock and the runners set off over the bridge towards Surfers.

The walkers did the circuit of Stanhill Drive where recently returned Magician sought advice on how to deal with an infestation of termites.

The Nosh

Due to the pack arriving back a bit earlier than expected there was a wait before the nosh arrived.  Flasher and BB had sourced some new bottled reds and there were German beers left over from last week. The Devlin’s Mount Shiraz received favourable comment.

Entrée of sausage rolls and party pies was followed by a main course of lasagne, salad and bread rolls.  Desert was a tasty mousse.  The lasagne received favourable comments, even KB who was a late arrival was impressed.

The Circle

Down Downs:

Hare: Kwaaka

Visitor: Bren Gun who is still finding his way back to Brisbane after Friday’s Splinter Hash.  After casting aspirations on Shat and Slab being rejects from Brisbane Men’s Hash, he told a great story about Layout back dooring him.  Reminded me of an episode at James Cook University however that’s another story.

Birthday: Truck Tyres – 7?

Sinners: Prince Valiant, Brutus, Magician, Miscarriage

Returners: Bren Gun, Magician, Fuller Shit, Nasty

Trucks Tyres: for his love affair with Ice Road Truckers and attempting to fit an oversized bull bar to the Suzuki Vitara.

Prick of the Week: The GM who was presented with the award at last week’s Octoberfest Run called out those who would be absent for the next two Monday runs into an inner circle. By process of elimination amonst those remaining hashers in the outer circle, Weekly received the Prick.

Last Down Down of the Night : Magician who suspects he may have picked up Zika virus in the Philippines. Was that a mosquito bite or sexual transmission?

In the absence of Moonbeans, Ferret and Josephine, the circle was closed by Botcho.

Slug (Stand-in Scribe)

Special Report from Circumference…Boys on Tour

WHAT GOES ON TOUR SHOULD’T ALWAYS STAY THERE AS IT IS CAN BE GOOD TO SHARE WITH OTHERS LATER

Sir Prince Valiant(SPV) has a regular catch up with his old Melbourne University mates from time to time and this time instead of sunny Port Douglas where the pale Victorians like to get some spring sunshine, this time they decided to stay in Melbourne for Grand Final weekend, to protect their white winter skin from the FNQ sun. So SPV organised himself to fly down on Friday for the first function that evening and then attend the second function at the AFL GF at the MCG on Saturday. He happened to mention his trip to Miscarriage(MC) who said that as he was also going to the GF, they could catch up. SPV said as he just happened to have a spare ticket into a corporate box, it would be all organised. They arranged to meet at the Young & Jacksons Hotel for game preloading. So on Saturday morning, a pretty dusty hungover SPV fronted up to the busy CBD hotel where MC was already on his first Carlton Draught. After a couple of these, they proceeded to the G, found their box and were soon sucking on Crownies (quite a few were consumed during the afternoon’s game).

After the GF was decided in a history making doggy style, they decided to go for a feed in Lygon Street, a far safer dining precinct these days compared to the Underbelly years. They were plucked off the street and given a window seat in Mafiossi’s Trattoria ,by head spruiker and maitre de, Salvatore (SAL) which was the name on his name tag. They quickly ordered the veal scalloponi so as to get the 20% early diner’s discount. Salvatore got a couple of bottles of the Yarra Valley’s finest chiraz for taste tests, and they chose a sneaky 2012 red to compliment their mains. Salvatore had noticed the names that they were calling each other – Miscarriage and Prince and couldn’t help himself from asking about their names.

The conversation went something like this –

SAL to SPV- Why do you call him Miss Carriage when hessa man. Shouldn’t it beea Mr Carriage ?
SAL to MC – And you call him a Prince, why ? He doesn’t sing as well , does he, like the dead one ?
MC – Sir Prince, if you don’t mind (correcting him)
SAL – How is this so, that he is a Prince and a Knight ? In what country ,what part of the world is he from ? He didn’t get one of those Tony Abbott knighthoods like Phil the Greek did he ?
MC- No.They are just our nicknames. We are Hash House Harriers.
SAL – Please, we no longa want any involvement with drugs and shootings anymore. The bad old days long gone, they all dead or rotting in jail.
SPV – It is a running club, we are runners not drug runners.

A relieved Salvatore then got another bottle of red for the table and MC thought he would try and lighten up the conversation so as to ensure any doubts that SPV and himself were associate members of the infamous Carlton Club.

MC – Salvatore, let me tell you about my friend, Mick, in Beaudesert.
SAL – Yuoa know Bo Derek, the beautiful woman with the bigga bosoms ?
MC – No, not that Bo. It is a town in Qld near the Gold Coast.
My friend is Mick
SAL – Your friend is a Catholic man ?
MC- Not that sort of Mick. It’s his name, it’s short for Michael.
SAL – Now I understand.
MC- As Michael has a Wooden eye and a speech impediment, he lacks confidence and thought he was hopeless and unemployable.
He said he wished he had a job and a girlfriend.
MC- When I met him, I told him as I used to be a butcher, I knew he would be suitable for work in that industry. So I drove him out to
meatworks and they said they would give him a trial as a Boner.
A couple of weeks later, I saw him again and asked him how things were going.
Now that’s another story.

After the fortnight, he got his first pay and went to the hotel for a few drinks. He had a couple of XXXX Golds and saw a pretty girl
sitting by herself. To get a bit of Dutch courage to approach her, he had some Bundy & Cokes to settle his nerves. He walked up to
her and said –

Hi, I am Michael. How would you like to go home to a BBBBBBBoner every night. The lass, excited by that sort of proposition couldn’t
contain herself and screamed out – Wouldn’t I ? Poor old Mick thought she was mimicking his eye and let rip his reply which was –
Shut up, Cunt Face, before he stormed out of the hotel with his self esteem in tatters.
SAL- That is sad. As it sounds like she wanna him real bad to makea love to her and he stuffed up real bad.
SPV – What about you Salvatore. How are things with you ?

By this time, between the effect of the whole day’s alcohol consumption and the noisy restaurant customers, MC thought he heard Salvatore say the following –
I have to get my tubes tied and nuts aligned next month and the whole operation is going to be very expensive without insurance.
So MC replies – No Sal, that’s for sheilas, not blokes. Do you mean the snip ? Sal.
SPV – JC, Miscarriage. He said he needs new tubes and tyres and with a wheel alignment, the whole exercise will be an expensive one as he has to pay his car insurance as well next month. Let’s get out of here, before you make a complete fool of yourself.

Can we have the bill please, Sav ?

SAL still gobsmacked by what he had just come out of MC’s mouth, produced the bill which indicated that the early diner’s discount well had been well and truly cancelled by the wine bill.
MC figured it was his time to pay as SPV had shouted him a wonderful day at the football. He began to search for his wallet but as he couldn’t find it, he hoped he have left it in the corporate box at the MCG.
SPV then said – What is it with you Miscarriage ? Everywhere you fucking go, you loose something – passports, credit cards, get bank account details wrong and now this. To which Miscarriage replied – Well you know what say, Sir Prince – a fool and his money are soon parted.
So SPV got out the Platinum Plus VISA, paid the bill and they left the premises, SPV decided as it was still early and as the night was still a pup, a couple of cleansing ales wouldn’t go astray at the hotel across the road.

Once seated at the bar, SPV spied a sign at the entrance to another bar which stated – LIVE MUSIC $10 Cover Charge. So before parting with his hard earned , he decided to send MC over to enquire as to what type of music would be on that evening ? So MC swayed over in his size 13 brown suede shoes, and in some sort of Swahali speak approached the doorman –

MC to the doorman – Ex -Cuuuuuuuse me, what type of music is it, tonight ?
Is it rock,blues, soul, jazz. 70’s or 80’s etc ?
The doorman answered- Country and Western
On the way back, MC purchased a couple of pints with some loose change he found in his pockets and then this conversation took place –
SPV to MC – So, what’s the go with the music ?
MC to SPV – I dunno, he didn’t explain it real well, just said its some cunt from Preston !
After another mouthful of his beer –
MC to SPV – I wouldn’t mind some more shiraz, hearing some jazz, something like a sax session, cause who doesn’t love a good blow !

With that, SPV swallowed the contents of his pint and decided that was time to call it quits and get MC and himself home on the tram before they got locked up for the night.

Run 2032 Pictures Here

Date:30/9/2016

Location: Costa D’oro. Surfers Paradise

Host: Sir Botcho

Hashers:40

Roving reporter Annie “Shiraz” Lane from the  ABC reporting on  “The Gold Coast Splinter Hash”

Well here I am again out and about with the Gold Coast Hash.

 Today was a special event!  I was invited along with Sir Botcho’s wife Cappaccino and other well dressed ladies to attend the September Splinter lunch.

Wow! This Splinter Lunch is certainly getting more popular each month…40 was the count. When questioned about the large number of attendees. Sir Rabbit the spokes person for the group, told me that I was the attraction and that boys just love a bit of eye candy.

The girls were in fine form knocking  back the reds in keeping with the Splinter Lunch tradition… never leave any wine behind.

Sir Botcho  was celebrating his 70th apparently!! I myself would not have him a day over 69 plus a few days perhaps. LOL

Cappuccino returned from the kitchen with a magnificent Birthday cake with only one candle for him to blow out. The call came out from some over lubricated Hasher  ” put more candles on the cake” Another Hasher called out speech! speech ! You always have something to say Sir Botcho, and we have trouble keeping you quiet on Monday nights.

The few times that I have had the pleasure to chat with Sir Botcho I have found him a reserved polite person with not much to say at all. He responded to the call outs with a simple thankyou. What a gentlemen.

I was told by Flasher, these names have me bloody confused! (got his naming after being caught flashing his arse on a run in Bancock I believe) that Sir Botcho’s  favourite saying is, “Why let the truth stand in the way of a good story.”

As the wine bottles were being emptied a call was made to move to the local Irish Pub for a few cleansing ales. No I! The pace is too much for me.

 September Splinter Lunch Pictures Here