Run 1850
Date 15th April
Hare Ferret
Venue: Playing Fields, Ron Penhaligon Way, Robina
Weeks to the return of plain speech – 1
Once again the hordes had amassed at the venue (no one on holiday?) (or as Two Dogs suggested – the wives wanted them out of the house) in what were beautiful running conditions. (Although a storm was forecast. Again!) A few familiar faces from yesteryear were evident on what could only be described as a last ditch attempt to get the number of runs up to avoid them the solennial AGPU surcharge.
Standing squarely in front of his laurels, our hare Ferret, proudly proclaimed this as “My best run ever”. Who would have taken Ferret as an aretaloger? Unfortunately the collective experience felt the bar would not have to be lifted a great deal and feared the strong possibility of ending the evening famelicose.
Nonetheless, our amandation was instigated by Ferret and we embarked on what turned out to be a very pleasant circumbilivagination in and around the surrounding boscaresque neighbourhood s. Although it was lacking in bush or shaggy, the route was well marked with plenty of checks and never seemed to venture far from the starting point. The celeripedean amongst us leaped frog each other regularly with noticeable performances exhibited by Flasher, Blackie, Swollen Colon, Jigsaw and Elvis.
The vacimbulators were entertained by the extensive local knowledge of Sir Slab who managed, adlib, to intertwine the walkers with the runners at regular intervals.
Back at the venue old mates caught up with each other in a sodalitious manner whilst Ferret prepared to serve the foodstuffs. By prepared I mean, left it to Kitchen Bitch to complete buccellation. Dipping chips and dips were snacked on until the beef stew was served alongside sliced baguettes. Dessert was a lavishly prepared canned fruit with ice cream.
Much to Truck Tyres chagrin, the advertised prawns did not make an appearance.
The GM opened the circle explaining to all his anticipation of another Ferret F*ck-up but was pleasantly surprised with a good run, causing the interfation of “finally got it right after 40 years” from our professional heckler – Sir Prince.
Blackie was selected as the run agonarch and commented –“came expecting sh*t food and a sh*t run, well the food didn’t surprise”. Well marked run never far from home 7/10. Praise indeed.
Croc extolled the finer points of the guided tour down the “back alleyways” by Sir Slab, lovely 8/10.
Sir AH was asked about te nights feast, he replied”its been served has it? Couldn’t make out what it was, Chicken? (allegedly double A grade beef). Lacked a halatinous quality, decent effort 5.7 ½ as it all came from a tin. (An Aldi tin I feel).
Returners:-
Swollen Colon – Perth, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore and Mackay, shame about the final leg of the tour. Pressy for the GM 20,000 Dong. This led to comments such as “better than 37 cents from Shat” and “I bet it’s the biggest dong you’ve ever seen” (Elvis)
Elvis – famigerated regarding his Rio de Janero reckie, for a world cup trip at a 35 bedroom house, some believed these to be called brothels.
Flasher belatedly presented his returners gift with a with a fallaciloquence pertaining to an exploded cigar of both questionable lineage and value.
DD – to Josephine for suggesting Swollen as a source of Adobe Fireworks to Botcho. The drink was consumed to a twenty five gun salute of the real thing.
Shat praised Josephine for being the only GC hasher born on the GC, well that’s if you consider Toowoomba within the city limits.
The RA began his archiloguy with congratulations to our good friend Adam Scott for his win in Augusta, then asked Iceman to recount a particularly boring and pointless tale which in turn lead to a DD for Iceman due to his inappropriate mime skills on the journey down.
Swollen expressed his amarulence at Sir Rabbit for his disregards of found property, Jigsaw was charged with “putting every c*nt off their food”, courtesy of his yellow singlet and KB for mixing his ladies.
Iceman was asked to read a joke and struggled on some of the longer words but the general consensus was he could do that every week rather than bring his own.
Missing Link really will do anything for money, this week he is stripping for Sir Prince.
POW Now Loved in a “Bucanero” Cuban beer T-shirt suffered a little stage fright, selected all those on the Cuba trip who drank girls beers, then Hard On for catching a bus, KB for no eggs and finally Josephine for being rude to the walkers. Yes it was a very slow news week.
Josephine accepted the trophy with a rant directed at the walkers and adopted a sevidical tone towards Sir Slab, who looks to be preparing himself for the yard glass next week.
Sir Prince thanked Now Loved for his use of explicit medical terms in front of Hash ladies.
Don’t forget
Bike Ride 25th April
Nash Hash see the web
Nominations for the Hierarchy
Next week’s run – Iceman or was it Caustic at somewhere possibly Reedy Creek. It all seemed so vague.
End of circle by Josephine who enquired “I don’t have to have another drink do I?”
Thanks to Ferret for making the effort and especially for not having it in Miami.
On On
Rectum
Hang on a Sec and artigrapher
Don’t believe a word of it.

P.S. Rug asked for a few new words. Enjoy

Run 1849
Date : 8th April 2013
Hare : Sir Rabbit, Sir Slab, Sir Prince and Sir AH
Venue : Sir Rabbit’s Bar and Grill, Chirn Park
Runners 29, that is not a typo

Weeks to the first State of Origin game – 8

Initially intended as a Rock Hard organized event, as no one could locate his whereabouts, the Sirs took over with little notice. Well, when I say the Sirs took over, I mean Sir Rabbit picked up the mantle and attempted to spread the workload, Sir Prince Valiant invented a last minute excuse to get on a plane, Sir AH had only a trifling involvement which meant that Sir Slab discovered that it is impossible to delegate when you are a team of one.

Unaware of this hashing game of Old Maid, a veritable multitude of eager hashers swarmed the venue on what, in the main, were great conditions to run in. Several returned to the fold after absences, noticeably Shat who appears to come back home weeks after everyone else has finished the group trips. Alzheimer’s a bitch.

Sir Slab sent us on our way on a trail which was remarkably similar to the run of Josephine’s a few weeks ago and who’s route I shall not bore you with. Mainly because I cant remember it and secondly as I got lost by Smith Street and ended up mistakenly following Veteran home on what appeared to be the walkers out trail? Despite my failings, several others (with torches) found the trail and were pleased with the overall duration and layout of the event.

As we awaited the nosh I was informed that Sir Prince had reneged on his agreement to purchase cheap sh#t mince from the pet food supplier (sorry that should read ‘Super butcher’) causing Sir Rabbit to over spend (heads will roll). Nor did he manage to prepare the vegetables. That’s what happens when you have already cooked about fifteen times so far this year.

The clock ticked over eight pm and all was not well, stomachs were audibly grumbling and the only aperitif seemed to be the hordes of flying insects committing ritual suicide onto the search light. That’s right, the starters were a nonstarter.

The main course was a self served Chilli con Carne containing ‘Bongo’ chillies (was that another reference to the drum theme which kept showing its head?) it couldn’t be a reference to some earth shattering heat factor as everyone demolished their portions and seconds were not available. That might have been the case if the meal had been padded out with carbs – rice, potatoes or bread but the recipe came from the Atkins Diet, so meat only, not even any greens (from the man who whinges whenever greens are not served).

My only complaint was the failure to serve the meal with a ‘possibility of follow through’ warning, as during the course of Tuesday morning I was tooting like a train, possibly a little too enthusiastically, when I had a near Shart experience. (that’s a half sh*t, half fart for those with sheltered upbringings).

Too monstrous sized bowls contained Sir AH’s self-made trifles, which had innovatingly used lamingtons for the sponge layer. The sun appears to be shining on our recent trifle offerings, quite a change from that dark day at Helensvale.

Circle called by the GM and Rock Hard lambasted for being soft and conveniently overseas whenever its his turn to host.

DD’s to Sir Rabbit, Sir Slab, Sir Prince and Sir AH for their team effort in tonight’s festivities, also to Show Pony but not sure why.

Miscarriage who was recently anointed as the king of superlatives, commented on the run – Very good, excellent, magnificent, great. I think he may have liked it 9/10
Pile Driver (good to see you back) proclaimed the walk as ‘good’ citing the fact he did not get lost. (easily pleased)
Flasher and Botcho tag-teamed the food with – very nice but no bread or salad and nice trifle, did enjoy it

DD and Hashy birthday to the coffin dodgers; Missing Link, Show Pony and Sir Prince who have all reached 70 years, congratulations. It’s all down hill from here.

Returners –

Hard On – far north Queensland
Now Loved – sick for a week, over achieving skier
VD – Tassy, Phuket
Shat – Head cold (though Phantom suggested it was a bad case of syphilis)
Missing Link – Philippines doing a recky for a new wife

Link brought the GM a traditional souvenir from the Philippines, a young boy whilst Shat offered some high roller gambling chits from Las Vegas. Don’t spend it all at once. Overcome by the generosity, the GM discarded rule one before launching into a French kiss with Shat. How much sherry was in that trifle?

Our RA entered the circle with the obligatory props and encouraged a drum roll from the energizer bunny. DD to Sir Prince for the mowing saga of three weeks ago (what ever happened to double jeopardy) and to Show Pony for a newspaper article. DD to miscarriage for something about Sir Prince (isn’t it always) and Two Dogs enlightened us on the anticipated aboriginal land grab by Sir Slab.
Not being one to drink alone, Sir Slab brought out Now Loved for attending a bike ride a month early. Phantom, who was unsure of his own name, was asked for a note.

Charges –
Miscarriage pulled out the filthy rich, those who have earned way too much and are being rightly taxed for it – BB, Slab, Princy and Blackie. DD’s to calls of “shoot the b&st&rds)

DD to Flasher for dropping his muslim patronage and becoming a Communist Sympathiser. You didn’t deserve that.

DD to Rectum, very unfairly, for following the Mudgeraba run web page directions to the letter but not finding the venue (which was somewhere else) and to those responsible – AH/Botcho/Blackie

POW Cum Smoke had several in his sights –

Hard On for never saying anything, Flasher and something about Caustic (not present tonight apparently gone fishing for the brown trout with his boyfriend) also Josephine for bagging the newly installed air horns on Cum Smoke’s Benz (they sound great but attract small children expecting to buy ice cream).
Finally the recipient was Now Loved, after he showed gratitude for a lift home by pulling off Cum Smoke. That should read Cum Smoke’s door handle.

From Shat there is a Goose Chase on the 20th of this month for anyone desperate for a harrierette.

From the news – a 74-year-old hasher is likely to get 20 years for under age sex, so enjoy the next 48 months Link. I can tell you the crumbed steak every Saturday night is horrible.

Nominations required for the upcoming Hierarchy change over.

Don’t forget the Bike ride re-scheduled for Anzac Day, which may be cancelled, without warning, in a Nano second.

The Nash Hash is coming so look out for a variety of events.

Next Weeks Run – Ferret so probably Miami then.

Rediscovering his funny bone, Iceman, a devout atheist, entertained all with a blonde/St Peter joke.

End of Circle duet with the dulcet tones of both Moonbeams and Josephine.

Thanks in varying degrees to the Sir’s for coming up with a winner at short notice, to the bats for f@cking off for once, to Croc for his excellent temporary coverage and to the ever-increasing percentage of hashers making the effort to run.

On On

Rectum
Hang On a Sec
Don’t believe a word of it.

Run : 1848

Date : 2^nd April 2013

Hare : Cumsmoke

Venue : Northern End, Pratten Park, Broadbeach

Runners: 21

Weeks till Cumsmoke sets a decent run – ?

Surely we can’t have disaster two weeks in a row? Don’t bet on it.

Cumsmoke, Run and Nosh are three words which never appear together in the same sentence surely. It’s as foreign as Olives in a Salad, but with these brave words, Easter Monday was looking far from being another miraculous Resurrection.

Run 1848 was vaguely advertised as starting from the northern end, Kurrawa Park, Broadbeach on Cumsmoke’s specific instructions to our esteemed webmaster. An early Monday morning phone call from Hare to Trail Master, advising he would not get back from Melbourne in time to set his run, fell on deaf fluffy Easter Bunny ears, as Sir Rabbit is a very wise and knowledgeable Leporid and knew immediately to fob this off as a nasty (sorry Simon) April Fool’s joke.

The knowledgeable pack, ignoring Cumsmoke’s lack of research as to his starting point, gradually started to assemble at the northern end of Pratten Park, Broadbeach and enjoyed the passing parade of eye-candy to boot, as they waited with baited breath for the Hare to arrive and reveal all.

Disaster again looked on the horizon, as the Hare headed into the park from a northerly direction, clutching his trail marking materials. Like the Stove Pipe atop the Vatican it spewed white smoke worth and like the newly elected Pope Francis, Cumsmoke waved sheets of paper in front of the faithful and duly pronounced “I have been given these blessed run instructions” and making the sign of the Cross by pointing North then South then East then West” shouted “it’s that way and if you go past the Booze Bus you’re not on trail!”

With paper in hand, the pack set forth, reading Cumsmoke’s Epistle to the Runners

South to the Hedges

Left before right, cross the crossing, go round a roundabout

2+5=traffic lights before Burleigh Heads

Etc etc etc

Miscarriage and Caustic ended up at Miami Headland returning via Mrs Ferret’s, as they tried to find Margaret which was mentioned in the Epistle.

Flasher ended up on Bundall Road looking for a roundabout. Bent Banana and Black Stump never saw each other on the “trail”. Ferret decided not to follow “trail” and ate the paper on the assumption it would be better Nosh than the Hare’s presentation.

The walkers walked their walk and the bulk of the pack was back inside 35 minutes, each one coming in from a different direction. Circumference summed the run up in the Circle, stating it was the first Hash run he had ever done in 28 years of Hashing, where there were NO ARROWS OR TRAIL MARKINGS.

But wait, it get’s better !! The Hare actually appeared with a large Esky, which actually contained FOOD and actually started to prepare an entrée of Bruschetta. Well not quite. Kitchen Bitch cooked up some toast rounds, spooned the pre-prepared contents onto the crispy croutons and served it to the masses, while the hid Hare hid behind the BBQ and had a fag. Much to KB’s discomfort, in the middle of his cooking duties, Blackstump called him out as last to pay. Not having any cash on board as the chicken run had not sold any eggs this week, KB was forced to pay his dues in kind and handed over three dozen of his finest to settle the debt.

Thus followed BBQ’d Dog Turds and Chicken Entrails on skewers, accompanied by creamy white stuff A and creamy white stuff B, both served from plastic containers. As with these words, any resemblance to actual truth or in this case food, was purely coincidental and results of the Forensic Laboratory tests, ordered by the GM, will be published next week.

Not that it was all bad. Dessert materialised in the form of baby Lamingtons, drowning in 20 litres of off-the-shelf custard. As Nosh goes, it didn’t.

Circle was called by the newly returned Grand Master, who gave us a 15 minute run-down on his travels across the ditch and the virtues of Kiwis and their country, honouring both Sir Slab and Botcho for being good Kiwis and coming to Australia and bringing all their indigenous friends with them to boost the populations of Logan and Beenleigh.

The Hare was brought forward and Sir Prince asked to comment on the paper markings and results. Finding difficulty with reading while running and not knowing North from South nor East from West, Sir Prince described in no uncertain terms how he ended up at the Surfers Paradise Transit Centre, totally alone and confused. He was thankful for the written instructions though, as the centre’s toilets were out of paper when nature called. Ice man described it as a Wayne Swan run, the run you have when you’re not having a run. Sir Prince awarded 4.5 / 10.

Nosh was described as soggy, burnt bread, turds on sticks with no olives. No olives meant no salad therefore no lettuce leaves, which severely upset Sir Rabbit who suggested no funds be forthcoming for the Hare.

The GM then named the 7 persons who have been nominated by proxy, for the new 2013/14 Hierarchy. Calling Iceman forward to review his suitability for Hash Cash, he asked a simple mathematics question being “If Cumsmoke gave you $100 and said he hasn’t paid for three weeks and you owed him $40 for Nosh, how much change would you give him?” Quick as a flash Iceman responded “$95”. Incorrect replied the GM, the correct answer is “Nothing, I’ll keep the change for next week”.

Returning runners Bent Banana, Ferret and Kwakka were given Down Downs and the Circle handed to the RA. He commenced with a round robin of the Circle asking what everyone did over Easter. Some interesting activities, but none better than Flasher who said he didn’t do anything at all, “very boring” was his comment. “No wonder” yelled Caustic, “that’s because it’s a Christian Celebration and you’re a bloody Muslim!”

POW Miscarriage was next at centre. He proceeded to read a letter from a very frustrated Hash wife, in which she complained that she and her husband never seemed to “finish” at the same time, that said husband always took much longer to “get there” and that she was much more adventurous and got into “top gear” much quicker than hubby ever could. She respectfully requested his Hash mates to let him know this and do something about it. Miscarriage strongly advised Sir Prince to get rid of the old one-speed bike he bought in 1972 for $50 and upgrade to one that could keep up with the Princess.

A speedy resolve to the POW ensued, with only one nominee guilty of not providing sufficient directional instructions for the run, skulling the custard from the bottle while serving his hash mates the same contents for dessert, pulling a piss poor April Fool’s Joke on Sir Rabbit and last but not least denigrating Miscarriage’s beloved Carlton’s 5 point win over, you guessed it, Cumsmoke’s Richmond. Well at least the Hare got some recognition for his run.

Iceman was given an RDO from Joke Juty and RA handed back to the GM. Presents to the GM from returning runners Testicles via Flasher – a wooden Papaya carving thingy from Cuba explaining that Papaya in Cuban means “Vagina”. In keeping with that theme, Ferret present Bent Banana with a half smoked Cuban cigar, but couldn’t remember where the other half was left.

Next Week’s run is a fill-in for Rock Hard and will be hosted by the Sirs at the Rabbit Warren.

Blackie reminded us all of the re-resurrected ANZAC Day Bike-a-thon at Pizzey Park on 25^th April.

Sir Slab is managing some of the Aussie Nash Hash Gold Coast runs and in particular the Pre-Lube on 1^st May, also at Pizzey Park. He requests you advise him if you will be attending the Pre-Lube – cost $30 including a run, a grand circle by Sir Prince, on the same hallowed grounds where the GCHHH held the inaugural Aussie Nash Hash in 1985, a grand giveaway and dinner at the Rugby Club

Unfortunately our CCCCCCC was not in attendance due to the return of his bed warmer, acting CCCCCCC Josephine also MIA, so GM called EOC.

Thanks to KB yet again, for risking his own life to prepare those things on sticks and using his beer to put out the burning toastie thingos, only to realise that the smoke was coming from the Hare’s smouldering fag.

On On

Acting On Sex – Crocodile

PS All this is a true reflection of the evening’s events except for those words between “Run” and “Fag”

PSS It is totally false that Rectum has disappeared up his own name and will never be seen again

PSSS Don’t forget to bring your AGPU award / trophy / silverware / trash back for Blackie so he can melt them down and make new ones

PSSSS Don’t worry Flasher, you aren’t odds on to win the Serial Pest Award this year, its 1.1/1