Run: 1718
Hare: Arseup & VD
Location: Ashmore
Date: 4th Oct, 2010

Summer must be here !!!!

Our Hash numbers are on the increase!!

27,28,29 FUCK !!! say VD.

The pack gathers in the middle of beautiful Benowa for VD’s third run this year (should have it right by now!!) Arse-up has set a trail through the scrub and around the hills of Benowa … markings are under trees and lights where ever possible and the recent heavy rain appears to be staying away….. Amazing the powers of our R/A !!!
31,32,33 FUUUUUUUUCK !!!! VD calls KB in ……..Portion control!!! Portion control!!!

The pack heads out into the wilds and the walkers take a leisurely stroll around the hills, only to spot Sir Prince leaving out the side gate of a property….. “just popped in for a coldly” ………….Where’s ours???

The pack gathers back at the park with excellent comments flowing on the run!!

34,35 FUCK 36

More water in the soup KB !!!

GM Flasher calls “circle in 5 Minutes”

Able assistant Dicky Knee calls “Circle in 5 Minutes”

The beer flows freely and the rumor spreads that the Booze Master MAY have secured an assistant booze master and we will soon be back on the “ Keg gig” real soon.

Flasher calls circle in 3 Minutes.

Dicky Knee calls circle in 4 Minutes ????

Sir AH is hiding from the R/A … figures that painting job cannot have gone well with all this rain … “I’m laying low “

Circle in 1 minute says Flasher

Circle in 4 minutes say Dicky Knee.

Shut the fuck up says Flasher.

Circle in 1 minute is the immediate response from Dicky!!

8.30 PM on the dot circle is called.

Why are we waiting ?? Why are we waiting?? Echoes through the park… seems Flasher had trouble with the mystery dog collar and chain ????????????????

Tonight’s sponsor is announced as Ferret’s Fumigation Service ( Beds are a specialty) Dutch ovens optional.

First up as usual are the hares…. Arse Up and VD

Moonbeams is asked for his input on the run …… “Sweeping was great and a very interesting run with great markings GM” At times Moonbeams didn’t know if he was heading North, South East or West he says!! ( not bad considering he walked it )

8 out of 10 GM !!! was the score.

Sir Slab commented on the nosh and asked VD if he came in on budget????

OF COURSE !!!!! says VD

Great job !!!! MATE was Sir Slab’s comment … it was noted that NO score out of ten was offered. It should also be noted that the portion control worked a treat with a few lucky hashers even coming back for seconds.

Bent Banana offers a note.

Ferret is busy counting and POTENTIALLY doubting the hash cash’s numbers…. Seems his accounting background sees him have the occasional break out in this direction ……. All is well the count is confirmed at 36.

RETURNING RUNNERS.

Nasty ….. Back from China ( AGAIN) and Singapore.

Dumb shit …. Back from Bali.

Moonbeams …… back from his fourth honeymoon.

Pizza …… back from the Paris end of Bundall and his new computer course.

Semen …. Back from the blue waters of the Pacific.

Mumbles …… Back from visiting Rose (great to see you back)

IT WAS NOTED THAT THERE WERE NO PRESENTS FOR THE GM from any of these R/Rs. Pizza offered a dose of some STD he carries but it was politely declined.

Mumbles then finds a need to bring the pack up to speed with what has gone on in his absence ….. Your On Sec will attempt to translate.

“ Mmmmm nnnnn zzz the mmmm zzzz wwww and mmmmm plunger mmmm nnnn zzzzzzz wwwwwww so the mmmmmmmm hhhh nn . Then I mmmmmmmmm www vvnnnnnnnn ppppppppp nnn oooo plunger got mmmm nnn ssssssssss oooooo . So that’s the way it was.”

Swollen offered a note.

VISITORS ….

Just Stephen quest of Caustic.

Short circuit. (Interhash reporter)

Tidal wave. Moving here.

Mumbles offers a note..

Next up is our illustrious R/A in full regalia.

He enters the circle with an obvious amount of spunk in his stride.

First up are the hares ……. Complimentary bugs in the nosh is the charge.

Seems the R/A is the only one with them …… (must have been standing next to Pizza)

Dicky Knee offers a note.

Latrine is called in for his Harry High Pants …. Standing next to the R/A he still tops his height even with the Papal hat on.

Now Loved is also called for Dress code regulations .. simple answer for the shirt on inside out ……… “the outside is dirty R/A”

Booze Master is in for transferring the Hieneken brewery from Holland to Germany without telling the dutch.

Semen offers a note.

R/A calls for charges ……… NOT ONE comes forward.

POW Rug is up next.

His most favoured are ……

Ferret …….. Seems he feels he could be calling Rug a dumbshit too.

Blowfly …. Pushing in…..in front of the GM.

Pizza ….. Critical of the pasta (nosh)

However he risks breaking Hash rules and gives the POW to a sometimes visitor. Simon from the Hong Kong Hash …….. Better known as Nasty.

The reason for awarding the POW to Nasty…….. Simple !!! “To bring him back next week”

Nasty goes to HOT FAVOURITE to win the POW DD competition….. He drops it in ONE gulp and doesn’t spill a drop. Latrine and Nasty fight out the lead…. Latrine has the timing record however the consumption/spillage level is certainly Nasty’s.

Sir Prince is called for the secret letter comp and confesses to not looking BEFORE it is declared that there wasn’t one this week ….. A DD followes for Sir Prince.

Botcho gives a note.

Trail Master Caustic reminds the pack of the NOT TO BE MISSED Octoberfest next week.

$20 a head for all you can eat and drink with additional entertainment.

DRESS RULES APPLY ……….. Wear something German!!!!

………. Hogan’s Heros springs to mind.

Rumour has it the R/A is coming as a Jewish rabbi.

The V8 Supercar bookie has blamed the “Fuck me the computer crashed” excuse. Real fact is ……. He is holding that much on this one event he cannot lay the bets off anywhere.

Seems there has been a late mail on Semen having some potion he picked up O/S and Cumsmoke has got his hands on it……. Or is that HAND ON IT??

Nasty makes a plea for assistance to take over two runs he is not here for …. Trail master Caustic (how did he get that name ?? ) is quick to note that this is Nasty’s sixth change.

Swollen offers advice on farting on public transport ………. Ferret listens intently!!

Moonbeams calls “END OF CIRCLE”

It’s 9.00 PM on the dot !!!!!!!!

Run: 1717
Hare: Latrine
Location: Labrador
Date: 27th Sept., 2010
Was it the reputation of the Hare for a great Hash run, the whisper of a great nosh, the location of down town Labrador or the chance to win a six pack of German piss that enticed 35 runners to turn up for Latrine’s hash on steroids??

War and peace had nothing on the list of instructions, building the harbour bridge was a snap compared to the logistics and ‘a la carte in the park was a breeze compared to the 5 course nosh. Latrine was always going to deliver 100% hash and he sure did!!

Gathered in the park opposite the Latrine lounge were the expectant 35 runners waiting patiently for the “A” “B” and “C” instructions. Noticed in this group was our R/A Cumsmoke and Sir AH in deep conversation …….. now what do I do with the roller again AH ?? Cumsmoke says … I will need more help later OK it’s a big job and I don’t want to fuck it up!!!

Off into the wilds head the pack with Latrine announcing right on the start whistle that the pack will be back at 8.15 YES 8 (Eight) 15 that’s two hours away. Look for the drink stop and introduce yourself to “Movie-star” to get a cold drink on the way through, look out for hats and Buddas along the way and earn yourself a six pack.

Sure enough the logistics got out of hand as some of the pack got lost ( or quit) heading back to the drink stop and gather in the park. Finally the Swollen ambulance delivered back the “A” to “B” crew at 8.10 pm. The emergency pick up machine went out to gather Movie-star and Swollen with the half full esky … even if it was his ambulance Latrine had bigger things on his mind …. 5 course nosh had poor Swollen way back in the memory bank.

It’s now 8.45 and the nosh is rolling out with our hare doing laps back to the Latrine kitchen in record time, smoked Salmon Canapes with Capers and then quiche Lorraine followed by palate cleansing watermelon pieces with fresh banana. On to main course ….. Chilli Con Carne over rice with garden salad followed by fresh fruit salad. WOW and all that inside budget!!!!!!!!!! THAT’S the TRUTH!!

9.10pm Circle is called.

This week’s sponsor is “Missing Link Lounges” with a most attractive advertising promotion of self indulgence from Link …. seems his sales pitch is “they feel great on your bare arse” or other bits in the same region!!

The Hare is first up……..

Caustic claims to have covered the ‘A”-“B” run and calls it as the best hash run in a VERY long time …. long being the operative word…. seems he went to the Parkwood water tower via Beenleigh. Latrine gets the “Clap” for a great effort!! Bent Banana claimed a twisted ankle and Rug picked up the prize of six German beers for looking up and spotting the hat while all the taller people were ducking under the branches. Swollen found the Budda ( likes attract) Rabbit and Caustic also claimed the same prize with two Buddas Latrine will adjudicate. Swollen gives a note!

Swollen then gives a nosh report and claims the chilli was a “bit too hot” for his delicate palate giving the nosh a VERY harsh score of 7.9/10

GM claimed no fruit salad ………. perhaps that was coz he was back for the third helping of main course????

Old Fart gives a note!!

RETURNING RUNNERS..

Botcho with Bali belly, Bent Banana back from his 1^st class trip with graft for the GM. Stubby been busy for the last six months making billions for the bank. Arse up took 4 months to get back from interhash. Dicky Knee accused of says nasty things about the GM and claimed being a 4 schooner piss pot and not driving the GM

Rockhard gives a note!

VISITORS…

Mirco from Switzerland , Chris and Sean from Melbourne are all guests of Caustic.

Movie (porn) star is a guest of Latrine Lounge Inc.

Caustic gives a note to the dulcet tones of Edelweiss.

LEAVING O/S … Rockhard on the 12^th October …. More later!! See him on the last night at our Octoberfest run NOT TO BE MISSED!!!!

R/A is called arriving NAKED of his papal robes of office.

Charges are called for …….. Swollen claims 3 goals in on the AFL should NOT transfer to double or nothing at SIX goals in …. pays the R/A $10 and calls it quits.

Swollen is back again charging the hare wit totally forgetting him and Moviestar with the heavy esky.

Sir Rabbit is charged with not fronting with the birthday Crownies by Latine …….. Sir Rabbit uses his powers as minister for trivial charges and escapes the ice (for now)

KB is charged by Ferret for “the worst scene in hash in many years” …. using the 4×4 to attend the drink stop!!! Poor Ferret has been miss informed and did not realise the on sec had to transport the poor GM who has a reoccurring hash injury that even stopped him from doing the walk, other members went along to support the GM. KB somehow escapes the ice when the R/A finds a rare moment of compassion.

POW Latrine now gives a 15 minute charge for the next POW!!!

Starting with the hierarchy…..

GM can’t run, KB needed a fill in for the words(Latrine) Caustic no respect for the dick operation of Latrine. Cumagen for NO kegs for weeks. Missing Link for squatting at a fellow hash house.

However he has a MUCH better target ……. (I will try to cover the story as best I can )

The tale started with the splinter lunch and a $50 bottle of wine that Latrine took to give to Sir Slab … the new POW spotted it and said I’ll just have a sip to try it coz I’m driving ….. One full bottle of red later our POW has abandoned driving, designated Latrine to drive and is on a missing to get totally smashed.

Departure from Hooters was some $50 later for our POW and Ferret, then out to the car park for driving lessons for the resident yank ( Quote Yanks can’t drive in Australia) our new POW then proceeds to show Latrine how to get the car out and prangs it!!! Onward to Sir Prince’s place to proceed to burn EVERY Brownie point he has in one visit, urinate in the pool was even mentioned.

( Caustic and Swollen suggest the sun is coming up !!! Latrine is only half way through)

7PM the new POW’s phone rings and he is not capable of answering it so Latrine answers “Dr Andrews emergency ward” Gold Coast hospital. Seems Mrs New POW was not impressed. Latrine says OK I’ll drop you off home if you can promise me Mrs New POW is not there ………. “It’s OK she’s not there” ……….WRONG !!!!

Finally completing a hash run with an umbrella last week topped it off for our new POW !!

Front and centre …POW RUG

Latrine gives a note and Rug drops the POW glass in two gulps (equal second)

Next week’s run Arse up/VD

Swollen claims a new sex position…. sure to catch on our west!!

Circle closed just before sunrise.

A great night in hash!!

On On

KB

Run: 1716
Hare: Elvis
Location: Labrador
Date: 20th Sept., 2010

Darkness had already fallen upon Musgrave Avenue’s dog park as a motley handful of hounds emanated from the dark drizzle to crouch under the open tailgate of Swollen Colon’s van to evade the inclement weather. With only 6 hounds assembled 3 minutes before the scheduled run start – an ON HOME – was called to the PROPER venue at the Soccer Club premises on the northern side of Musgrave Avenue where the remaining hounds waited.

Hare ELVIS was in full soccer regalia and delayed the start to 6:23 pm in hopes of stragglers. With less than 20 Hashers assembled, the Hare advised the trail was WELL marked. Honestly, Elvis had set the run 3 (that’s THREE) times to ensure sufficient flour, paper and chalk survived the rainy weather.
THE RUN?
With a lack of enthusiasm never, ever, witnessed by this journo, the beleaguered dirty dozen headed out across the paddock. Some hounds never ever left the gate. Our esteemed Grand Master, Flasher announced a Shin Splint would ensure he remained dry for the evening (and ready for the Indochina Mekong Hash in Cambodia in October). Aussie, who announced he was planning to travel to Cairns this Thursday, also remained behind to safeguard his health and the Hash booze. Point Two claimed he was designated driver and would also remain a booze minder so as to ensure proper company for the GM and other lazy clods. Sir Slab, who is still languishing from Interhashitis, cajoled Circumference – and possible another one or two – into a five minute “walk”.

The departing paddock crew was not much better off. Within 2 minutes of the run commencing in the downpour, Swollen Colon veered westward and then south in search of the lost trail. Mademoiselle Latrine went wayward north with the Boozemaster while the remaining pack sauntered and slipped in the green ooze eastward. It fell to Sir Prince Valiant to horn the On On as the ever decreasing pack went east then south to the dog park. It was a limited engagement, I tell you. Two Dogs, Sir Prince Valiant, Sir Rabbit, Missing Link, Shetland, Cum Smoke, Ferrett? and only 2 others managed to hold the trail. Rug – being the pompous POM, had the audacity to carry an umbrella over himself the entire time as he sauntered at the heels of the half dozen who mired their way through the darkness and slop. Swollen Colon, Boozemaster and Latrine caught up with the pack (not hard when the front running bastards are all WALKING) and the pack now reassembled – and nine strong – reverted to Musgrave Avenue – to encounter our Hare, Elvis (standing under an umbrella) to point the pack westward along Musgrave Avenue.

The rain began to relent but the tempo of the bedraggled, small pack did not increase. Two Dogs bolted westward to pass Latrine in search of paper whilst Swollen Colon powered north on Sir Valiant’s instructions which he’d received from the Hare (who was at the venue saving his energy for an 8:30 soccer match). Further trail was SIMPLY not to be found and Missing Link put the death knell on the evening’s jaunt by stating “it’s 7 now and when we get back it’s time to be home” – so in a total sign of surrender, the five remaining Hash men WALKED with slosh in their shoes whilst one Hasher awaited the long on back from Two Dogs for the on Home.

The Hare, to his credit, was acutely aware of the inclement weather’s affects on his fellow Hashers and offered each one of them a HOT SHOWER – something no one anticipated or utilized. Most Hashers were just content to get stuck right into the nosh of medium grained white rice served with one’s choice of Australian style beef or chicken curry. Cum Smoke, who decided to come dressed as a St Kilda fan, and not the Resident Advisor, produced a family sized soup dish and had the catering Sheila’s’ fill it four times. Others were content to return for the second variety of curry and/or sample the apple tart with vanilla ice cream and fruit salad.

With only 17 Hashers present, the Grand Master called the circle to disorder. Two Hashers didn’t even bother to stand.

DOWN DOWNS–

* The Hare for setting a trail three times and yet not a single Hasher could stay on it or complete the 6 km run Elvis had reset twice after setting.

* Rug – for not finding the yellow P on Rock Hard’s pants in the last Hash photos of run 1715.

* Sir Rabbit – for turning 62 years old and not even thinking about bringing a case of Crownies for the Hounds. (This journo has it on good authority that Sir Rabbit will, however, rectify this on next week’s run to evade the block ice).

* Sir Prince Valiant – for not doing the Laundry Valet Service that he was assigned to clean, wash and fold from Ferrett’s run 1715.

PRICK OF THE WEEK – Mademoiselle Latrine (renamed Mademoiselle Obscene by Miscarriage last week) decided that:

• given his recent operation involving loss of consortium
• the upcoming Splinter Hash this Friday, 24 September (Sampaguita Restaurant, Shop 13, 2468 Gold Coast Highway, Mermaid Beach – host Ferrett)
• that Latrine’s run is next week anyway (from Len Fox Park on Marine Parade in Labrador –expect and A to B or B to A run with a drink stop, great nosh and ice in the circle, Sir Rabbit!)

He’d retain the POW for another week – being able to put it to good use in the interim.

The record short circle closed at 8:31 pm as the rain came to stop.

And that’s the TRUTH!

ON ON .. Mademoiselle Latrine (guest scribe)