Run: 1954

Date:13/04/2015

Location: Ashmore

Hare: Aussie

Runners: 33

Sir Prince Valiant recruits new member

Sir Prince has just announced that he has start a new running group. He can’t believe the response he has had after posting a picture of his first new recruit.                                                 Number One Locker Holder

Statistics released from The United Nations  reveal that:

Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.

This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

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Tonight’s run commenced from  Eastern end car park outside Aquinas College on Turnbull Drive near Edmund Rice Drive (that description came from Aussie himself, our hare for tonight) and at this point I am very tempted to wrap up my report with the words “we came, we ran, we ate, we mucked around in circle, we fucked off home” and wish you all a good night!!!! You may well ask why this thought came to mind…..and the answer is that I am sure you will all be heartily sick of my fellow stand-in scribe’s rantings and ravings in previous run reports. Ballpoint, my fellow stand-in scribe, for whom I have a good deal of respect as an experienced hashman, surely does like the feeling of seeing copious amounts of his own words on screen!! I shall endeavour to not do the same this week.

The theme of the run:

Clearly the majority of our hash is illiterate or simply don’t give a fuck for protocols…a mere handful of us wore jerseys representing our favorite teams of whatever persuasion. Yours truly wore his 2010 Spanish soccer world cup winners’ jersey…the real McCoy mind you and deservedly did take out the prize for the best team outfit…and as a reward received a re-gifted bottle of “wine” given to the GM by a hashman whose identity now escapes me…might it have been Caustic who brought it over from South Africa…all I can say is nice fuckin’ water…prick!! Very bloody funny!!…but it’s what I have come to now expect from the Hash.

The Run:

A nice run with a bit of street, a bit of park, a scramble up a gravel-encrusted hill, some shiggy through shitty-smelling swamp water and generally being well marked with chalk, toilet paper and flour. Given that it was in the middle of Southport/Ashmore, not a bad effort at all Aussie! The run measured in at about 6.2km according to my mate Strava and Two Dogs’ techno-watch.

The Nosh:

Another great effort Aussie…you are certainly in the running for nosh of the year! The entrée consisted of chicken wings which were quickly devoured by all and sundry and the main meal…oh, the main meal…this is what the Gourmet Hash is all about…the most succulent lamb (or was it beef) that I have tasted in a long time, served up with lovely mash and peas. Dessert consisted of some nice “off the shelf” black forest cheese cake…at first it looked like a typical Hash debacle with the tops of the cakes burnt to a crisp but it turns out that this is how they are supposed to look!

The mystery grog:

Nobody owned up to the generous donation of the four or so mystery bottles of wine that miraculously appeared on our table, but to whomever was the generous benefactor, thanks heaps. I really enjoyed several glasses of the Boronia marsala. Can’t go wrong with that stuff!!

Circle:

Tonight was a big welcome back to several runners whom we haven’t seen for quite a while. Swollen Colon surprisingly running out of his own postcode…it’s a long way from 4217 to 4215! Cumsmoke also put in an appearance, Caustic made it back safely from RSA but rumour has it that he’s married Ms South Africa and she’s up the duff…don’t know if there’s any truth in that one. Two dogs and several of the other NZ travellers made an appearance tonight as did other wandering minstrels like Nasty and Slug…but where the hell has Truckie disappeared to??? Two Dogs brought back an ideal gift for GM…an excessively long willie warmer. Shat presented the GM with some stolen merchandise from a NZ pub…a Guiness hat.

Icings a plenty tonight…you can tell that Caustic is back as RA..Miscarriage was on there, Jigsaw was on there…and was Sir Prince? I cannot remember now, but I do know that he and Carefree were called to the front for talking in the lines.

That’s about all for this run…I hope that you all enjoy the relative brevity of words.

Fanny Charmer,

 

Substitute to the Substitute to the Hash Scribe

Run: 1953

Date:6/04/2015

Location: Miami

Hares: Circumference

Runners: 26

Gold Coast Gourmet Hash

The Hash House Harriers was formed at the Selangor Club Chambers in Malaya in 1937/38 by E.J Galvin, Malay Mail, H.M Doig, A.S Gispert and Cecil H. Lee. Rumor has it that Gispert was the real ideas man who created the Hash and was also a Walker and a Bike rider. The tradition continue today with this group of GCHHH athletes who recently celebrated St Patrick Day in Dunedin NZ.

 

Video on how the GCHHH live when away from home

 

1. Botcho advised that soon all GCHHH would be able to travel after the 2 recent big wins in the Lottery. This week he is planning that we will win the big $25Million

2. Sir Rabbit defies all odds after hospitalization over Easter. He joins the Monday night run in the hopes the run activity will help him pass his kidney stone.

Run 1953 with Circumference at early start time of 5pm

Video of Run start by Circumference at Mick Schamburg Park Miami

Video on how the Circumferecne run

 

Promoted by Circumference as the Beach Run and Trailer Nosh of the year.

Will the beachside run save Circumference ’s as his ast run was noted as worst Run of the Year.

Location was looking good as the eye candy passed by in large numbers . Slug was heard to comment . “Who cares about running, lets just hang here and have a few beers!”

A group of 26 dedicated athletes circled around Circumference for pre-run briefing who promptly told the walkers to go that way while runners were to follow him.

With that Circumference sent the runners on their way at 5.16 pm with words “ you wont miss this trail and its a great run and there is a drink stop with free beer”

After last few weeks of the so called Best Run of the Year followed by the so called Best Trailer Nosh of the Year that in fact were total debacles this was looking a very good opportunity for Circumference to redeem himself.

The Run

Circumference commented that he had spent considerable effort in setting this well-marked Beachside Run. We guess he has the experience so it was expected to be a good run.

The only relevant clue was the final information that Circumference would be waiting somewhere standing at the drink stop.Good work Circumference to keep these bastards honest!!

Very quickly runners moved forward but all going in different directions.

Flasher the way led, with Miscarriage ,Brewtus, Bent Banana, Sir Black Stump and Botcho as leading the runners up the road. Circumference’s run was all looking very good with zero bush, zero mud and zero rough terrain!! There was to be no bitumen road on this run.Yeah !!!

Iceman , Sir Slab, Rug , Sir Prince Valient and Missing Link were in full flight up the road with Jigsaw. Waiting at the drink stop was Circumference to make sure each hashman went the right way ..well done Circumference for your assistance but it appears only 2 runners found your free beer drink stop .

The first runners back via the correct trail down the hill to the trailer was Flasher followed by Ferrett who went in the opposite direction.

Sir Black Stump and Miscarriage 2^nd, Bent Banana 3^rd with Botcho and close by Ballpoint.

Reported run time of 41.05 minutes..Run distance 5.1 km. Area covered 25 sq KM with an average pace of 8.06 min /km ..Well done runners.

It appears that Sir Rabbitt decided to walk this week in the hope that his kidney stone would pass with the exercise.

Run Critic Brewtus noted “ Best Run of the year so far”. Hare Circumference put in a lot of effort and experience for this run provided a free beer drink stop that only 2 runners were able to find.

Miscarriage reported that he was forced to run into the sun with “no hat ,no sunglasses and no block out.”

Flasher also got in on the act and commented “Amazing how he found new territory after all the runs from here” ..

Rug not to be left out “concurred”

Great effort Circumference for an excellent Beachside Run.

The WOBBLY Walkers

As always a big group of wobbly walkers lined up on the pathway more interested in the eye candy than the walk .As the walking group is getting slower and most of these geriatics in the past weeks have made little effort to move away from the Nosh and Booze area but tonight it was different. The excitement and smell so much nearby bush got them going quickly along the pathway.

Again we see those ex runners, Sir Rabbit , Rockhard, this week joined with Slug to the ranks of the dedicated professional walkers. It seems that they are they now permanent walkers with Kwakka, Nasty , Weekly ,Carefree ,Swindler and Hard On

Weekly showed no pain as he too raced around trying to get the trailer opened with help from Sir Slab so that cold beer would be on tap when the runners got back..anything to save an icing.

The dedicated professional walkers, with Explet returning runner with Hard On , Weekly, Slug & Swindler all moved out a brisk pace along the pathway which they kept up the good pace for the 3 km walk.

Back to the safety of the trailer the walkers enjoyed a cold well deserved beer with Carefree the first to indulge. Walking is really hard work.

The Nosh

For the Hare Circumference it was always going to be a hard act to follow recent effort that at this stage each have been voted “The Best Trailer Nosh of the Year?” As promised by the GM Kitchen Bitch the hash in now truly back into gourmet.

With hygiene totally forgotten as the nosh chef Circumference proceeded to handle all the food with his so called dirty little spotless hands assisted by Jigsaw!!

Portioned controlled to perfection so no waste it was Sir Prince who took control of the knife to slice the Black Angus steaks.

 

GM Kitchen Bitch seems very happy with the results as he food tested the Nosh to make sure it was safe for the Hashers to eat!!.so very thoughtful.

 

Satay beef cooked to perfection

Aged Black Angus Steaks

 

 

 

Salads make to a recipe not a price

 

Drumsticks presented in fine silver paper

Resident food CriTic Hard On Who had 2 helping of steak OBVIOUSLY appreciated the food:

…………“Great Steaks and Salads food and at last back to high quality Hash basics”

 

Well done CIRCUMFERENCE FOR providing the NOSH WITH NO outsourcin except for assistance BY GM, Sir Prince and Jigsaw. a Great effort that helped to make this ANOTHER REAL hash night of true HASH nosh in a great location in the BUSH.

 

The Beachside CIRCLE

The GM appeared in Katmandu Hat, Hash Chains and with his trademark Moses Staff. He advised all that the mystery acting RA would be Sir Prince Valiant due to absence of Caustic who is on a hunting expedition in South Africa.

The GM immediately asked all the returning runners to the circle

Flasher commented “this bunch of idiots lining up claiming to be runners and no FuC#@%* gifts for GM”

DD to:

• Circumference for the Hare and excellent quality Nosh
• Returning Runners Kwakka, Jigsaw, Sir Slab ,Hard On , Missing Link ,Rockhard and Swindler
• Missing Link for his expedition to Sri Lanka for 1 month
• Visitor and as returning runner Exelpet who was last seen as our Booze Master
• Sir Rabbit presented doctors certificate to save himself an icing as his kidney stone is still moving out
• Nasty ,Swindler and Flasher for going away next week
• Brewtus for laughing in the circle
• Ferrett for his comments to GM

Useless Shirt

Yes…still with Truck Tyres who is once again smelling the roses in Tenterfield.

Where is the Prick of the Week?

The last recipient of this prized possession was Aussie and is still with him?

Hopefully will be there next week ??

Gift for GM

Once again with tears in his eyes saying “the best gift so far this year” the GM accepted an amazing gift and thoughtful gift from Jigsaw. This highly prized possession of a baby chicken laying an egg was handed over to the GM who immediately hung it on his Moses Staff with all the other crap that hangs from it . Well done Jigsaw for a thoughtful gift.

 

GM Report

GM advised next week run will be by Aussie!! Our GM has personally promised to assist to ensure that this event would have first class Nosh

 

End of CIRCLE …….by FERRETT @ 8.30 pm

 

 

Swindler

 

 

Runners: 26

Run: 1952

Date:30/03/2015

Location: Broadbeach Waters

Hares: Fanny Charmer & Rug

Runners: 29

A crisis has hit a popular running group on the Sunny Gold Coast

The Gold Coast Hash House Harriers are in turmoil!! Stand in On Secs strike wanting equal touring rights that the Hash Grand master has given to his Hierarchy mates.

One comment heard from a  disgruntled stand in On sec ..was ” Stop the tours GM or give us the same tour rights as you have given too your mates”

I can tell you that the rank and file are not happy.

More updates has they come to hand.

 

THE PENIS…MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD!

It is an almost forgotten fact that when Hollywood legend Mae West whispered “Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you simply excited to see me?” she was indeed referring to a hidden weapon…one that was loaded, cocked and ready for crime. But, were it not for her glorious words and the dulcet, smokey tone with which they were uttered, a certain homicide was averted. And we, mere mortals, will remain ever so grateful for them and to her for whispering them…

And therein lies the secret for world peace.

When the pack returned to the esky last Monday night it was patently obvious that run 1952 had been a monumental cock-up. In the Circle, Sir Black Stump (SBS) best captured the mood when he described the run as: “The worst fuckin’ run in my 93 years of Hash running” He was just warming up: “This was shit with a capital S, crap with a capital C, junk with a capital J, garbage with a capital G. The Hares Rug and Fanny Charmer deserve to be iced for the entire coming week or preferably shot dead.”

Asked for his opinion, Missing Link (ML) said: “I concur with Stumpy’s sentiments absolutely GM.”

Brewtus concurred with ML adding that the run was “an absolute fucking fiasco” whilst Bent Banana concurred with Brewtus. Sir Prince Valiant (SPV) concurred with BB adding that “it was an absolute bloody debacle” and Circumference concurred with SPV, calling it a catastrophe. It was almost unanimous. Only Flasher offered a different point of view: “I’ve been on some pretty ordinary runs in my Hash career but this one takes the biscuit; it was pretty ordinary with a capital P”.

Sir Black Stump was not yet done: “What really gives me the shits is not just this shit run but the fucking nosh that followed; this curry will give me the shits all day tomorrow. Fuck!”

Being ex-army and an advocate of the ancient philosophy: ‘Shoot first, ask questions later’, Sir Black Stump’s words were dynamite. So much so that when he concluded his commentary with “Fuck!” it was like he’d shouted “Fire!” at Rug’s and FC’s execution.

Still, the bombardment did not abate. Asked to comment on the nosh, (Not Tonight) Josephine said it was the worst curry he’d ever tasted. “The meat was all fat and grizzle and the sauce was just tasteless slops like they fed us during WW2. Incidently, talking of the war, that was the last time I had rice pudding…. who the fuck bothers making that shit anymore?”

Blue Card said that he concurred with Not Tonight (Josephine) adding: “The idea that expensive Aniseed liqueur might ‘save’ rice pudding is delusional. Nothing can ever save rice pud’”. Iceman agreed with BC and Miscarriage concurred with Iceman. It was unanimous. It was that kind of a night.

Thankfully Rug and FC averted the firing squad by promising to never setting a run in Broadbeach Waters again and to keep to Spanish recipes. A very enthusiastic rendition of the Hash Hymn followed:

‘They ought to be publicly pissed on

They ought to be publicly shot BANG! BANG! (sang with much gusto and pistol hand gestures)

They ought to be tied to a urinal

And left to wither and rot

Drink it down down down…

Stand-in RA – Aussie – stepped into the cauldron and duly requested BallPoint “front and centre” on the dubious charge of “leaning on Rug’s brand new Merc.”

He’d barely settled back into position that Aussie recalled BallPoint to face the charge of “parking-in a gorgeous bikini babe who then asked me to help her move BP’s car which I did because I wanted to perv on her big tits and shapely arse.” After which Moonbeams was heard murmuring “End of Circle.”

BallPoint was then called into the cauldron for another Down, charged with the heinous crime of “turning up late to Hash but still going for a run.”                                                                         After which Moonbeams was heard repeating “End of Circle.”

Stand-in RA Aussie then told the Circle that: “I got a flat tyre last week and I strongly suspect that this bloke was responsible for it.” BallPoint was charged accordingly and given another Down. As he staggered back to his position and with Moonbeams words “End of Circle” still ringing in their ears, BP was called into the Circle once more, this time charged with “neglecting to control petrol sniffing in aboriginal communities, failing to implement the peace process in the Middle East and Kate Middleton”s new baby.” An angry Aussie continued: “Back in my day, society would not put up with the criminal antics of repeat offenders like BallPoint; the gallows is where they would end up in order to cleanse our suburbs of his type of scum……Thank you!” After which Moonbeams was heard screaming “For fuck’s sake, End of bloody Circle.”

With the intention to take the heat out of the boiling hot cauldron, Grand Master asked Flasher to present the ‘Useless’ shirt.

“There were oh so many candidates tonight GM” said Flasher, “some more deserving than others; the Hares were high on the ‘deserving’ list as was BallPoint but I’ve chosen to follow my heart this time and give this award to someone whom, I strongly believe, should have it in perpetuity. For having the cheek to call me a “garden gnome”, Truck Tyres you are fucking useless.”

To the raucous chorus of “We want the PoW, we want the PoW”, Grand Master implored Aussie to “pass on the Prick to a most deserving recipient” to which Aussie sheepishly replied: “My missus won’t give it back GM, I don’t know what to do.”

A seething Botcho finally erupted: “It’s not fucking good enough GM; for fucking weeks we’ve being hearing this bullshit about the PoW cumming back next week but every week it remains missing. It so happens that the PoW is also the highlight of my week and I’m fucked if I will put up with this any longer. Back in my days, if someone continually disregarded the wishes of the group, he would be strung up, hung and fucking quartered. That’s what Aussie deserves. Fuck him!” To which Ferret anxiously asked ”Is it ok for me to kiss him only?” and Moonbeams finally concluded with “End of Circle you bastards!!!”

 

On2,

BP

 

p.s. An old Jacaranda Hash mate from my time running in Johannesburg wrote to me last week lamenting the fact that he’d been posted (by way of a dubious promotion) to Yemen as its latest Moroccan Ambassador. A pacifist by nature and a strong advocate of the adage that ‘The pen is… mightier than the sword’ Bodyguard (his Hash handle), described Yemen’s capital Saana as the “shithole of the world.” He went on: “The civil war here is as relentless as it is pointless, Shias hacking Sunnis and Sunnis butchering Shias. My mood is most somber, I feel so helpless so depressed… But last week a flash of light brightened my darkness: A new colleague arrived from Turkey whose business card tells me goes by the name of Mustapha Kunt.

Needless to say my dear BP we all, fighting Muslims included, feel like that now and again however very few of us would care to put it on our cards. But who could argue that peace here is not possible should the Sunnis and the Shias swap their weapons for one of them?”

 

Indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Run: 1951

Date:23/03/2015

Location:Paradise Point

Hares: Flasher & Veteran

Runners: 24

Tonight’s run commenced from the park in Paradise Parade, Paradise Point and consisted of the hardy and dedicated souls who cannot afford to go tripping all over the world for most of the year, unlike the 15 or so who are gallivanting all over New Zealand at the moment.

The theme of the run was touted as “food to die for” but really it was a cover for the joint birthday bash for VETERAN and FLASHER…happy 70^th birthday guys and thank you for your generosity in providing all of the birthday wine, which resulted in the GM looking into the booze bucket at the end of the night and commenting “this is fucked! We haven’t made any money on booze tonight thanks to those pricks!”. Needless to say we all stayed clear of everything but the free booze!

The run started in an easterly direction down one of the duck-themed streets, onto The Espanade and south we went…and went….and went …and went with several of our number wheezing and whining “haven’t they put any checks in???….how far are we going to run on the streets??” as we continued heading in the direction of Southport. Suddenly we found ourselves doing a sweeping right hand turn into Poinsettia Street, somewhere in the depths of Runaway Bay before we headed into the wilds of the Pine Ridge Conservation Park…we need not have worried about this being a run restricted to bitumen!!

Obviously this was the part of the run set by Veteran who was obviously intent on keeping fresh in our minds the trials and tribulations of our beloved ‘Nashos conscripted into the Australian Army and sent off into the wilds of the Vietnam jungles where they had to traverse rivers and swamps with their machine guns held high above their heads…in this case, it was our mobile phones and torches held high as we traversed the streams and swamps, following some high-set toilet paper (how did those two short arses get the paper so high up in those trees??).

We all managed to conquer the run, with most of us getting back to the park in one piece and only one of us going for a full dunking in the swamp…good one Miscarriage! A check for leeches and other mishaps led to an “all clear” for all of us and the frivolities started.

The nosh started with cheese and crackers…always goes down well and just shows that the old adage of “keep it simple stupid” (the KISS principle) works a treat! This was all washed down mostly with the free wine provided by our generous hares.

Main course consisted of a pasta dish with a lovely creamy sauce and chunks of ham and mushroom which Flasher assured us were all resting down the bottom of the pot. The pasta went down really well and many of us went back for seconds (and thirds!). Of course there always has to be some negative comment…this is the Hash after all…and Circumference stepped up to the plate tonight with the quip…”there’s only one thing missing…flavour!!”. Most of us must be on Rug’s low carb, low GI diet as the bread was hardly touched. Dessert consisted of the trifle which Flasher had been raving about all day on his Facebook page, prompting a comment from afar from Rectum and accusing Flasher of gross cruelty if he was planning to inflict that concoction on his Hash mates. Most of us thought it was a bloody great effort and all praise to Flasher and Veteran for a great effort on the Nosh.

Circle was a subdued affair and for the second week in a row it was a sit-down affair and relatively subdued since being castigated by an irate neighbour several weeks ago with the words “keep it down you pack of pissheads!”. Birthday wishes were sung for our two septagenarians and returning runners were warmly welcomed back into the fold…Veteran…. who never runs out of his postcode, Aussie…who has been in Lousiana, Mississippi and Texas, making a fool of himself going arse over tit outside a loo and not suing for $30 million and last but not least, Missing Link…who has been in Sri Lanka with Mrs Link and Mr and Mrs Bouncer. We also welcomed visitors Anchovie, a Brisbane Hashman and Yumhhh from the UK somewhere, who advised that his Hash name means “Your Unworthy Master of the HHH”…confusing…what’s wrong with a normal, offensive Hash name? Anyway, he got so bored with the proceedings that he fell asleep half way through circle…must be the jet lag or did the arduous walk take it out of him? Kurt, from Germany is still with us and continues to doss down at Bent Banana’s palatial home.

The POW is held over for another week and the Useless award went to Flasher for no reason other than he is…. well…Flasher!

End of circle announced by Moonbeams’ stand-in, Showpony.

On on,

Fanny Charmer…Standin On Sec