Run 1873
Date:23/09/2013
Location: Miami
Hare: Slug
Runners:22

Run 1873                                                                                                                                                 Words of Wisdom  …  by SHAT

Not a big turn-out for this run in familiar territory at Nobby’s, only 20 runners.  Yet, by objective observation, this group of brave runners surely represent the Hash elite, save RECTUM, conspicuous by his absence.  But there was FLASHER, tall not but so strong and willing.  And MISSING LINK & BOTCHO, so athletic and primed like coiled springs.   ROCK HARD, very focused and looking super fit.  The three sirs present, SIRs SLAB, RABBIT & AH together looking like Olympic icons.  What about SIR PRINCE VALLIANT, you ask.  Well, he was not present at the start of the run – instead he joined the pack in a gentlemanly like fashion strolling down from his lounge room as the runners passed his residence, leaving his good wife The Princess to drop off his bag at the run venue.  Good work SPV.

The limits of time prevent one from going through the merits all present, yet special mention must be made of KITCHEN BITCH, SIR AH & SHOWPONY who, despite being battered and wrecked by the cruelness of time, actually ran a couple of steps as the pack set out.  Very impressive.  Keep it up guys.

THE RUN

SLUG the Hare set a tricky but clearly marked run; well sort of.  On more than one occasion I did see the pack wandering around lost in side streets, like dazed sheep.  The home trail passed the Miami Hotel then up and over the hill, down the stairs into our Nobby’s park venue.   Unfortunately, not one runner managed to find this section of the trail and on one ran in from this direction.

By the finish of the run the pack were well and truly strung out.  Just over the hour, TWO DOGS was first home and not happy: “9.2k”, he exclaimed, “There should be a rule about this”!  CAUSTIC too seemed a tad disgruntled: “No chalk. Too firkin long”.

Nonetheless, CAUSTIC rated the run 9 out of 10 … “less 1 point for every firkin busy road crossing” giving a net result of 3.  Not bad SLUG.  Accept the 9.

THE NOSH

Chilli Con Carne!!  Beautifully prepared by SLUG’s squeeze PUSSY GALORE.  But, hey, no dessert!  ( Sorry Slug, I believe we had a desert!!!  I missed out. I was into my second bottle of red when the Strawberries and Ice Cream appeared, had a memory lapse)  MISSING LINK gave the nosh a rating of 8; BENT BANANA awarded 7.5.  An average of 7.75.  Well done SLUG.

THE CIRCLE

Four returning runners:  PIZZA, PILE DRIVER, PHANTOM & TWO DOGS.  Where have they been?  Well, PIZZA & PILE DRIVER claim they have been busy working (yeah, right).  PHANTOM has been very busy doing Phantom stuff.   TWO DOGS meanwhile has been swanning around the Whitsundays where he met up with HARD ON & AUSSIE for a secret men’s business meeting around a bottle of red, or four.  TWO DOGS presented the GM with some used golf tees he found on the Hamilton Island golf course … lovely thought TWO DOGS.

RA MISCARRIAGE gave MISSING LINK a disciplinary down-down for secret training and for distributing peptides; LINK pleaded guilty.  SIR PRINCE VALLIANT also suffered the RA’s ire for dobbing-in the RA to help out at MOONBEAM’s market stall.; JOSEPHINE stood-in for MOONBEAMS’ down-down.  SHOWPONY too was reprimanded for giving the RA a hand massage … boys please, remember Rule 1.

PRICK OF THE WEEK:   FLASHER  received the PoW award last week at the Highland Park Taven where the run was washed out.  Flowing from that traumatic experience, FLASHER nominated three miscreants for this weeks award: BOTCHO and BENT BANANA who (according to FLASHER) refused to help him re-set the run; and CAUSTIC who called him a “firkin lazy karnt” for seeking help to reset the run.

The winner:  CAUSTIC

Footnote:  CAUSTIC indeed is a worthy Prick.  He was asked by BLUE CARD to be the stand-in scribe for this weeks run, but quickly withdrew when he saw me with a pen in my hand.   Shame CAUSTIC.

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News Flash

Quote from Sir Black Stump after finishing World Age GroupTriathlon. “I would have had better results if the Gold Coast Hash had provided more cash.”

His fellow Hashers at the Gold Coast Hash should be proud of this over achiever. He finished 12th in the Aquathon and 13th out of 40 in the Triathlon.

The English climate didn’t help, wet and cold, temperature was 12 degress and the water temp 16 degress.  Certainly not Queensland temperatures, where Sir Blackie as he is known does all his training.

He also stated that

“I’ll be training in Tibet next year so I’ll apply for the Hash Cash Job again next year.”

Run 1872
Date:16/09/2013
Location: Highland  Park
Hare: Flasher
Runners: 20

..unn1872 Report from our guest On Sec..Swindler

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Run 1871
Date:9/09/2013
Location: Parkwood
Hare: Carefree and a few Helpers
Runners: 26

THE HASH POST ERECTION RUN

Well how things have changed with a Liberal government. Things are certainly looking up if the Nosh tonight was any indication. Talk about the Gourmet Hash – 2 huge salmon cooked whole in wet paper but more about that later.

We all set off on the run with some deep concerns as the assistant Booze Master Truck Tyres was no where to be seen. SWINDLER after only 1 week on the job had absented himself after pulling a Campbell Newman the week before putting booze prices up 50%

Who should we spot half way through the run driving through the new Gold Coast Hospital looking left and right for a Hash group than TRUCK TYRES! To bad the directions clearly indicated the Griffith University.

THE CIRCLE

CROC was first to be outed by the RA for conduct likely to bring the Hash into disrepute. In a voice loud enough to be heard at the new hospital he had called out ” alright you …… (Women’s Genitals) listen up!

BENT BANANA when asked about the run said it was a good venue.

TWO DOGS reported that while the directions started as well marked they soon went downhill on the flat section and he found the runners were going in circles and lapping the walkers.

The HARE CAREFREE had a team of chefs working under his role as chief chef and they all got a DD – Sir AH, KWAKKA, KITCHEN BITCH, and SIR SLAB.

LURCH said it was the best meal he had EVER had and gave the Nosh a 9.3 while MOONBEAMS equally impressed gave it a 9.35.

The RA was struggling with a lost voice due to a suspected deep throat infection.

MISSING LINK was really missing as he was confined to hospital with a blocked bowel.

“Give him caster oil”

“I knew he was full of shit”

“Does that mean he can’t mow my lawn tomorrow”. Sir Prince.

“I will take his jobs.” Jigsaw

“Should we take up a collection for a funeral plan”. Croc.

THE ELECTION

The RA was impressed by our preference system for the Senate and the fact that a group of lunatics had been elected including the Motoring Party in Victoria with 1.8% of the vote.  The hash petrol head was called out as a supporter- Josephine. 2 Dogs got a similar treatment as a supporter of the Hunting Party who look like winning a seat with 500 votes.

SIR CUMFERENCE was given a DD for being a stand in double for Clive Palmer.

LURCH got a mention in dispatches for volunteering to clean up the rubbish and trying to impress and get on next years hierarchy.

POW.

Last week awarded to Sir S.

FLASHER AND MADAM LASH for insisting on the honeymoon suite at the Boonah Hotel, or TRUCK TYRES for annoying Sir Slab and screwing up his bookings in Yangon Hotel but no the award went to JIGSAW for putting his foot in the booze bucket.

NEXT WEEKS RUN

Will be a pub run from the Highland Park Tavern.

JOKE OF THE WEEK

Contributed by Caustic

 

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’   He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on…. take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds

withOneStone!!!
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Run 1870
Date:2/09/2013
Location: Mudgeeraba
Hare: Sir AH
Runners: 31

BOOZE MASTER

The first shock of the evening was the meteoric  rise in drink prices of up to 50% in 1 week introduced by Swindler standing in for Show Pony.

All drinks now $3 he announced to those who wanted to hear. He mumbled something about the state of the books being far worse than he imagined and in true Tony Abbott style would have to increase prices and cut expenditure in an attempt to bring a surplus to the account by fiscal 2015! Next week cold drinks on ice will be an additional charge in a display of “user pays”. You can always have warm beer at a reduced price he suggested.

Bring back Show Pony.

THE CIRCLE

The GM Now Loved made a rare guest appearance resplendent in a formal Tibeten Princess head dress.

The Hare Sir AH was called out front and centre. Big Unit still new to Hash and wanting to suck up said it was a good run to an immediate cry of ‘bullshit”

Rectum said it was a good length but many runners took more than an hour with the resultant suggestion to “ice the bastards”.

“I didn’t need the tour of Skilled Park”

Caustic Crusader commented the Tour de Mudgeeraba was a little excessive.

Flasher in his own style was overheard on the run muttering  this is long and boring. I would rather be out fishing with Rex Hunt and the Wednesday Wobblers.

Rug decided the Nosh was pretty good, Bolognese with Rice, Pasta and high quality bread. However the most impressive thing for Rug was the inclusion of minute traces of Olives – just enough to keep Cumsmoke away. Almost a 9 so 8.8.

Shat wanted the recipe that would make the pasta all stick together like he had tonight.

Swindler was given a DD for falling in love with a Maori Fisherwoman on the fishing trip. So sweet it was interracial love on the high seas.

Rug is off on a secret mission to Syria working for the old firm so keep an eye out for Rug with a towel on his head at the back of the crowd on CNN and Al Jazeera.

Rock Hard just back from 7 weeks holding up his end in Europe returned without a gift for the GM – so thoughtless and received a well deserved DD.

Seedy soon to return to his farm growing ‘secret undisclosed crops’ in Bathurst was given a DD When it was pointed out he was a Pr…k Relation of Swindlers he quickly clarified matters that Swindler was the Pr..k and he was the relation.

A NAMING

It is an auspicious occasion when a new Hasher is officially baptised by being given a Hash Name. Tonight it was the official naming of the Big Unit. Now Tom Waterhouse had been offering odds on that Big Unit would officially be named Big Unit because he is a Big Unit. Well in a stroke of naming genius the GM made the previously known  Big Unit kneel before him. He went down on his knees as the Big Unit and arose as LURCH. What a sweet and appropriate name. Big Unit is no more henceforth its LURCH.

THE RELIGEOUS ADVISOR

Miscarriage announced there was a new position created  to deal with a situation with the reengineered water tank on the Hash Trailer. At great expense, effort, ingenuity and insurance claim funds Sir Black Stump has moved the water tank from the top of the trailer to the bottom to thawt the demons of gravity from seizing the trailer once again and laying it on its side. This has caused a little issue in that the pump is now above the water tank and needs a good suck to prime the pump and get things flowing. This is a highly responsible position awarded to a hasher who knows how to suck – Hard On. Keep on sucking Hard On/Hash Suck.

Sir Prince Valiant when invited to the football on Sunday by the RA declined because he had some “polishing” to do. What the…?

By special request all Hashers were asked after the Nosh to return the cut crystal goblets used to serve the dessert so they could be used again by the Gold Coast Gourmet Hash.  Sir Slab not yet on board with the idea of recycling was spotted by the RA dumping said crystal goblet in the bin.

Two Sirs drinks ALL Sirs drink!

POW

Slug was called out in “uniform” to hand on the POW. He waffled for awhile perhaps his mind casting back to the same time last week when he was given the POW for certain unspeakable acts in foreign lands.

After almost giving it to Sir Prince for staying home to do some “polishing” he awarded it to Sir Slab for throwing out the Hash Crystal!

NEXT WEEKS RUN

Care Free – details on the website.

BLUE CARDS JOKE OF THE WEEK
I love being politically correct!

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was
wearing a turban eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
to deflect it.

Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined $250 for doing
that, you stupid Catholic bitch.”

She laughed and said, “When I cry ‘rape’ and they smell your fingers,
you’ll get 10 years, you towel-headed Camel-f*cker.”

On On
Blue card

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