Run: 1703
Hare: Bung & Point Two
Location: MacIntosh Island
Date: 21st June, 2010

The chill of a winter’s night was not to put off a depleted pack caused by mass evacuation of our loyal members to interhash from paying their respects to fallen member “Bilgepump”. The pack gathered at McIntosh Park pit area preceding 6 pm for the mandatory 6.15pm start. The hare arrives right on 6.15 and acting GM Sir AH calls the pack to order and Point Two announces the trail is in gyprock, gyprock and gyprock……… oh fuck!!! Another slog on the tarmac echoes from the pack. A fast run through the park along Tedder ave and round the beach to Budds Beach boat ramp past a very interesting set of “Gyprock arrows” finds the pack together for a cold XXXX gold and a commemorative port gathered on the shores of Budds Beach to hear a tribute from Bung (our man of FEW words) for Bilge Pump and to a traditional Hash hymn in memory.

Back to the park for a savory nosh of organic hamburgers cooked by our virgin Bunge and prepared by Point Two who only told the pack three times how long it took to prepare the sliced tomatoes, pineapple and beetroot…….. Amazing how they don’t cut that beetroot and pineapple before they put it in the can ???????? KB gets the arse as assistant chef and a list of amateurs do a reasonable job of cooking the fare.  $15 hamburgers… what a bargain echoes from a few (hamburger cooks included).  Just wait……… all is forgotten when the pack devour the nosh with numerous visits back for seconds and thirds. Lots of members plates are visible … the $2 cost is working a treat with some balancing the burger on a bread slice to avoid the penalty.

Ferret assists with protocol and calls 1 minute to circle to assist Acting GM Sir AH at 8.45pm. Aussie SUCKS up to acting GM with dribble and gets away with it, the R/A arrives with his regalia looking like fresh from an audience with a divine power and announces the staff of doom and new hash punishment will prevail. Some suggest the R/A might be into other activities with his new regalia, however the R/A insists he is feeling the power more each day.
Hares Bung and Point Two( quoted as the “Virgin” and the “Old Virgin”) are called to circle and given the mandatory DD …….. Fellow hamburger cook Josephine suggests amazing value for the 25% increase in weekly subs is clearly reflected in the nosh and declares that quantity has added bonus points to take the “nosh score” out to an amazing 8/10. Hamburger bias is suspected as a contributing factor. Josephine offers a note.

Errant POW Cameron returns the pack with “prick” in hand. A prompt call for POW from AGM Sir AH sees Cameron award it to Tightarse to give “NEW BLOOD” to the award. On Sec questions the term “New Blood”  Hmmmmmmmmmm Tight arse no more maybe????
Croc gets a yellow card from ref Sir AH for talking back at the ref.
The new POW DD container proves to be a challenge to Tight Arse with a  double   Triple Quadruple   Quintuple  Sextuple  breach of hash tradition.

Quote ….Tradition 7. “When drinking in the circle, your beverage must be full. If it is not you may receive donations from the other hashers. The circle will sing the Down Down song and then the hasher in the circle will drink his beverage. If at any time the beverage leaves the lips prior to its entire contents being drunk, then the remainder must be dumped over the head of the drinker. Having finished your beverage, you tip it upside down over your head to show the other hashers your drinking skill and you may exit the circle.”
AGM hands over to his holiness R/A
Aussie is first victim with the hat on (told 4 times) in circle and gets to initiate the new straight arm hash tradition object of GCHHH. Aussies fails to get one drop home to the required mouth area ( amazing considering the size of it )and contributes to the family washing pile once again. Tight Arse and Dumbshit get DD’d for over achieving, Two Dogs offers a note.
Rainbow has a strange “Partner ????” flat mate arrive to circle unannounced and is accused of breaching RULE ONE of Hash.   He says “ no” …. I save that for my sister!!!

Charges are called for …….

Botcho charges KB with mobile phone use on the run, KB claims he is only checking on Caustic who is on an undercover mission in Brisbane Fortitude Valley looking for assistants for the AGPU … Well done Caustic, good to see you doing soooooooo much early research. A DD follows.
Botcho gets Hash Karma as Swollen notes his new shoes …. A traditional shoe DD follows.
Caustic’s run list is almost complete … you can go solo or pair up old farts and new virgins, but very shortly you will be advised the list is final and you must then arrange your own swaps if you cannot do your run, and YOU MUST ADVISE TRAIL MASTER CAUSTIC CRUSADER. Caustic will be at next week’s run with his trusty lap top to finalize the year!!!
Returning runners Mad Mike and Cameron were recognized with DDs
Rainbow announces a new job and his new boss is no other than Dumbshit. It is quality control officer at the Gold Coast airport.  HASH TIP ……. Fly out of Brisbane!!!!!!!!!!!!
Swollen gets a yellow card from Ref Sir AH with minutes to full time for dobbing.
Circle closes 9.12 pm
Almost made it under the hour.
On On
Kitchen Bitch
PS. Thanks Croc for all you help setting this up.

Run: 1702
Hare: Shat
Location: Budds Beach
Date: 14th June, 2010

Gathering at the Shat Shack Budds Beach and a fast run around Chevron Island and through the bright lights of Surfers Paradise up to the beach to a welcome drink stop and a quite jog back to the Shat Shack………… sounds like a simple plan says Shat. Hmmmmmmm……………. seems Shat had over-estimated the connection of our new R/A with the weather gods. It’s 4.15PM and your scribe drops by to do the neighborly thing to assist with either set up or drink tasting…..Wrong !!! Shat says weather looks like it will hold!! 30 seconds later R/A’s lack of influence is apparent and the heavens open, a quick check of the trail finished 5 minutes earlier shows it is now totally f$#@&%.

Another Hash debacle is quickly forming…. Cancel the drinks !!! Set a new trail in 25 minutes…
No problem!!

Shat sets out, KB plays taxi and the trail is set over Chevron and back to the bridge…….. It’s now 4.50 PM and the pack of 30 hashers is forming. F%#@!!!!!!!!!!

Plan “B” says Shat ….. Sir Slab can “live hare” them from the bridge up to the drink stop on the beach and we will “on home” them from there…. Simple!!

Plan “C” evolves !! …….. KB will skip the run and mark the trail from the bridge to the drink stop and “on home” them from there….. easy!!

Run them through “Circle on Cavill” says Shat, then up Cavill Ave up to the beach, left down to “Focus” along the beach to the drinks stop. Hmmmmmm!! Pretty easy.

KB has thetrail is marked to Circle and KB is about to head up to Cavill……. Swollen short cuts Chevron out completely and catches KB at the Circle steps.

Plan “D” … Swollen will take KB’s car to the beach and KB will mark the run to the beach.. very simple!!! ..Wrong ! Swollen says “Oh fuck !!!! I can’t drive ….. I’ve been on the piss all arvo!

Plan “E” …. Swap rolls…… Swollen will mark the trail ….. Left at the beach and down to “Focus” …… Kid’s stuff!! …. Wrong!

Swollen must be “pissed” and heads the pack right (south) down the beach and the frustrations of not being elected “trail master” come to the fore.. Swollen creates his own trail.

Shat gets 4 members to the drink stop!!!!!!!!!!! Says ….I love a good fuck up!!!

The Pack finds its way back to the Shat Shack.

An excellent “Fuck up”

The Venue is transferred from the beach park and into the botanical gardens of the Shat Shack.

A tasty 3 course nosh and welcome drinks follow.

New GM Flasher calls for “circle” at 6.45 pm.

GM Flasher rises to new heights thanks to his new “soap box” present.

R/A arrives looking more like Pope CumSmoke the third.

GM calls Pizza into the circle for yet another interruption … Shut up Pizza is GM’s instruction.

Down downs are issued freely to

Botcho…. Amazing effort!!

Sir Prince , Blowfly, Nowloved, ………. Welcome back from immunity lads!!!

Shut up Pizza!!

GM Flasher announces his love of the new hierarchy ………. Hierarchy humbly respond!!

Darwin Don is DD’d and recognized for his 87 years and hashing around the world including climbing Mt Warning with GCHHH.

Moonbeam’s poor singing gets recognition!!

Our R/A continues his reign of terror…….. New terminologies of the DD containers exude from his papal mind.

“Pale of blasphemy” gets awarded to Croc.

“Bed Pan of euphemism” goes to Swollen for his “pissed trail”

Sir Prince gets another DD……. (Pay back!!!)

Pizza gets iced!!!! The new bed pan icing gets initiated and Pizza’s normal shy nature continues to show.

Two Dogs gets a DD for taking over from “Serial pest Cumsmoke” for all the fingers in the AGPU photos. Rockhard strikes a note, Sir Prince strikes a note to Pizza and Swollen,

Charges come from Misscarraige on KB’s new plate (stolen) … a trumped up charge ( On sec license) , Bottle top payments on Hash cash see Darwin Don, Dumbshit and Sir Prince ( back for his 3^rd DD)for hat in circle.

Dumbshit gets to try the new foot icing bedpan including Pizzas left over anal ice.

A touching moment follows as Caustic Crusader hands over the “King Rat” hat and mantle to Swollen.

Swollen then gets initiated into Rat pack pay back with a DD for having his new hat on in circle. Hitler strikes a note.

Pizza is back on the ice and declares bladder capacity issues.

Botcho challenges the last POW to get it or its last awarded member back ASAP.

Pizza’s bladder issues are solved?????????

Now loved gives the nosh 7.5

GM announces some changes to Hash costs …. Refer his note prior to departing to interhash. GM announces this has been “a taste of things to come” this year.

Don’t forget!! Bring your plate …Win a prize. Don’t bring your plate …….. $2 each.

Next week’s run ……. Bung ……… Bilgepump memorial run from McIntosh park pit stop.

Minister for loose ends will stand in for GM for the next few weeks.

Circle closed at 8-05PM.

How do we fit soooooo much into one night?

on on

On Sec

Kitchen Bitch

Run: 1701 AGPU
Hare: Hierarchy
Location: Broadbeach
Date: 7th June, 2010

Hash Trash AGPU 2010

The winter chills of a brisk June evening saw the pack huddled in the Broadbeach Park prior to 6pm to make sure the fictitious bus would not leave without them. Members of the “rat pack” adjourned for the mandatory pre AGPU beer at Moo Moo, Swollen in his 3XL shirt looked more like a wayward schoolgirl than a hashman, promises to “keep his clothes on this year were met with some mirth and comments of “doesn’t matter anyway” cascade across the bar. Calls of “where’s the fucking beers “start to echo across the park

However the guise of the fictitious bus proved simple to be a ploy of the outgoing hierarchy to ensure all noted the arrival in style of the hierarchy in a further contribution to “the black hole” along with two suitably endowed assistants for the night that followed.

Your scribe will attempt to recall from the alcoholic fog and no notes the events of the 2010 AGPU.

The pack was led off by able trailmaster Botcho across four sets of lights and cross roads to arrive at Valentinos restaurant located some 20 metres from the original gathering point. Crown lager flowed like water and plates of anti pasta were consumed by the forty odd gathered on the pavement. It is already apparent that a couple of members had started their AGPU celebrations a little earlier, Pizza is already talking Swahili.

Nasty plays “Cinderella” with the GM’s hat looking for a likely candidate. Flasher’s 16 year old pith hat goes missing, KB gets the blame.

The pack adjourns to the restaurant private room built for 20 …. But no complaints as the two assistants have difficulty reaching through the gaps. Miscarriage and his twin are finally reunited, Latrine sculls his first bottle of red and Pizza is talking more shit. We are off to a flying start!! Pussy Boy has an unfortunate incident as the chair supporting him and an assistant attempting to wipe something off either side of his nose collapses under “the load”. Minutes later Dumbshit has a completely solo attempt at the same stunt, destroying the restaurant’s chair (more black hole). The noise is unbearable …. Ferret’s happy, he forgot the hearing aid. Camera shots prevail, Latrine’s on the second, Croc’s looking a bit strange, Dicky Knee breaks the diet, the maitre de attempts to read the menu, Cum Smoke gets noisier.

Flasher’s hat’s gone again … Dumbshit has it in safe custody.

The first round of awards is handed out to a roar of comments to all nominees.

Best run goes to …………Circumference

Best virgin run goes to………… Pussy Boy/Hitler

Most runs goes to………… Sir Rabbit

Best nosh goes to …………Kitchen Bitch

Worst nosh goes to …………Show Pony

Serial offender goes to ………….Cum Smoke

Greatest debacle goes to …………Aussie

Hashman of the year goes to ………… Kitchen Bitch

Hash service award over and above the call of duty goes to………… Botcho

The night continues …………..

Moonbeams can’t hear over the noise and more shit from Pizza, Main course arrives, Latrine gets scolded by the assistants for his red stash under the table, Croc’s deteriorating fast, Hash quite is the impossible plea from GM Nasty, Swollen part breaks the pledge to keep his clothes on, Assistants put a new meaning to “nipple rings”, Latrine’s asleep.

Moonbeams departs, Cum Smoke has got to 134 decibels, Private Dicky Knee has hat on backwards for racing, Blowfly watches the booze black hole blow out to enormous proportions, Flasher’s hat is totally missing, Two Dogs breaks into a cold sweat … GM announcement is coming up, Caustic takes over Latrines red tasting duties, Mumbles and Pizza now understand each other perfectly, VD offers the assistants some advise on Thai dancing and cultural aspects, Assistants have little regard for VD’s opinion, VD offers advice to younger members, younger members have little regard for VD’s opinion, Croc is officially pissed, Assistants depart, Sir Prince calls for Hash Quite and the room drops to a hush…………………. It’s time for the hierarchy announcements.

The Hierarchy Oscars are announced as follows.

Minister for loose ends ………….. Sir AH

On Sec ………….. Kitchen Bitch (F#@&)

Trail Master ……………… Caustic Crusader

Booze Masters ……………. Goat Farker/Cumagen

Religious Advisor …………… Cum Smoke

GRAND MASTER ……………….. FLASHER !!!!!!!!

With the formalities over it was time for a serious bout of Cum Smoke with his newly found powers, working on the old adage “if the shoe fits wear it” our new religious Advisor was in full flight in association with the new GM Flasher ……. down downs and the new innovation for 2010-11 “ICE BUCKETS” were dished out to unruly members including EX GM Nasty.

WELL DONE to Nasty and all Nasty party Hierarchy on an excellent Hash year!!!!!

The evening’s entertainment concluded with a superb display of pole dancing from officially pissed Croc, Cum Smoke headed off to the “big house”, Nasty went home sober, Pizza and Mumbles are in love, Flasher’s hat mysteriously turns up, Flasher decides he doesn’t need it coz he has brand new shiny one now, KB gets the hat, and that’s the end of that.

On On …….. KB.

Run: 1970
Hare: VD
Location: Palm Beach
Date: 31st  May, 2010

“Maaaaaate!” said  VD over the phone in a slightly panicked voice at 5.30 last Monday night.”The powers been off all day and I am half way through cooking the nosh. Can you pick up 40 pencils on your way to hash?” With that VD hung up abruptly leaving me to consider my options. Could I do a lightning strike on the Keno area at Burleigh Bowls Club and get away with it? Then I remembered that anal bitch of a manager I used to have(I’m not bitter) who was never comfortable without 5 years supply of stationary and, casting aside dark and murderous thoughts, realised I had plenty of writing implements within my relocated home office.

At the On On  site a much calmer VD handed out the questions that would have the pack traverse the attractive surrounding area in search of answers. One of the questions involved a bucket(was it Pink, Purple or Green?)and  another related to how many pylons for the bridge(very disappointing that no hashers swam under the bridge to count)Due to logistical problems the bucket did not make it to the designated spot. However it did have a nice walk with Flasher around the headland.

His Eminence and Grand Master, Nasty, called the circle after a conversation stopping nosh of marinara in a beautiful red sauce followed by lamingtons and birthday cake from the GM himself. A very good feed indeed.

To begin proceedings Two Dogs returned the GM’s headdress and pondered if it had been left behind at his pad as some kind of hint. VD was called in to the circle and received a barrage of comments including “not hash tonight” from Botcho whilst Josephine called it  “the car rally run” .In his defence VD remarked that he “thought it a good idea to show young blokes that you can do things differently.” Staying on track he awarded prizes to the joint winners Bung and Cameron. Bung liked the run as a winner would and Cameron thought it was a good concept .Asked by the GM what he thought of the nosh Pussy Boy replied “spectacular, today or tomorrow.” The hare enjoyed a Down Down.

Also partaking of DD’s were Sir Slab and Two Dogs for pushing in front of the GM in the nosh queue. Point Two was commended for standing back.

Moving along the GM called out all those who had been on committee in the last 5 years. As this was most of the circle Cum Smoke noted that calling out those who had done anything would be more effective.

“Innocent recipient” Caustic Crusader was invited into the circle as incumbent Prick of the Week and immediately listed as candidates Rainbow (no Friends)Flasher(bucket logistics failure) and Rug(looking cold)but settled on Cameron for taking 2 gulps to get a down down  down.

Minister for Loose Ends, Sir Prince Valiant, then informed the circle that a certain hasher had defaced the National Park and used his question paper for other purposes. Tasting the retrieved evidence, diligently provided by Rainbow, Sir Prince went fi,fi,fo , declared it English and called out the ex-Englishman present. Pommy,Mumbles and Rug all stepped forward with Mumbles forced to acknowledge he was “guilty as charged.”as the defecating defacer.

Next came the birthday boys Josephine(52)and the GM(the big 50)Josephine told how the GM mentioned his party some weeks ago in an inebriated moment but forgot to actually invite him. Miscarriage charged Sir Rabbit with new shoes and the

fact that the tags were still on them was a dead give away .Sir Rabbit enjoyed a DD as did Caustic who was charged by Kitchen Bitch as being ”dyslexic and useless” as a navigator. Botcho charged Ferret with locking his keys in the boot and calling the RACQ without trying the drivers door. Josephine tried to influence the GM to make Ferret have his DD out of his Ugg boots.

Miscarriage gave himself a note after being charged by Pussy Boy for not singing and went on to describe his experience as the designated driver for Gordy, the GM’s father, at the recent splinter lunch and birthday occasion.After having some trouble with wheelchairs and automatic doors he deposited Gordy in the dining room at the nursing home only to be set upon by Nurse Ratchett who was unamused as to his state. She said she would have to medicate Gordy and probably thought she would like to do it to  Miscarriage.

The evening concluded with Caustic and Kitchen Bitch giving a little dissertation on torches and VD informing the circle that Madamoiselle Latrine was injured after falling from his bike. We hope it’s not too serious.

Thanks to VD for an “interesting run” and a brilliant nosh.

Thanks also to Rug and Cum Smoke for stepping up in my rare absences and thanks to any who may have read these words over my tenure.

As it is still undecided as to the next On Sec all participants at next week’s AGPU are advised to bring pen and paper(the memory won’t work)in case they need to report on said magnificent event.

On On

Now Loved

On Sec.