Run: 1919

Date:11/08/2014

Location: Nerang

Hare: Rectum

Runners: 36

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‘ARSEHOLE’ to his mates

Was down at my local last week wetting the whistle with the favourite brew…. Got talking to a bunch of likely lads from Doncaster in Yorkshire England. Over the course of a few ales most subjects got an airing until the topic turned to hashing. Percy let the cat out: -“Me mate Arsehole, he does fookin’ hashing like, y’ know. He fookin’ luvs it, reckons it’s the best fookin’ crack, runnin’ around the place and shit. His name’s fookin’ Steve Bottomley so we call him fookin’ Arsehole” he added cracking himself up.

-“I bloody know him” I told my new chum, “but on our Hash we call him Rectum.”

-“Well I fookin’ never………..who’da thought like……….the world’s a fookin’ small place I’ll tell yuh.” He went on: -“Arsehole’s a great lad, luvs avin’ a laugh like but fookin’ real intelligent like, y’ know. With a bit of luck he coulda been a fookin’ doctor y’ know.”

-“Really” I said intrigued, “That’s one facet of his personna we’ve not experienced on the Hash. What happened with the medical studies?”

-“He fooked up like, his final entrance exam. He still kicks himself over it like, y’ know. He failed this last question:

‘Rearrange the letters P-N-S-I-E in order to make the body part which functions best when it’s erect.’

“All the fookin’ students who answered ‘spine’ got though and were enrolled on the spot but Arsehole and a coupla others were rounded up and shipped off to fookin’ Australia like, y’ know.

It’s fair to say that England’s loss was the Gourmet Hash’s great gain. Rectum is a terrific bloke and an absolute ornament to the Hash cause. So much so in fact that tonight’s Hash had been anticipated for months.

The run was laid in the new suburbs west of Highland Park. The pack set off at a thundering rate of knots on the twisting and turning bitumen until the first check, 3kms in. Rectum would later reveal that his cunning ‘2 check’ strategy was all about “keeping the run as short as possible.” There was another 3.5 kms of similar terrain until the pack finally hit bush……..and a bloody big mountain to boot. Up and along a fire trail for a couple of kms until we came to the steepest part of the climb, in the most impenetrable bush. Thankfully, the ever considerate Hare had the great foresight to lay the trail in parallel with a rusty, barbed wire fence which was most handy in hauling the buggered pack towards the top. The decent was just as treacherous as hashers slipped and slided down the slope, gashing limbs along the way. With immense relief the torture test was over and there remained a gentle 8.7 kms doddle back to the eski.

The normally well mannered Sir Black Stump didn’t hold back when requested to crit the run. Still panting, and sporting numourous gashes on his arms, he laid in: “This is the f#$king most stupid fucking run I f*&king ever run. What a f#@king f@$k-up!”

Two Dogs was more restrained: “My Hawaii Triathlon days are well past me, but another couple of runs like this and I might reconsider me options.”

Ferret was asked to comment on the Walk but he couldn’t remember much of it due to the fact that he’d been deep in dialogue with Sir Rabbit. For his part, Sir Rabbit said he couldn’t remember much of it either as he’d been concentrating on all the crap Ferret was telling him.

Onto the Nosh. Being a dedicated disciple of GM Kitchen Bitch’s ‘Gourmet’ agenda, and with Palestine the flavour of the moment, Rectum served up a feed of a distinctive Arab nature. On the menu were Deep Fried Budgerigars and yoghurt for Entree, sloppy Chicken stew with rice for Mains while Dessert consisted of a dry Cloves and Dates cake without any dates in it.

Cumsmoke called a very ordinary feed and he made the valid point that half the Chicken mush remained which was indicative of its quality and taste.
Two Dogs was more generous: “This reminded me of the food we use to eat at the Numimbah Resort” where the two first met and Rectum was doing his apprenticeship.
Lurch admitted that he’d tucked into a 6 pack of 4&20 pies in the afternoon and he was “bloody glad I did.”

The Grand Master had barely begun his final summation that the sound of strides hitting the floor was heard and Rectum duly plonked his namesake on the ice.

GM KB then called his favourite hashman for his Weekly down. Having just pointed the ‘mongrel’ at a nearby bush, Weekly returned to the Circle with a large map of Africa on the bottom of his oversized t-shirt. For gloating about his massive long dick, Weekly was given a Down.
Flasher was given a Down for the heinous crime of “fucking his old dear on a monday night.” However, upon bleating something about his daughter, a shocked GM promptly iced him.
New ‘Boot’ Mat, a young lad out of the Nasty stable, was invited for his first Down. Welcome Mat! (It’s got a ring to it hasn’t it?)

Normally, at this juncture in the proceedings, the baton is usually tossed to the eager RA for his dishing out of Hash penance. However, on this occasion, he would be ignored and left to impersonate a wallflower while the GM took it upon hisself to complete the Circle work.
(Observers close to the Heirarchy Court have revealed that a rift has developed between the GM and the RA over the RA’s below par performance the previous week when he iced Acting On Sec BallPoint for “inacurate reporting.” The GM was overheard reading the Riot Act: “When I want ‘acurate reporting’ I read the f#$king Courrier Mail; I don’t look for it in the Hash Trash. Why the f&%k do you think it’s called the Trash, you bloody imbecile?”) or words to that effect.

Jigsaw entered the Circle looking to hand over the Useless sweater to another deserving conveyance. His gaze fell upon the man with the ‘pick-me-when-you-can’t-be-arsed-thinking-of-anyone-else’ sign on his forehead: Flasher.

Ferret was then called in to part with the Prick-of-the-Week. He looked like a man on a mission.

-“You would know fellas that I love a conspiracy theory as much as any other fertile mind. UFOs, the Holocaust, 9/11, Climate Change, the death of Princess Diana……..you name it and I fucking support it. But this crap about fucking Hamas terror tunnels into fucking Israel is the biggest bunch of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. So Flasher, for starting this ridiculous rumour, you’re the Prick of the Week.”

The final act of the night was a baptism. The Grand Master was at his best and called Jimmy front and on one knee. It so happens that Jimmy has a particular noctural fetish which involves ropes, leather and heavy chains. Thankfully, his bird is of a feather and together they are known to make the most wonderful whoopee with, apparently, chandelier hi-jinxs their absolute favourite. GM was left with little choice but to name the tie-me-down fiend……. Bondage.

Just as Josephine was lubricating the tonsils, Rectum announced, to a cacophony of raucous “you fucking beauty”, that he would soon be returning to the Old Dart.
-“The UK Education Department have been in touch and I’ve been accepted to the Doncaster School of Medicine.” He went on:”Most of you would be aware that I have a passion for gynecology……..it’s me first luv like, y’know. I just want to thank the Prime Minister David Cameron for this great fookin’ opportunity. And you know how much I luv fookin opportunities like.” And with great gusto the Hash sent him on way with ‘F&$k off you ?? f#@k off!”

Josephine closed the Circle soon after.

On2,
BP (Acting On Sec)

Run: 1918

Date:4/08/2014

Location: Mermaid Beach

Hare: Lurch

Runners: 29

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• Shat & Warrior Team all back safely from InterHash Junket in Brussels

• Showpony on vacation in Sydney

• Iceman reported to have sore chest and unable to attend Hash

• Moonbeans relaxing at home on Gold Coast

• Bent Bananaon luxury cruise in Indonesia

• Flasher unable to attend Hash due to Wedding Anniversary

• Sir Slab off to Thredbo to lay more Hash trails

Note: Please read words and view carefully as again next week a question will be asked by the GM in the circle about these words. At this stage the track record for comprehension of our hashers is abysmal but this week the clue is very easy to determine. Check out the clue to see who is the most observant GCGHHH.

 Evolution History of Hash Disorganization

 The First Hash House

The ‘Hash House’ was the mildly derogative nickname given for its unimaginative, monotonous food to the Selangor Club Chambers, by the British Civil Servants and businessman who lived and dined there. Originally, the ground floor housed the main Selangor Club dining room, and between the two World Wars it became a social center of the times, used regularly for lunch time meals by the members who worked in the immediate vicinity.

Situated close to and behind the present Selangor Club, it’s function changed after independence and it became a key office for the local Water Board, as it was the place where all Kuala Lumpur residents came to pay their water bills. Sadly, it gave way to the relentless march of time around 1964, being bulldozed to the ground under the north-bound lane Jalan Kuching. The buildings housing the original stables and servants quarters are still in existence.

Run 1918 with Virgin Lurch

Promoted as the first Virgin Run and a Virgin Nosh.

Will Lurch be able to break the mould this week and prove that there is a new generation of GCHHH who can achieve the impossible.

A group of 29 dedicated athletes circled under the stars around the glowing beachfront fire in the luxury surroundings of Hedges Avenue.

A 10 million dollar $$$$ POSITION –POSITION- POSITION is a fitting place for the Gourment Hash to meet and enjoy fine food.

 

Thanks Lurch for providing such a great venue and another fire for the Hash night.

The pre-run briefing from Lurch as suspected was a lot of waffle for a Virgin and again there were as usual those mumbled words …“walk to the top of the driveway and find the trail marked with arrows”. He advised all that there were no marking in the schoolyard as he was too scared of the Yummy Mummies when he set the run so he left no arrow trail..can you believe this crap!!

 

After last few weeks of the so called Best Run of the Year , Best Trailer Run , Best Location Run, Best Bush Trailer Run followed by the so called Best Nosh of the Year ,Best Trailer Nosh of the Year this was looking a hard act to follow by Virgin Lurch.

The Run Warm Up by our RA Caustic, Rectum and Botcho

Some of our runners actually do stretching before the run even in the cold night air. They must think that we don’t notice this elaborate ruse to make us believe they run fast. Names have been provided to give embarrassment!!

The Run

The GM called the usual rabble to order and sent the group on their way at 6.20 pm with his signature words “ good luck finding the trail’ . Again he stayed near the warm fire on the pretense his experience as a firefighter was needed in case the fire got out of control and burnt down the luxury homes on Hedges Avenue.In the event of a major disaster Cumsmoke ( yes he has made an appearance again) decided to stay behind as well to keep him company and assist with legal advice. Mainly Cumsmoke’s job to keep up an ongoing supply of red wine for our GM while pretending to cook the Nosh on the BBQ.

Lurch told all that he spent considerable effort in setting this well-marked Virgin Trail….is this possible on Hedges avenue?? He noted to watch out for female joggers…this was the first good sign that this may be an interesting run.

The runners and walkers moved up the dark laneway into the full light of Hedges Avenue with torches blazing. The only relevant clue was the final information that Lurch would be the Sweep in case anyone got lost!!!..is this guy for real..lost on Hedges Avenue !!!

Rectum fresh from a day atwork relaxing at the home of RockHard took off as usuallike a startled bullantwith Botcho and Josephine hot on his heels.

Lurch’s run was looking in trouble as the runners tried to leave the bitumen road in search of the bush & rough with 2 Dogs, Truck Tyres, Fanny Charmer and Rockhard in full flight on the run. Lurch as promised was waiting at the checks to make sure each person went the right way ..well done Lurch for your assistance.

On On was then called several times on the run as the group all moved across the bitumen roads and then via the shops and roadways to Pissey Park .They were saved by Lurch with his assistance to get them going the right way. The schoolyard part of the run was a bit of a worry as only one member has a Blue Card and he is a walker. Rectum asked his running companion Josephine how do we find the carpark as they raced across the schoolyard without Blue Card??

Most of the few runners this week did do the most of full run and it was by all accounts an excellent city run.

Josephine excelled as he was back for the first run for some time and was able to keep up the pace with Rectum..well done Josephine.

The first runners back via the correct trail was Rectum with Josephine .Botcho with 2 Dogs and TT in 49 minutes.Run distance 6.95 km. Well done hashers. Rockhard somehow managed to get back first but it seems he had a battery failure and was forced to follow the main road and returned via Hegdes Avenue but was on trail all the way ?? work that out!!! ..well done Rockhard.

Run Critic Rectum “ Best Virgin Run of the year so far”. Virgin Hare Lurch put in a lot of effort for this run but again failed to provide a drink stop.Yes..These words say it all …direct from a very experienced hasher!!.These comments by Rectum were wholly endorsed by Josephine and Truck Tyres.

Two Dogs also got in on the act and commented “Amazing how he found new territory after all the runs from this location .”

Great effort Virgin Hare Lurchfor an excellent first run.

The Walkers

As always a big group of walkers lined up at the starting gate.The walking group is getting bigger and slower .As usual most of these geriatics in the past weeks have just come to get away from their family committements on Monday night.

Most make little effort to move away from the Nosh and Booze area except to move their Walkers. Full of Shit now even comes on his electic walker in hope of increasing sales for his products and supporting equiptment.

Again we see those ex runners, Sir Rabbit , Sir Slab , Ballpoint , Jigsaw this week joined by Ferrett and Caustic tothe ranks of the dedicated professional walkers. Are they now permanent walkers?

The dedicated professional walkers Skinny Slug (lost 14 Kg on his new diet), Sir AH ,Weekly, Kwakka ,Woodsie,Now Loved , Blue Card, Shat & Swindler all moved out a brisk pace and attempted to keep up a good pace for the long walk along the beachfront and back.

In this group we saw Nasty and Trannie set out but they go lost at the 45 metre mark in the nearby surf club.

What great comraderie these brave bunch of Hash Walkers are experiencing.

The Nosh

For the Virgin Hare Lurchit was always going to be a hard act to follow after last few week with Miscarriage’s et al recentefforts that at this stage are competing for “The Best Trailer Bush Nosh of the Year?”

As promised by the GM Kitchen Bitch the hash in now truly back into gourmet but would Virgin Hare Lurch be able to produce the goods.

It was unlimited Hot Dogs from a real hot dog stand with help yourself homemade accompaniments so most had second and third helpings.

 Resident food CriTic JosEphine Who had 3 hOt Dogs OBVIOUSLY appreciated the food: “Great food and at last back to Hash basics”

Well done Virgin Hare Lurch for providing the meal with minimal outsourcing from MISS LURCH …a Great effort to create a genuine Hash atmosphere that helped to make this ANOTHER REAL hash night of true HASH nosh in a great beachfront location around the Fire.

 

Menu:

• Mini Meat Pies and sausage rolls served from a hotbox
• Organic Hot dogs served in hot toasted bread rolls cooked to a rubbery over perfection and kept hot in boiling water with lashings of freshly cooked onions and accompaniments.
• Pavlova with fresh Strawberries

The CIRCLE

Q: what is happening in the Centre of thIs Circle

As usual our GM appeared in Katmandu Hat with Hash Chains, the Moses Staff and with his new horn. As always his long flashy pants did create some interesting comments.

The Circle opened on a somber note as the GM advised all of the passing to Hash World in the Sky of Nasty’s father Gordy. Many will remember Gordy who often came to our Splinter lunches with Nasty and he really enjoyed these event and the company of the Gourmet Hash Team.

After a minutes silence the GM called on all to sing the Hash Hymn in memory of Gordy

The GCGH members all pass on our condolences to Nasty as no matter at what age it is always so sad to lose one of our family.

The Icings

Is this a new treatment for this condition by Dr Caustic?

•  Very unfairly given to Shat as Warrior in Chief for creating those Blue Warrior Vests that are now seen on cyclists all over the Gold Coast.

•   Ballpoint for doing an amazing effort in writing the words as Assistant On Sec . But why did he have to say to Caustic “who gives a Fuckkkabout the truth!!!

 DD to:

• Wrong Way Woodie for bringing his son in law Jonathon as a visitor. Is he trying to break up the marriage by introducing him to Hash??

Useless Shirt

 

Awarded by Truck Tyres to Jigsaw for losing his computer.

Prick of the Week

 Given by Truck Tyres to Ferrett for character assassination

 Report by GM

 Gift for GM

With tears in his eyes saying “these are best gifts so far this year” ( he always says this) the GM accepted more amazing and thoughtful gifts from Shat of a Brussell’s little boy pissing statute ,from Kwakka a Brussels bus ticket with unused coupons and from Ex GM Now Loved some crap from Turkey.

 Special Welcome:

Our GM gave a special welcome to our visitor Jonathon who happens to be Wrong Way Woodsie son in law. Jonathon is the sponsor this year for the ongoing supply each week of Ice for the Hash and we thank him (Not everyone says thanks but mainly Caustic who can’t believe his luck with never ending supply of Ice).This is a big expense for the Hash and the funds saved will most certainly assist the additional funding of travel plans of your hierarchy.

 GM advised that

1. Sir Slab 70^th birthday run will be a 4 Hat Michelin Chef Event – An expensive free gift will be provided to commemorate this important event.

Run cost $20.00 including free gift

If non-attendance then free gift is for sale at $50

2. GM now advised Best Beachfront Trailer Nosh of Year Award to be made at AGPU (how many more awards can we have…the AGPU will last all night at this rate???)

3. GM advised next week run will be by Rectum.an event not to be missed.

End of CIRCLE …….by FERRETT @ 9.05 pm

 

 

Swindler

 

 

Run: 1917

Date:28/7/2014

Location: Main Beach

Hare: Carefree. Food Hierarchy

Runners: 28

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A Big Bugger of a Tractor

It was the great A.S ‘G’ Gispert, the spirit of the Hash, who once said: “Hashers generally fall into 3 distinctive categories, namely:

1. those that make it happen i.e. the Tractors;
2. those that watch what happens i.e. the Wallflowers (as RA Caustic likes to call them); and
3. those that wondered what happened i.e. the Perpetually Comatose.

Thankfully, the GCH3 is blessed with a shed full of Tractors. Take Moonbeams for example: having done the hard yakka for the best part of a hundred years, one would expect to see him with feet up, vin rouge in hand, watching the sunset. Not our Moonbeams, who has just returned from his annual trip to his banana farm in central Thailand where he leads the harvest on his 20,000 hectare property. Asked why, Moonbeams’ response says it all: “I’ve had a pretty good innings so I figured it was time to put a bit back in. Helping 40,000 villagers avoid starvation is the least I can do. And anyway, I still get a kick outta watching Thai girls eat bananas.”

Truck Tyres is another Tractor. Arguably, he is the GCH3s’ biggest Tractor, the latest John Deere 4WD type with big wheels and a bloody big engine. And so, when it suddenly dawned on Hare of the week Carefree that setting a run was beyond him, he called on everyone’s trusted hash mate, Truckie.
TT: “No worries mate, what do you want done?”
CF: “Most hashers think I’m bloody hopeless so I wanna surprise them with virgin territory, plenty of shiggy and really challenging checks.”
TT: “Fuck me, you don’t want much do you? Anything else?”
CF: “Can you cook?”

All things considered, the trail was a great success cleverly incorporating a newly opened footbridge over the Nerang river. The hardy pack was then herded through the back streets of Southport where 3 intuitively positioned checks ensured it stayed all together but for Sir Black Stump who ignored the ‘back check’ arrows of the third and ended up somewhere in Labrador.
But for sheer Hash genius, the co-Hare’s sprinkler flooding of Southport’s Secondary School oval for shiggy purposes was inspired. In critiquing the run, Jigsaw gave it the thumbs up although he felt it had been let down with an abundance of shiggy. He added that his missus would be “really pissed off” at having to clean his muddy Reeboks. A remorseful BallPoint remarked that he had been too quick in dismissing Carefree’s run description of virgin lands and shiggy and that in fact, the run was a beauty. He promised not to judge a book by its cover in the future.

For nosh, the Hash was treated to a feed of deep fried vegetable patties with yogurt sauce (Entree), Vindaloo Beef and mild Curry Chicken with wild rice (Main) and Poached Pear Gateau with creamy custard. A simply outstanding Truckie fare and he was roundly praised for his single handed effort. Veteran was called to crit the nosh which he duly described as first class. “I love a fiery Vindaloo” he explained “particularly the next morning when the mix has been processed and it is banging at the exit, bursting to get out. The relief of the back door blasting open and the contents plastering the porcelain is something to behold.”
Lurch was also very complimentary and, apart from the fact that he’d devoured (prior to the run) a coupla Meat Lovers Specials from his local Dominos, he declared that he would have had a lot more. Consequently, about a third of the night’s nosh was thrown away.

The GM then turned the Circle to a more serious matter. He produced and then read a letter from Leach + Leach Lawyers claiming damages to the tune of $1500 for Queensland Fire Brigade, $300 for the replacement of an antique bath tub and $550 for legals fees. This, as a result of a previous Hash run shenanigans. He further announced that at a hastily convened extraordinary meeting (total expenditure $2450), the Heirarchy moved that a special levy of $50 per member would be imposed to cover the costs of the claim. He then invited Sir Black Stump to accept a well deserved ‘down’ for instigating the legal claim in the first place. But for the lack of ice, the outcry of “Ice the Bastard” from the Circle went unrewarded.
RA Caustic was given the floor and he immediately called in Truck Tyre for being “an absolute pisshead”. Having over indulged in the vin rouge department last friday, a confused and disoriented Truckie was thrown onto a homeward bound bus only to awake the next morning as the bus rolled into Wollongong. For his effort he was also handed the Useless Hash sweater.
Lurch was given a down for being ‘pizza fat’ and for his disrespect vis-a-vis Hashs’ Gourmet ethics.
Flasher was also given a down for being too ‘non-intelligent even by hash standards’. To the quiz question (posed by GM KB): “What the fuck happened in 1866?” Flasher enthusiastically blurted: “The Great Fire of London.” RA explained that he would have accepted a disparity of anything up to 100 years but the 800 years difference was “beyond the fucking joke.”

Fanny Charmer concluded the night’s proceedings with his typical panache. “Prick of the Week this week is very hard” he said “so many to choose from. But I think that I’ve decided that the award should really go to Truck Tyres for no other reason than the fact that I think he perhaps deserves it……….maybe!”

And on that decisive note, the duet Moonbeams and Josephine called the Circle to a close.

Acting On Sec

BREAKING NEWS

In a hot-of-the-press Police statement, all charges and claims against the GCH3 have been dropped. A spokeman for the Leaches has advised that all outstanding debts have been cleared and that the case was now closed. Probed for more details, the spokeman confirmed that the benevolent member of the public did not wish to be identified, however it is widely believed that his initials are TT.
Ps: Message from the Grand Master

Happy Birthday Sir AH. I was so busy feeding the rabble that I forgot to mention your big day and the bottle of Rum in the circle. Trust that you had a great night and enjoyed the Nosh that I cooked especially for you and your Hash mates, to celebrate. On On to many more birthdays.

MacTavish MacRabbit

This guy Looks like one of us!!

View the video

Run: 1916

Date:21/7/2014

Location: Surfers Paradise

Hare: Aussie

Runners: 31

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Title: Mission (really) Impossible.

“Your Mission………should you wish to accept it……..is to find its exact location, record it, and report back to the Hierarchy with your finding.” The Grand Master waxed on: “You should understand that this is the Holy Grails of Secrets, the key to a life in peace because with it, half the world’s population will experience Nirvana and the other half will have more time to play golf and go fishing”.

Final instructions duly spelt out, the pack of eager beaver hashers – looking more like a swarm of wasps in their bright yellow and black attire – set off at great pace in search of the mysterious G-Spot. Notwithstanding the fact that a recent global survey had found that 97.8% of the men polled preferred looking for a golf ball than the elusive G-Spot, the feverish enthusiasm of the swarm was something to behold. Flasher and Sir Black Stump led the charge up Pandanus Avenue and onto the Boulevard with a rampaging Sir Rabbit and Ferret close behind. First ‘check’ was found beside a modest structure with a bloody big G on it. A puffing Piledriver was overheard huffing: “I reckon we could be onto something here fellas” as the rest of the beavers got checking. Josephine, Blue Card and Two Dogs decided that fiddling with the station machines was a better option but pushing flashing buttons, slotting moneys and tapping ‘Go’ cards provided no further clues.

As time passed and the enthusiasm started to wane, there suddenly appeared – out of nowhere – an elongated yellow and black conveyance, like some motorized millipede, winding its way towards the station platform. As it stopped  Missing Link got really excited: “It’s the G-Link, it’s the G-Link” he roared, “this will get us there I’m fucking sure of it” and he jumped on with a call of “On, On.” With renewed interest, the swarm followed him and once on board the sniffing resumed apace. Truck Tyres made straight for a Scandanavian looking lass (big round eyes and long blond hair) and parked himself beside her; with his best Norwegian accent TT went straight for the jugular: “You couldn’t tell me where the G-Spot is could you?” Surprised but not embarrassed the young woman replied in the broadest Nerang bogan slang: “Piss off you dirty fuckin’ perv'” and then proceeded to whack him with her tightly rolled New Idea.

The G-Link finally arrived at Broadbeach South, it’s end destination and the next ‘check’ point. It was decided to split the swarm into the ‘flyers’, who would scatter far and wide, and ‘saunterers’ who would keep to the more direct routes. Mackay visitor Wee Wee had nature call upon him and as he ducked around some bushes for relief, the rest of the swarm dispersed and left him to fend for himself. Later, in the Circle, he would cry foul of the Gourmet Hash for lack of hospitality but his were drowned out by a chorus of ‘F&#k off you c#@t f#$k off’.

The hash wasps arrived at the next ‘check’ namely Hooters on the Highway, in dribs and drabs. Suddenly Lurch had a new spring in his step: “It’s gotta be in here” he said as he entered to the screeching sound of “Welcome to Hooooooooters”. The swarm made an instant impression and soon the Hooter girls were busy serving beers in stubbies (for the kegs had not yet been delivered) and handing back pocketful of change in 20 and 50 cent pieces for the lack of bank notes in the tills. But despite the flashy hoopla hoops and the big hooters, the experience left a lot to be desired. And not a G-Spot to be found. Lurch and Cumsmoke looked particularly distraught.

As we were headed back ‘home’, Caustic threw caution to the wind and suggested an additional ‘check’ at his local, The Darcy Arms.  The place certainly had a more convivial atmosphere and the beer there flowed out of taps but by this time the mood had turned profoundly dim. Slug captured the spirit best when he said: “fuck the G-Link, fuck the G-Spot, it’s all f#@king bullshit in Australia. That’s why I prefer looking for it in Cambodia or in Thailand. And it’s a shit load cheaper too let me tell you…..”

On, On was called back onto the G-Link for the final leg home. Fanny Charmer, seething with rage, suddenly stood up, removed his freebie t-shirt, and flung it across the carriage onto some bewildered passenger. He would pay dearly for his insolence later that night. The rest of us looked most dejected, disappointed and thoroughly despondent; the failure to even get close to the G-Spot hurt the beavers real bad. Circumference bemoaned: “At least when I lose a golf ball in the rough, I know that If I look hard enough I will always bloody find it”.

The Hare for the night, Aussie, is not known for his culinary prowess. Nor for that matter, is he known for his new-age, PC sensitivity. But he must have sensed from the outset that this Mission would be beyond us and prepared accordingly. The nosh consisted of a delightful array of Coon cheese cubes and savoury Jatz biscuits for entree, followed by (very) rare BBQed marinated Lamb with Cauliflower cheese, and an assortment of boiled peas, carrots and spuds. Apple pie with cream and cinnamon spice completed a fine effort. When requested to crit’ the tucker, Crocodile called it the best Hash nosh he’d had in 6 weeks although he did hasten to add that he hadn’t been to Hash for about 6 weeks. Woodsy went one better when he called it the best Hash nosh EVER, although his brown nose occasionally gives him away. Slug also praised the nosh calling it “fuckin’ fantastic” although he also revealed that he hadn’t eaten any of it due to the fact that it didn’t fit in with his current diet of mung beans, kelp and sesame seeds. Having lost 15 kilos in the past 7 weeks, it is very unlikely that there will be any of Slug left by Xmas.

The Gourmets’ Grand Fromage, Kitchen Bitch, called the Circle and invited guest Wee Wee to a welcoming down (see above for details). Returnees were also welcomed back. BallPoint was particularly chuffed at the rousing reception from all his friends. He explained that he’d returned to Tasmania for a much needed cultural top-up, and that the week spent in Burnie getting to know Senator elect Jacky Lambie had been “absolutely inspiring”.

The Grand Master then inquired about the success of tonight’s ‘Mission’. Rectum drew the short straw and was asked for a brief report to which he replied: “I don’t give a flying fook about no fookin’ G-Spot Grand Master. Why the fook do you reckon I’m fookin’ single?” For his impertinence and general lack of respect he was deservedly awarded the fookin’ ‘Useless’ sweater.

Thereafter the GM headed left field as he selected five candidates to answer a quiz…………..on the subject of trains of all things. And having proven to be abysmally inept in the G-Spot Mission fiasco, the Hash morale was then totally destroyed when not one of the 5 quiz questions was answered correctly. Show Pony called it an “absolute debacle” and no one disagreed with him.

RA Caustic was handed the baton and he proceeded to ice Fanny Charmer for his total lack of respect towards Hash haberdashery. An excellent call and he would also collect the Prick of the Week for his indiscretion. Piledriver was also called in for impersonating a wallflower although it was generally felt that that was being unfair to wallflowers. Next on the ice was Bent Banana, who had earlier remarked that the RA often threatened ‘an icing’ but that he never carry though with his threat. BB was left there to ponder his remark for some time and when he finally was allowed to raise his frozen arse from the ice he left behind a mixture of mustard looking faeces, blood samples and other bits and pieces too shocking to mention.

On that unsavory note, Circle was immediately called to an end, by Miss Palmer

On On

Stand in On Sec. Ball Point

Run: 1915
Date:14/7/2014
Location: Mudgeeraba
Hare: Sir AH and assistant Rock hard
Runners: 24

Link to pictures Mobile

The run tonight started from the park adjacent to the tennis courts at Mudgeeraba, just west of the M1 and a pain in the arse to get to for most of us, with parking at a premium as we were competing with the attendees at the tennis club, but it all added to the adventure that is an integral part of Hash.

Weekly’s opening comment upon arrival was most apt..”where’s the beer??”.

Some 24 hardy Hashers turned up tonight with about 14 of us being runners and the others choosing to walk. It is also to be noted that a small pack of “runners” set off but after some 1.4km fell back into their normal pace of walking. I am reliably told that the change of mind was all Sir Rabbit’s idea.

The run was challenging and where there were arrows, there was a shitload of them, almost to the point of absurdity, with spacing between them being about every 1.5 metres but then all of a sudden there was nothing, with one marked example being a solid two arrow hard on, into a park and then nothing, absolutely nothing! Consequently, this beginner scribe and Hasher, always afraid of getting lost out in the bush late at night, stuck like glue to two experienced Hashers and we still got lost, losing the trail completely.

Luckily Sir Blackstump was able to lead us in the right direction, pointing out that he knew the lay of the land like the back of his hand, having been a land baron in the area in years gone by.

The most significant pre-circle comments about the run and the walk this week focussed on the fact that anything would have been better than last week’s total debacle, which I am reliably told consisted of a run around a fairly large block bounded by Upton Street, Ashmore Road, and Bundall Road and nothing much else.

The food tonight…ahhh, the food!! Again, many Hashers this week could not help themselves and were compelled to draw comparisons with last week’s “food”, but enough criticism of last week, particularly given that your fill-in scribe was not even there and has no desire to engage in commenting on what can only be called hearsay evidence.

Tonight’s gourmet delight commenced with a beautifully cooked Minestrone soup, offered up with lashings of grated cheese to be sprinkled to each Hasher’s choice and with several varieties of specialty bread on offer. Rectum sang the praises of the food and it would seem that with the “gourmet” is definitely back in the gourmet hash.

Main course was a delicious Thai chicken curry, again cooked to perfection and again praised by all, including Rectum. Your fill-in scribe was in absolute awe of the skill demonstrated by Sir Rabbit and Weekly is drinking the curry soup out of the bottom of their plates without spilling one drop!

Dessert consisted of home-made, yes home-made, apple strudel with lashings of custard for those of us who wanted it. All in all a great meal!

Slug, who is now looking very svelte, tipping the scales at about 78 kg, refrained from indulging in the hash nosh, instead bringing along is own dinner. Such willpower is to be admired and congratulations on the new shape and great to hear you are feeling so much better for it.

Circle was held around the remnants of a fire lit by our GM and which was promptly advised by the Fire Brigade that if it was not put out he would be fined $1500.00!!

This weeks Question: What’s the Engines name?

Rectum was asked for his learned opinion of the run, which he described as “very novel” and “where there were markings it was great and where there weren’t it was woeful”. Botcho wisely observed that “it wasn’t a bad run…we’ve done it before but that’s ok”. In usual form, Flasher managed to do his usual disappearing act at the first check, going off and never to be seen again! Ferrett, as was the case with most runners who had done last week’s run, could not help but draw further comparisons!

Returning runners this week – Fanny Charmer – all spruced up and clean-cut after doing a 780km charity bicycle ride from Cairns to Kurumba.

Sir Rabbit was thanked for donating a large cow-horn to the Hash and Lurch did his impersonation of a dying bull trying to blow it.

Our RA had little or no material to proffer this week.

Miscarriage “thanked” those who set out on the walk with him tonight and promptly set about abandoning him. It would appear that Weekly was the instigator of the aforesaid abandonment!!

Rectum was suitably admonished by the RA for apparently regularly running with the Wednesday mixed hash, an action that simply will not be tolerated in the future.

Weekly was called to front of centre and was heard to mutter words to the effect “why am I burdened with all this Hash shit??” as he dragged out the Prick of the Week paraphernalia and the Useless jumper. A “true natural athlete in the making” another Hasher was heard to comment about Weekly as he took centre stage. For reasons unknown to your fill-in scribe, Fanny Charmer was awarded the “Useless” jumper by Weekly.

Weekly then proceeded to read out a statement from Wrong Way Woodsy passing on his Prick of the Week award. A lame excuse of having been invited to a “dinner function” of some description was given in the written statement along with information that his wife had a viewing of the Prick of the Week trophy to which Wrong Way said it was a plaster cast of his own member and that he had thought “long and hard” (hahahaha!!) about who to give it to this week. In typical Hash fashion,

Wrong Way got it ALL wrong and thought it was Nasty who did a pretend chunder after last week’s nosh, whereas in fact it was Caustic who had done this. The rules being as they are, the hierarchy is not to be awarded such offensive accolades so for the sake of continuity, poor old Circumference was AGAIN awarded Prick of the Week.

Miscarriage informed the circle that he is off to Cambodia shortly, after a quick trip to see his father in Melbourne. He will be taking Missing Link with him as his offsider. Look after that new passport Miscarriage!

Some confusing discussion then took place regarding next week’s G:Spot run and then end of circle.

On On

Fanny Charmer

Stand in On Sec